Category Archives: True Story

Is Education Free in Canada? NO!!!!

Not in Alberta! Maybe I am overreacting … Maybe I am not …

When I realized (in January) that despite my best efforts I still did not have a job and could not afford to pay Kyia’s school fees, which I had been putting of in the hopes that I would find a job and be able to pay them, I requested a “Fee Waiver” from The Calgary Board of Education (CBE). This was VERY hard for me. Between my pride and my anxiety, it made me cry that I had to “ask for help”.HighFees But there is no possible way for me to afford the nearly $400 they want for school fees. YES you read that right. $400 fucking dollars per year (PLUS the hundreds they want you to pay for field trips, and additional school activities throughout the year) for a “FREE” education. I understand that some SMALL fees (Small=$25-$50 MAX) may be acceptable but $400+ is just outrageous!! This is Canada for fuck sake. How in the fuck does CBE justify approx $400 they say noon super vision, transportation, school supplies etc….
1. My child does not get supervised at noon!! She is in grade 8 and leaves the school grounds most days. And seriously!! These pussy-ass fucking teachers who BARELY even teach kids any more can’t SHARE lunch supervision?? I respect teachers, don’t get me wrong…well I used to…but these days it seems the teachers need to be coddled and babied. They don’t teach our children the things they need. They baby them by “passing” everyone. They rarely discipline (I don’t mean straps, just detention or even a goddamn scolding!). And they cut out essential core studies … like Cursive and multiplication tables!!! The teachers need to “man-the-fuck-up” and TEACH our kids! …oh I am going off topic … The teachers are paid for their day in their salaries … They should NOT get extra to monitor lunch hours. This should simply be mandatory shared tasks INCLUDED IN THEIR FUCKING JOB!!!!
2. Transportation … I cannot bitch much about this one really… Because we live in a different school zone, my daughter does not take school buses. We chose to not send her to the school in our zone so I am not “charged” this (additional $335) fee and I buy her a monthly transit pass to get to school. However … I believe the rate for school bus transit is a bit much … I have not fully researched all of the other provinces, but I do KNOW that the majority of the provinces do not have this fee!! (Or ANY of these overpriced fees!)
3. School supplies … Oh this one makes my blood boil!! I BUY HER SCHOOL SUPPLIES!! The BUDGET Buys teacher supplies. What the actual fuck is this bullshit!! I go out and spend $100 ish dollars on the LIST that the CBE gives out for instructional supplies and then they try to charge me (Approx $150)for more!! You don’t pay … they THREATEN YOU!!! New Brunswick School fees $25 and buy your own school supplies OR $35 School supplies INCLUDED (NO transportation fee, NO supervision fee, NO Bullshit!!). If you don’t pay, you don’t get threatened, you just don’t get the school planner. FUCK YOU CBE!!! FUCK YOU!!! Greedy fucking dickface CBE!! Again, FUCK YOU!

https://www.albertacanada.com/opportunity/settle/education.aspx
Alberta Canada -Education

Anyhoo, Back to the “Fee Waiver”, I was apparently never approved…Yesterday I received an email from the CBE basically threatening me. Pay or we will send you to collections!! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!! I sent an email stating that I applied for fee waiver months ago…ATTACHING the original email and including a snippit from their webpage showing that I had applied. The message they sent back was that I need a “Child Health Benefits card”. Um. No. No I fucking don’t! I am not going to the goddamned government begging for fucking anything. It is bad enough that I am back on the dreadful EI. I will not go to them for ANYTHING (unless absolutely necessary… like EI because work is scarce and I need fricking money…also I paid into that shit). So I told them that (in a nicer way) I simply said, “I do not need nor want a benefits card. You have my financial information. That is all you need. They came back with basically a too bad, that is our policy. You have to go to Alberta Works and basically apply to be low-income and get that Child Health Benefits Card. Are you fucking kidding me!!! I lost it. I literally walked away from the computer and left my reply until this morning. Which was still kind of nasty…because I am still PISSED So Here is what I sent off:

