Tag Archives: Family

Failure. I feel like a failure.

Why do I feel like such a failure today? Why is today such a bad day? Why am I so depressed today?

Let me start with a little back history for any noobs who are not aware of “me”. I am a single mother who for the last 10 + years suffers from Anxiety and for the last 2 years, progressing Depression…meaning every day seems a little worse.  My daughter’s father is a lying, scumbag, deadbeat, abusive, alcoholic/drug addict, piece of shit. My family is filled with cunts and assholes. My childhood was shit. My adult life is shit. And well I feel like shit.

Today is a VERY bad depressing day. I literally forced myself out of bed today…twice. I really just want to go back, but for now maybe some blog therapy will help….? Doubtful, but let’s give it a go, writing it out does occasionally help so let’s see…if not maybe I will colour. It all started yesterday (actually it started WAY before that, but for the sake of this post, we will say yesterday) when Finn got an interview and was offered the job during the interview…now hold on to your judgement… back up a tiny bit with a sum up, Finn was laid off 8 months ago. In the last 8 months he applied for ONE fucking job (Actually I think there may have been a second one that I harassed him into applying for), got an interview and the job. I spent every goddamn day (well every weekday and occasional weekend days) for the last 7 months looking through thousands of postings, going to/cold calling dozens of companies, applying for HUNDREDS of jobs and attending dozens of interviews and job fairs. So yes, despite my happiness that Finn is finally getting off his lazy ass, I am resentful and bitter that I work so hard and he does next to nothing. No, I shouldn’t be and I try to fight it and hide it but this is what depression AND anxiety does to a person. All I can think about is how un-fucking-fair this is. “They” say good things happen to good people… Well Fuck “them”, fucking liars. When the fuck is my “good” going to happen? I do good deeds ALL the time, Despite (currently) being classified as poor, I still give to charities and those in need, I am kind to people, despite not liking people very much, I care WAY too much. I help people even after they lie to me, abuse me, cheat on me, betray me and/or hurt me. I often go without so others have. Yet, here I am, a 40 year old fucking failure who can’t get nor keep a fucking job despite being, hard working, reliable, honest, punctual, ethical and intelligent…? (Maybe I am not that smart, maybe I am getting dumber by the fucking day, that sure is how I feel lately) and whose daughter is a selfish, ungrateful, materialistic, entitled, spoiled brat. And that brings me to today’s set off.

I had a little vent with Kyia this morning, after a horrible sleep due to “someone’s” tossing and turning and alarm at 4am (Because you know, when one needs to be a 30 minute drive away at 7 one must get up at 4… asshole). I was a bit cranky and I made a complaint about Finn not only not applying for the better paying job that I pointed out to him a couple days ago but also not even looking into it (Double pay compared to the job he just took, also better job with better company). So after that mini rant Kyia started her own (very teenage snotty) rant about Finn better apply for the other job because she is tired of being poor…Wait… what the fuck. You need to understand that while we are FAR from rich, and are actually what one might consider “poor” (at the moment, I have had some good jobs over the years, but right now I am on EI) we get by with NO help and I make sure that we live as if Finn’s income doesn’t exist, without him, we can live as we are now. (Because I swore when My own sister fucked me over that I would NEVER rely on anyone or anything again … I know, kind of petty but you don’t understand how horribly I have been hurt, betrayed and ripped off by my own family…over and over…So no one ever again will have me in any kind of state of dependence and invulnerability). My daughter gets everything she needs and almost everything she wants (which granted, has been a bit less the past few months). Despite being on EI for the better (worst?) part of the last 2 years (wait before I start this list, remember that a lot of this was purchased while I was working in decent jobs and with savings and such. Don’t you dare judge me and what I spend MY money on!!). Her entire wardrobe is Lulu Lemon, Bench, Nike, Roots, Converse, Thrasher, Brandy Melville, Pink etc… you get the point, all expensive name brands. She has her own custom built computer in her room she has a brand new phone, an ipod and TWO UE Mega-booms!! She HAD 2 tablets but destroyed them with her destructively jamming in the charger this also happened with 2 of her phones and yet although I refused to replace the tablet the second time, She always manages to get a new phone. She goes to ALL of her school events, which ALWAYS cost money, I buy her a monthly bus pass so she can attend the school her friends go to which is not in our district, I bought her hundreds of dollars of art supplies because she wanted it and she never touched it (this has actually happened with many “fad” things! …We have a Wii U so she could play Zelda and wii-fit, she doesn’t touch it, and an Atari – the new one with 101 games pre-loaded, because she wanted it to play frogger, she hasn’t touched it). I drive her all over hells creation because her 2 best friends live 20 minute drive away from us … in opposite directions!! I give her money whenever she needs it and almost always when she asks. Our fridge and cupboards are ALWAYS filled with food, good fresh food. She has her own space heater in her room in case she gets cold and that’s just the tip of the iceberg. FFS. So I snapped at her, I actually forget exactly what I said but it was something like “I am sorry if this life I have fought to provide isn’t good enough for you, but too goddamn bad!”

