I give and give and give and give and no one gives 2 flying fucks. I do everything in my power to keep everyone happy, yet what the fuck does anyone do for me? Am I being selfish? Perhaps, but perhaps I am allowed to be for once. It gets tiring always being the “giver”.
My daughter gets pretty fucking much everything she wants. I clothe her with the brand name shit. I keep her housed. I feed her, I go out of my way to keep her happy. I go with out so much so that she can have everything. She has pink this and brandy that. Sorel this and Lulu Lemon that. School sweaters, music lessons, drives everywhere. I cook her dinner every night. I make her lunches every day. I pick up after her. I do her laundry. I pay for a bus pass so she can go to the (out of our district) school she wants. She has her own room with a beautiful and expensive bed set (captains bed, night table and computer desk). Electronics up the ying yang… Ipod, tablet, Cell phone, her own computer (times 2!). I could go on and on about what I give to her. I spoil her not only with stuff but with lots of love and nurturing as well. I give her more than enough attention. I stay awake when I am exhausted so I can tuck her in every single night. I make sure to get up with her every morning as she gets ready for school. I spend an abundance of my time with her. I hug and kiss her, snuggle on the couch with her (when she allows it… or wants something) and tell her I love her every time I feel it ( which is a lot). I let her know she is smart and beautiful. I teach her life lessons and manners. I scold/discipline her when necessary. I talk to her. I love her.
My Boyfriend is just as fucking spoiled. I cook his dinner every night. Make his lunches. I go without, for him. I clean his dirty dishes. I make sure things are quiet at bedtime because he gets up early for work. I do his fucking laundry. I let him do his stuff (playing his video games, building his computers, hang out with friends, etc) without bitching or nagging. I spoil him. We don’t fight … but we don’t really “communicate” much either (we don’t really communicate emotionally, partially my fault, but there have been a couple times in which I tried, and got nothing).
What do they do for me? He buys me stuff sometimes or pays for dinners out and takes the garbage out if I purposely leave it until it piles up or stinks. Every few months he gets an urge to Vacuum…. She occasionally doesn’t have a fucking tween attitude and will occasionally do a chore without being told…. twice (in a year) they made an attempt to clean the house. Don’t get me wrong, or consider me hypocritical here, when they do anything, I thank them and very much appreciate it. But it is so very rare ….
And it is not “just” them. I do for so many and very very few ever even thank me. I don’t expect much in return; respect and appreciation. But it seems the more I do, the more I get shit on … hmm, couple sisters fall into that category drastically. Actually I have only 1 sister that is appreciative or so it seems, I haven’t had the chance to do much for her until recently. At least she said Thank you. Work at my last job (which I was recently laid off from and have not discussed in my blog as of yet) was just as bad. The shit I did for that company. Bringing in new clients, taking over an EXTRA full position with no change in title or pay raise, finding money losing errors in pricing, doing shit that was no where near my job, the list goes on and on. I am always a listening ear for anyone (and there are many) who wants to talk or vent or confide. I have secrets hidden about people that would make your ancestors roll over in their grave. But I sit and listen and offer advice if requested … no one does this for me … that is only partially true actually … my 2 BFF’s “would”, except that one has no phone and the other one doesn’t answer his. but they would let me talk and cry…and I really need to. Also My mother let’s me vent … but then she starts trying to decipher everything and “diagnose” me or start changing the subject and gets me all worked up about something else … it gets on my nerves sometimes … but at least she lets me vent.
Over the years, I have developed into a kind and caring woman (despite the fact that some still think of me as the cold hearted bitch I was as a teenager (ish) …that was a lifetime ago (20ish years) I am a different person now and the morons who continuously insinuate that I am still “that” person need to grow up a little (or a LOT) themselves (same sisters fall deeply into this category too). Yes, I can still be a super bitch if you mess with my family or are an ignorant fuckface, but I really don’t like it). A few people have helped me over the years when I have been down and out or struggling and I repay those favours by helping others. I pride myself on doing a bare minimum of 1 good deed per day (often plenty more) and I don’t announce what I have done, I don’t brag about what a great person I am, I just keep believing that Good Karma will be on my side … but nope, nothing good is happening. Karma seems to hate me and my good deeds or any kindness I portray. Maybe I was better off as in my earlier years (late teens/early 20’s) when I was a fucking bitch. Maybe I should become that Perma-Bitch again….
Anyway, back on topic, Someone needs to do something for me or I will fucking quit it all. I love to give, but the ungratefulness and inappreciativeness is too much!!! Do your own god-damn laundry. Buy your own shit. Get your own dinner and prepare your own lunch. Do your own dirty ass un-rinsed dishes. Clean your own mess. Deal with your own shit! Pay me properly for the job I do. How well do you think that would go over? I am simply tired of feeling walked all over and unappreciated!!!
So what do I want? I am not trying to be selfish or greedy. I want to be appreciated. I want to know that people are grateful for things I do for them. Let me take a day off and someone else do the dishes (fully, not just a few and then leave the rest for me to do!). Someone else do (All of) the laundry. Everyone pick up their own shit… and maybe mine once in a blue moon. I don’t need material things. You don’t need to buy me anything. A caring note, a handmade thank you card, a genuine thank you, an afternoon out for a walk or coffee and a chat, that day off I mentioned, a hug with an “I appreciate you”, Acknowledge that I do so much for you, Something. Merely Something.