“To whom it may concern,
I have submitted a fee waiver and have forwarded my EI income information already- MONTHS ago!! You threaten to send me to collections KNOWING that I can NOT afford to pay these fees. I am disgusted that you will NOT approve the fee waiver just because I am not on social assistance/Welfare?! I am on EMPLOYMENT INSURANCE! I have ALREADY stated this! I do NOT need nor want a health benefits card and there is NO reason that I should be forced to get some letter calling/labeling me “low-income” or forced to get this health card thing. YOU have my financial information!! Why do you want to embarrass, belittle and STRESS people and families by forcing them to announce to the world that they are poor? I have enough stress and anxiety in my life, I sure as heck do not need The Calgary School Board adding to it! I have shared my financial woes with you, yet you want me to go to a multitude of others announcing my struggles. This process is despicable. This process is WRONG. I have sent you the information and there is no reason for you to force me to embarrass and stress myself further. I am on EI. I make LESS than 2000 per month. My rent, bills and food expenses meet and sometimes exceed that amount. Last year I made under $40,000 and the ONLY reason it was that “high” is because I did work for 6 months of the year…but still technically below the poverty line! Unfortunately I was let go in early October, JUST after an emergency trip to NB (that I am STILL trying to pay off!) leaving me unemployed and BROKE. I expect The Calgary School Board (or ANY school board for that matter) to be a bit more respectful and understanding to people in these situations. When YOU are provided with sufficient financial information to approve a family for a fee waiver. JUST DO IT! Don’t send them to the government agencies. Don’t send them to the school. Don’t force this embarrassment onto them. And for God sake do NOT Threaten them!!! Just take that information and make the darn approval. We live in CANADA. Education is supposed to be FREE!!!! Maybe it is my pride talking or maybe it is my social anxiety, It does not matter, DO not force people into uncomfortable situations. Period. Now please look into this. Thank you.”

Too much? Should I be this Mad? Am I over-reacting? I don’t think so. Why? …

freeeducationEducation is MANDATORY in Canada. Education is a RIGHT in Canada. Education is FREE in Canada. FREE you fucking idiots. FREE. Not $400 dollars or we will send you to collections. FREE!

So Now I apparently have to go to the principal of my daughters school and beg them to approve the waiver “in house” …what a fucking hassle for this free education. Did I mention…

FUCK YOU CBE and FUCK YOU ALBERTA EDUCATION!!!

FU

First Boyfriends and the Panicked Mom.

So Kyia has her first boyfriend … How the fuck do I deal with this!!! My mind is scattered all over the place with this one. Inside I am freaking-the-fuck-out!! Outside, I am playing the cool mom whom Kyia can tell everything to … It is killing me!!So lets go over some points …

I was a teen girl once, but at 13 I had no boyfriends and little interest in the idiots I went to school with…seriously, one or 2 of them WERE cute, I suppose… BUT Assholes and Morons!! Sure I had crushes on “celebrities” like Jon Bon Jovi, Jason Bateman, Charlie Schlatter and “Bo Duke” (John Schneider) also …. ummm … well …*cough**cough* Jon Knight *cough**cough* and maybe *cough**cough* *cough**cough* Wil *cough**cough* Wheaton *cough**cough*  But, Well, Believe it or not, as the saying goes … “sweet 16 and never been kissed”. I was actually 16 when I had my first “real” boyfriend and my first kiss and lost my virginity (I say “real” because I had a boyfriend named Jimmy when I was 4 or 5 that probably lasted like a day. And I actually had a Boyfriend at 14 … but I literally said yes to this dip-shit just to get him to leave me alone. *Eyeroll* He bugged me and asked me to be his girlfriend over and over and I repeatedly told him “no” over and over until I finally said FINE! We lasted 3 days… when we went swimming and he pushed my, unable to swim, little sister into the deep end of the pool … I dumped him and threatened him that if I ever saw him again, I would beat the shit out of him … I never saw him again…I was a little “rough around the edges” and tough as nails with a temper that would scare Satan when I was younger. LOL). So back on point, I went fast, or so I think I did, now… I had my first boyfriend and first kiss, 6 months later we broke up and I got my second boyfriend and just over a month together, I lost my virginity … Terrifying! But this plays in my mind, this and KNOWING how boys think and what they think about … *shudder*  Despite still being a girl and having girly thoughts and feelings (that I hid) I grew up, kind of “tomboy-ish”. I have always been “one of the boys” I relate better with the guys… frilly, prissy, catty chicks piss me the fuck off!  Being “one of the boys” allowed the guys to speak freely around me… so yes, I KNOW how and what they think. Anyhoo…As a teen girl, if my mother told me no … well I did it out of spite. My mother said I can’t hang out with a certain person? I would do it more. My mother said I can’t go out? I jumped out my bedroom window. I know better than to pull the “Your too young for a boyfriend” crap … that will make her want it more! So ….