She had the fucking nerve to continue with “but I haven’t got anything new in a long time” … Christmas which brought in THOUSANDS of dollars in new clothes was less than 5 months ago!!! AND EASTER was just last fucking month (granted, Easter is a lot smaller, she did get new “roots” shorts and socks and the Atari)!! I lost it! I yelled. I literally yelled at her. Sure I raise my voice at her at times, but yelling is a rarity. I was so fucking mad that I called her selfish, I called her ungrateful, I called her selfish again, I called her materialistic and I called her selfish again. I freaked. And when I realized that my parenting skills of trying to raise a kind, thoughtful, Grateful, appreciative, daughter failed, I stormed off into my room, slammed the door and stayed in there crying for hours. I didn’t even walk her to the door when she left for school. I didn’t give her a hug and kiss goodbye. And I didn’t tell her I love her. I sat in my room and cried. I cried in disappointment, I cried in failure, I cried in depression. And then of course I started thinking about all the things that make me a failure and I cried some more. Of course it is my fault. I go without so that she can still have this stuff. I go without so she can have her lulu lemon tights, and roots jogging pants. I go without so she can have her Pink sweaters and Brandy Melville shirts. I go without so she can take the bus to the school she wants. I go without so she can get drives to her friends. I go without so she can have a phone. Maybe I gave her too much. Maybe I spoiled her too much. Now all that matters is her and her stuff. I spent the last 13 years suffering through hellish stressful days and shitty jobs. Suffered immensely just for her to become selfish and ungrateful. I did this. I can’t even express my disappointment in both her and myself. I can’t even express my hurt. I know she is only 13 but she watches me struggle every day and still throws being poor in my face. I can’t even. I just can’t. Because I am not depressed enough and I apparently don’t feel bad enough about myself and I don’t feel useless enough. I have never been so disappointed in my fucking life. I sit in my room and cry because I thought I raised her better. Guess not. I guess all my efforts have failed. Failed. Just like me.

So what do I do now? Is there still time to save her from becoming this person, this selfish and ungrateful bitch (NO, I am not calling my daughter a bitch, dumbass, I am asking how to stop her from becoming one!). Do I clean out her room, taking away everything that she holds dear, all of her expensive “stuff” INCLUDING her clothes and phone? Maybe ONLY shop at Wal-Mart and Value Village. Shall I give her the worst Christmas and Birthdays ever by giving her nothing? Grading present? NOPE! Shall we not go see another movie or not another meal out? Shall I transfer her to the school in our district so she can walk or take the school bus and miss all of her friends? Shall I make her live off of shitty ass cheap food? Corn flakes, Kraft dinner, Mr. Noodles and hot dogs EVERY day? No more drives. Anywhere. No more comping trips or day trips. What? There is a new “item” she wants. NO! FFS. How does a depressed parent, who can barely get out of bed teach a 13 year old to be appreciative … especially when the depressed parent feels like she has nothing to be grateful for most days …

 

I eat the Fucking end crust so no one else has to.

I give and give and give and give and no one gives 2 flying fucks. I do everything in my  power to keep everyone happy, yet what the fuck does anyone do for me? Am I being selfish? Perhaps, but perhaps I am allowed to be for once. It gets tiring always being the “giver”.

My daughter gets pretty fucking much everything she wants. I clothe her with the brand name shit. I keep her housed. I feed her, I go out of my way to keep her happy. I go with out so much so that she can have everything. She has pink this and brandy that. Sorel this and Lulu Lemon that. School sweaters, music lessons, drives everywhere. I cook her dinner every night. I make her lunches every day. I pick up after her. I do her laundry. I pay for a bus pass so she can go to the (out of our district) school she wants. She has her own room with a beautiful and expensive bed set (captains bed, night table and computer desk). Electronics up the ying yang… Ipod, tablet, Cell phone, her own computer (times 2!). I could go on and on about what I give to her. I spoil her not only with stuff but with lots of love and nurturing as well. I give her more than enough attention. I stay awake when I am exhausted so I can tuck her in every single night. I make sure to get up with her every morning as she gets ready for school. I spend an abundance of my time with her. I hug and kiss her, snuggle on the couch with her (when she allows it… or wants something)  and tell her I love her every time I feel it ( which is a lot). I let her know she is smart and beautiful. I teach her life lessons and manners. I scold/discipline her when necessary. I talk to her. I love her.

My Boyfriend is just as fucking spoiled. I cook his dinner every night. Make his lunches. I go without, for him. I clean his dirty dishes. I make sure things are quiet at bedtime because he gets up early for work. I do his fucking laundry. I let him do his stuff (playing his video games, building his computers, hang out with friends, etc) without bitching or nagging. I spoil him. We don’t fight … but we don’t really “communicate” much either (we don’t really communicate emotionally, partially my fault, but there have been a couple times in which I tried, and got nothing).

What do they do for me? He buys me stuff sometimes or pays for dinners out and takes the garbage out if I purposely leave it until it piles up or stinks. Every few months he gets an urge to Vacuum…. She occasionally doesn’t have a fucking tween attitude and will occasionally do a chore without being told…. twice (in a year) they made an attempt to clean the house. Don’t get me wrong, or consider me hypocritical here, when they do anything, I thank them and very much appreciate it. But it is so very rare ….