I play the cool mom. Kyia informed me of her crush a couple of months ago, and she told me as soon as he asked her out (about 3 weeks ago). She told me when he tried to kiss her (a few times) and how she dodged it and she told me when she did finally let him kiss her (last weekend!!)…I died inside, just sayin…She trusts me enough to tell me these things. Why? Because, despite the fucking devastating bomb that just detonated in my guts I hold it together and smile and talk to her about it…or just smile and say something nice … depending on both of our moods. She trusts that I am not going to tell the whole planet about them. She trusts that I am not going to tease and ridicule her (much). She trusts that I am going to be there for her. She KNOWS that I am her best friend … no matter how much she pretends it is the other kids… lol. She knows. She trusts. I listen. I respect.

My insides are going to cause a nuclear meltdown. I mean seriously … I suffer from Anxiety, occasional Depression (which is currently “on”), a little OCD and over-protectiveness …. and My baby girl has her first boyfriend!!! PANIC ATTACK in effect!! The emotions and thoughts are running rampant! Kissing, Sex, Heartache, STD’s, PREGNANCY!! OMG OMG OMG, Breathe!! Breathe!! A woman I used to work with has a 15 year old daughter who just had a baby … that is fucking retarded!!! When I was a teenager, A girl I knew who was 12, TWELVE, got pregnant! Jesus Christ! 12 and 15 years old, That IS a baby!! AIDS… need I say more! And for fucks sake what am I going to do when her heart is broken …although I do have LOTS of experience here since her dad has been breaking her heart for 13 fucking years ..fucking scum bag piece of shit dead beat…. but seriously … I know I “look” like I am holding it all together, but I am not. I want to tell her “NO dating until you are 16 (or 40)!” I want to scare that boy away! I want to ground her for life and move to a secluded island where there are no boys! I want to cry!!! There is so much responsibility that comes with boyfriends, love and sex. there is so much danger in it if one is not mature enough and or prepared. AND in this day and age, parents should be DRILLING information and facts on Sex, Pregnancy and STDs into their teenagers heads! Scare the shit out of the little bastards so that they will never have sex … hey! A mom can dream!! This is NOT the earlier 1900s when talking sex is Taboo … TALK TO YOUR FUCKING KIDS!!! Yes, it is awkward and uncomfortable, but I talk to Kyia about her menstrual period, boys, sex, STDs, Pregnancy, drugs and so-on. We both hate it, yes, but I want her informed. So we talk … sometimes too much … she gets so annoyed when I go on and on and on …. Hell sometimes I annoy myself! lol… So I “try” to have these talks in small doses, when a topic arises. Have we had all of “the” talks? No not yet, but she is 13 and we are starting them….also I need time to mentally prepare ME for these talks! THIS on top of the teenage “attitude… I think I am going to die!