And it is not “just” them. I do for so many and very very few ever even thank me. I don’t expect much in return; respect and appreciation. But it seems the more I do, the more I get shit on … hmm, couple sisters fall into that category drastically. Actually I have only 1 sister that is appreciative or so it seems, I haven’t had the chance to do much for her until recently. At least she said Thank you.  Work at my last job (which I was recently laid off from and have not discussed in my blog as of yet) was just as bad. The shit I did for that company. Bringing in new clients, taking over an EXTRA full position with no change in title or pay raise, finding money losing errors in pricing, doing shit that was no where near my job, the list goes on and on. I am always a listening ear for anyone (and there are many) who wants to talk or vent or confide. I have secrets hidden about people that would make your ancestors roll over in their grave. But I sit and listen and offer advice if requested … no one does this for me … that is only partially true actually … my 2 BFF’s “would”, except that one has no phone and the other one doesn’t answer his. but they would let me talk and cry…and I really need to. Also My mother let’s me vent … but then she starts trying to decipher everything and “diagnose” me or start changing the subject and gets me all worked up about something else … it gets on my nerves sometimes … but  at least she lets me vent.

Over the years, I have developed into a kind and caring woman (despite the fact that some still think of me as the cold hearted bitch I was as a teenager (ish) …that was a lifetime ago (20ish years) I am a different person now and the morons who continuously insinuate that I am still “that” person need to grow up a little (or a LOT) themselves (same sisters fall deeply into this category too). Yes, I can still be a super bitch if you mess with my family or are an ignorant fuckface, but I really don’t like it). A few people have helped me over the years when I have been down and out or struggling and I repay those favours by helping others. I pride myself on doing a bare minimum of 1 good deed per day (often plenty more) and I don’t announce what I have done, I don’t brag about what a great person I am, I just keep believing that Good Karma will be on my side … but nope, nothing good is happening. Karma seems to hate me and my good deeds or any kindness I portray. Maybe I was better off as in my earlier years (late teens/early 20’s) when I was a fucking bitch. Maybe I should become that Perma-Bitch again….

Do Not piss me off

Anyway, back on topic, Someone needs to do something for me or I will fucking quit it all. I love to give, but the ungratefulness and inappreciativeness is too much!!! Do your own god-damn laundry. Buy your own shit. Get your own dinner and prepare your own lunch.  Do your own dirty ass un-rinsed dishes. Clean your own mess. Deal with your own shit! Pay me properly for the job I do. How well do you think that would go over? I am simply tired of feeling walked all over and unappreciated!!!

So what do I want? I am not trying to be selfish or greedy. I want to be appreciated. I want to know that people are grateful for things I do for them. Let me take a day off and someone else do the dishes (fully, not just a few and then leave the rest for me to do!). Someone else do (All of) the laundry. Everyone pick up their own shit… and maybe mine once in a blue moon. I don’t need material things. You don’t need to buy me anything. A caring note, a handmade thank you card, a genuine thank you, an afternoon out for a walk or coffee and a chat, that day off I mentioned, a hug with an “I appreciate you”, Acknowledge that I do so much for you, Something. Merely Something.

A Happy Post … My Daughter

My Daughter, Kyia.hugs
11 Years old at the time of this post.

This young lady is the love of my life.
From the moment she was born she has put the sparkle in my eye with the sparkle in hers.
So What can I say about her to describe her. The proper words elude me, and I may bounce all over the place, but let us see what I can come up with.

Kyia is: Beautiful, kind, spirited, thoughtful, courageous, smart, courteous, soft spoken, loving, stubborn, sentimental, stunning, bright, playful, silly, warm, sincere, intelligent, respectful, picky, cool, funny, polite, helpful, sweet, friendly, comical, clumsy, popular, obsessive, weird, fabulous, well-behaved, spoiled, emotional, happy, talented, quiet, giving, artistic, fun, brilliant, tall, inspiring, and interesting, to name a few.

Kyia loves kitties, and animals in general.
She loves children and babies.
She loves movies and music and books and life.
She likes to draw and paint and craft.
She enjoys cooking and eating.
She loves her family and her friends.
She wants to live a long healthy life by trying to eat healthy and exercise.
She has wanted to be a paleontologist, an artist, a musician, a veterinarian, a teacher, and to work in her favourite store(s) for the discount.
She has loved and lost at such a young age.
She has had her blanket and a special stuffy since she was an infant.
She likes to shop and hang at the mall.
She loves camping and vacationing.

Kyia feels deeply. She loves deeply, she cares deeply, and she hurts deeply.mommys_little_bambino_oval_decal

I love her more than there are raindrops during spring showers.
I love her more than there are stars in the sky.
I love her more than myself. I would, without a second thought, give my life for her.

Having her in my life has made me the best person I can be. For her.
She is my treasure. She is my inspiration. She is my hope. She is my joy. She is my blessing. She is my dream. She is my heart. She is my headache. She is my soul. She is my love. She is my daughter.

She is my Reason.