The Boy … Kyia had him over this weekend. They hung out all day and we brought them out to Dinner. I drilled him with Questions…nothing too crazy… what do you like to do? got brothers or sisters? pets? You know, those type questions … they may get more “difficult” with each visit… muahahahaha! He SEEMS like a pretty good kid. He is Athletic, Plays (and is apparently fairly obsessed with) Basketball. He plays for the school and (I think) for a city team and he watches the NBA and he plays video game basketball. He is quiet and a little shy. He is in Band. He “used to” play World of Warcraft. He played D&D once. He lives with his dad. He seems smart. The boy has a nerdy side (BONUS!). But … His preferred music Genre is Rap… could he pick a worse (IMO) Genre… fak…Well everyone has flaws I guess. He talks more quietly than Kyia. He is too shy (and indecisive) to make a decision. They took a trip to the park for a couple hours and we had our dinner trip, but other than that, they hung out in her room most of the day…with the door WIDE open and Momma “passing by” randomly. I caught him attempting a kiss at one point and went right in the room and sat my ass down… both of them bright red … I sat there for a good 10-15 minutes just “chatting” away. I didn’t know how to react. I wanted to grab him by the scruff of the neck and throw him out the window…or through the wall! But instead, I calmly interrupted his attempt and sat down to continue the interruption. NO Kissing in my presence!! NO Kissing in my house!! I know they have kissed (now keep in mind this is 13 year old kissing… pecks on the lips) and I am not going to ground her over it, but I do NOT condone it. I do NOT approve of it. She is my Baby!!!

rules

What I am doing … reading, researching and communicating…also breathing, a lot of calming deep breaths and crying… a lot of very emotional cries … I recently had someone (a couple someones actually)  tell me, Just tell her not to do it. She is too young, do not allow it. But realistically … She is 13. Boys are a part of her life. Teenage attitude, especially if she is anything like her mom, can be very spiteful. So it is MY opinion that in MY circumstance,  MY parenting for this is to make sure she is informed. To make sure they always have a chaperone (of sorts) even if it is a group of friends. But to do that I need to inform myself so….

I bought this baby from chapters a few days ago: Parenting a Teen Girl: A Crash Course on Conflict, Communication and Connection with Your Teenage Daughter

and this one I bought the same day from Audible – the audio format to listen to in the car: Smart but Scattered Teens: The “Executive Skills” Program for Helping Teens Reach Their Potential

and I think this one is next … but for the 2 of us to go over together: Being a Teen: Everything Teen Girls & Boys Should Know About Relationships, Sex, Love, Health, Identity & More

I will get through this. I will get through this. I WILL get through this.

 

 

 

 

Failure. I feel like a failure.

Why do I feel like such a failure today? Why is today such a bad day? Why am I so depressed today?

Let me start with a little back history for any noobs who are not aware of “me”. I am a single mother who for the last 10 + years suffers from Anxiety and for the last 2 years, progressing Depression…meaning every day seems a little worse.  My daughter’s father is a lying, scumbag, deadbeat, abusive, alcoholic/drug addict, piece of shit. My family is filled with cunts and assholes. My childhood was shit. My adult life is shit. And well I feel like shit.

Today is a VERY bad depressing day. I literally forced myself out of bed today…twice. I really just want to go back, but for now maybe some blog therapy will help….? Doubtful, but let’s give it a go, writing it out does occasionally help so let’s see…if not maybe I will colour. It all started yesterday (actually it started WAY before that, but for the sake of this post, we will say yesterday) when Finn got an interview and was offered the job during the interview…now hold on to your judgement… back up a tiny bit with a sum up, Finn was laid off 8 months ago. In the last 8 months he applied for ONE fucking job (Actually I think there may have been a second one that I harassed him into applying for), got an interview and the job. I spent every goddamn day (well every weekday and occasional weekend days) for the last 7 months looking through thousands of postings, going to/cold calling dozens of companies, applying for HUNDREDS of jobs and attending dozens of interviews and job fairs. So yes, despite my happiness that Finn is finally getting off his lazy ass, I am resentful and bitter that I work so hard and he does next to nothing. No, I shouldn’t be and I try to fight it and hide it but this is what depression AND anxiety does to a person. All I can think about is how un-fucking-fair this is. “They” say good things happen to good people… Well Fuck “them”, fucking liars. When the fuck is my “good” going to happen? I do good deeds ALL the time, Despite (currently) being classified as poor, I still give to charities and those in need, I am kind to people, despite not liking people very much, I care WAY too much. I help people even after they lie to me, abuse me, cheat on me, betray me and/or hurt me. I often go without so others have. Yet, here I am, a 40 year old fucking failure who can’t get nor keep a fucking job despite being, hard working, reliable, honest, punctual, ethical and intelligent…? (Maybe I am not that smart, maybe I am getting dumber by the fucking day, that sure is how I feel lately) and whose daughter is a selfish, ungrateful, materialistic, entitled, spoiled brat. And that brings me to today’s set off.

I had a little vent with Kyia this morning, after a horrible sleep due to “someone’s” tossing and turning and alarm at 4am (Because you know, when one needs to be a 30 minute drive away at 7 one must get up at 4… asshole). I was a bit cranky and I made a complaint about Finn not only not applying for the better paying job that I pointed out to him a couple days ago but also not even looking into it (Double pay compared to the job he just took, also better job with better company). So after that mini rant Kyia started her own (very teenage snotty) rant about Finn better apply for the other job because she is tired of being poor…Wait… what the fuck. You need to understand that while we are FAR from rich, and are actually what one might consider “poor” (at the moment, I have had some good jobs over the years, but right now I am on EI) we get by with NO help and I make sure that we live as if Finn’s income doesn’t exist, without him, we can live as we are now. (Because I swore when My own sister fucked me over that I would NEVER rely on anyone or anything again … I know, kind of petty but you don’t understand how horribly I have been hurt, betrayed and ripped off by my own family…over and over…So no one ever again will have me in any kind of state of dependence and invulnerability). My daughter gets everything she needs and almost everything she wants (which granted, has been a bit less the past few months). Despite being on EI for the better (worst?) part of the last 2 years (wait before I start this list, remember that a lot of this was purchased while I was working in decent jobs and with savings and such. Don’t you dare judge me and what I spend MY money on!!). Her entire wardrobe is Lulu Lemon, Bench, Nike, Roots, Converse, Thrasher, Brandy Melville, Pink etc… you get the point, all expensive name brands. She has her own custom built computer in her room she has a brand new phone, an ipod and TWO UE Mega-booms!! She HAD 2 tablets but destroyed them with her destructively jamming in the charger this also happened with 2 of her phones and yet although I refused to replace the tablet the second time, She always manages to get a new phone. She goes to ALL of her school events, which ALWAYS cost money, I buy her a monthly bus pass so she can attend the school her friends go to which is not in our district, I bought her hundreds of dollars of art supplies because she wanted it and she never touched it (this has actually happened with many “fad” things! …We have a Wii U so she could play Zelda and wii-fit, she doesn’t touch it, and an Atari – the new one with 101 games pre-loaded, because she wanted it to play frogger, she hasn’t touched it). I drive her all over hells creation because her 2 best friends live 20 minute drive away from us … in opposite directions!! I give her money whenever she needs it and almost always when she asks. Our fridge and cupboards are ALWAYS filled with food, good fresh food. She has her own space heater in her room in case she gets cold and that’s just the tip of the iceberg. FFS. So I snapped at her, I actually forget exactly what I said but it was something like “I am sorry if this life I have fought to provide isn’t good enough for you, but too goddamn bad!”

She had the fucking nerve to continue with “but I haven’t got anything new in a long time” … Christmas which brought in THOUSANDS of dollars in new clothes was less than 5 months ago!!! AND EASTER was just last fucking month (granted, Easter is a lot smaller, she did get new “roots” shorts and socks and the Atari)!! I lost it! I yelled. I literally yelled at her. Sure I raise my voice at her at times, but yelling is a rarity. I was so fucking mad that I called her selfish, I called her ungrateful, I called her selfish again, I called her materialistic and I called her selfish again. I freaked. And when I realized that my parenting skills of trying to raise a kind, thoughtful, Grateful, appreciative, daughter failed, I stormed off into my room, slammed the door and stayed in there crying for hours. I didn’t even walk her to the door when she left for school. I didn’t give her a hug and kiss goodbye. And I didn’t tell her I love her. I sat in my room and cried. I cried in disappointment, I cried in failure, I cried in depression. And then of course I started thinking about all the things that make me a failure and I cried some more. Of course it is my fault. I go without so that she can still have this stuff. I go without so she can have her lulu lemon tights, and roots jogging pants. I go without so she can have her Pink sweaters and Brandy Melville shirts. I go without so she can take the bus to the school she wants. I go without so she can get drives to her friends. I go without so she can have a phone. Maybe I gave her too much. Maybe I spoiled her too much. Now all that matters is her and her stuff. I spent the last 13 years suffering through hellish stressful days and shitty jobs. Suffered immensely just for her to become selfish and ungrateful. I did this. I can’t even express my disappointment in both her and myself. I can’t even express my hurt. I know she is only 13 but she watches me struggle every day and still throws being poor in my face. I can’t even. I just can’t. Because I am not depressed enough and I apparently don’t feel bad enough about myself and I don’t feel useless enough. I have never been so disappointed in my fucking life. I sit in my room and cry because I thought I raised her better. Guess not. I guess all my efforts have failed. Failed. Just like me.

So what do I do now? Is there still time to save her from becoming this person, this selfish and ungrateful bitch (NO, I am not calling my daughter a bitch, dumbass, I am asking how to stop her from becoming one!). Do I clean out her room, taking away everything that she holds dear, all of her expensive “stuff” INCLUDING her clothes and phone? Maybe ONLY shop at Wal-Mart and Value Village. Shall I give her the worst Christmas and Birthdays ever by giving her nothing? Grading present? NOPE! Shall we not go see another movie or not another meal out? Shall I transfer her to the school in our district so she can walk or take the school bus and miss all of her friends? Shall I make her live off of shitty ass cheap food? Corn flakes, Kraft dinner, Mr. Noodles and hot dogs EVERY day? No more drives. Anywhere. No more comping trips or day trips. What? There is a new “item” she wants. NO! FFS. How does a depressed parent, who can barely get out of bed teach a 13 year old to be appreciative … especially when the depressed parent feels like she has nothing to be grateful for most days …

 

http://henniegurlluvez.blogspot.ca/2011/10/end-of-our-friendship.html

No break up is more heartbreaking than that of the betrayal of a best friend.

I have lost contact with a lot of “friends” over the years but she hurt me the most.

Nora and I had a complicated relationship. We hated each other, then loved each other, moved in together as roommates, stopped talking, friends again, and again and again, and then along came Byrne.broken-heart-painting-on-wall

A little history… Nora and I met in 1996 (I was 19-20 and she 16-17). She was pregnant with her first baby. The father (We will call him Laur) was one of my roommates and a scum bag that invokes a whole other story, but this story is about Nora. We hated each other at first. Not for any good reason, we were young, I drank … a lot … and Nora was pregnant, stuck around a bunch of drunks and has those “natural bitch eyes”. Laur made her terrified of me by telling her stories about how mean, and evil I was. Don’t get me wrong, I could be pretty mean and nasty if you pissed me off, but considering all I did for him, (for starters, He lived with us for free as he had no-where to live. Yes I was that person). Anyway, obviously I was not nearly as “evil” as he made me out to be, but I was very strong, confident, loud, vocal, and independent, so along with Laur’s lying horror stories, I scared the crap out of meek little Nora.

2 or 3 ish months after the baby (Corliss) was born, Nora and Laur (he moved out somewhere along the way … actually, I am pretty sure I may have told him to leave) had a house warming type party as they got themselves a new apartment. This is when Nora and I finally really started speaking and getting to know each other. She was not nearly as bitchy as her eyes portrayed and I was not as Evil as Laur portrayed me. We became friends.

Keep in mind that as I stated before, Laur was a scum bag. When Corliss was about 6-8 months old some (abusive and illegal type) shit went down between Nora and Laur, leaving Nora needing a place to live, me being that person who took in strays (for lack of a better term) invited Nora and Corliss to stay with me. I had another roommate at this time who hated Nora (she was actually quite jealous of the growing relationship between Nora and I), to the point where she would pick fights with her and literally wanted Nora out on the streets. To make this part of the story short, it got so bad that I kicked out the roommate and Nora stayed. We lived together for the next 2-3 years. We quickly became the best of friends ….

The best of friends except for 1 thing. Nora ALWAYS let men come between us. Usually “hers” but once, mine (…in her defence, she was right that time … he was an asshole).

Just about every time she got a boyfriend, she stopped talking to me, started a fight somehow, or, once she actually told me that we can’t hang out because the BF didn’t like me. Nora had a type. That type was possessive, controlling, abusive, assholes. Most of her boyfriends didn’t like me and I was ok with it. They were dirt-bag losers who thrived on intimidating “weak women”. I was far from weak and intimidated them instead. They hated that I did not cower and I figure they were very afraid my strength would rub off on their new slave. Sadly when Nora did find a “good guy” she would dump his ass pretty quick or wreck that relationship before it even started. Because of her choosing Men over everyone I always said, “Nora and I are not true friends. I keep going back for Corliss.” Don’t get me wrong, I love Nora, I still do, we went through a lot together and I was ALWAYS there for her, and she was ALMOST always there for me, but she was never a real friend to me and I knew it. Sure she listened to me vent (when she was single), and we hung out and partied together, we called each other daily and we did just about everything together … as long as a sack of shit narcissist was not controlling  or even just in her life. But she always put men first … even went as far as to sleep with some that I cared about …But I still loved her, like a sister even.

We only ever had 1 fight that did not involve a man in some way. It was the stupidest, dumbest fight ever! We were both cranky, hungover, out of smokes and caffeine. I think I will leave it at that.

publilius-syrus-quote-a-friendship-that-can-end-never-really-beganThen Nora met Gabor. I didn’t care much for him at first (likely because I thought he would be like all the rest). He was a drunk. I was in the process of coming out of my heavy drinking stage. But, He eventually grew on me … like a tumor. Why? Despite his drinking and extreme annoyance when drunk, he was a pretty good guy. He was not an over powering scuz bucket. He did not abuse Nora. He didn’t “control” Nora. He worked. He was fun. He was easy to talk to. If I called for Nora and she was out, Gabor took over as the ear to listen. He became one of my best friends too. You know when you hang out with a couple and you feel like a third wheel … I never felt that with Nora and Gabor. They were together for quite some time (Well it was over 8 years anyway). Got married had a baby and then separated and finally divorced. I stayed friends with both of them…

In late 2008 Nora met Byrne, the beginning of our end. He was a married (supposedly separated) man at the time, but that didn’t stop Nora. They started seeing one another. At first I thought this was great. I liked Byrne, I thought he was pretty cool and fun. In fact she met him through me (no, not as a set up). He was a friend of mine (or so I thought). Sure he flirted with and hit on me a few times, but I shrugged it off, because he flirted with lots of girls and was really friendly with everyone it seemed. When he and Nora started dating (I hoped) that would be the end of his hitting on chicks. Well it wasn’t. It was worse. We went out together one night, the three of us, and I was going to crash at Nora’s. Naturally so was Byrne. Well Nora was so Drunk that she went up to bed. Now if this was Gabor, we could have sat together all night, laughing, drinking and having a good time as friends. No hitting on me, no flirting with me. Just hanging out. Well this was NOT Gabor. Byrne came on strong. Byrne tried to “sleep” with me. In Nora’s House! Naturally I shoved him away from me (a couple times) and made him go to bed then I called a cab and went home. I couldn’t sleep there knowing that he was there and could try something on me at any time. And being intoxicated, when I passed out … I may not have woken up right away if he did try something. I was pissed off and left. I initially intended to tell Nora first thing in the morning but I thought 2 things, Nora will likely “choose him” and his story over me, and our friendship will end. So I kept it to myself, chalking it up to drunkenness, it won’t happen again. I won’t let it. I would not be alone or drunk around Byrne again. Nora and I drifted apart a bit, still called each other “friends” but it was ending. She would go to Byrne’s house for the night or weekend (which was directly across the street from me remember) and I wouldn’t even know. She wouldn’t call or visit. Neither her nor the kids.

In early 2009 (mid Feb), Gabor ran into a rough patch and I offered him a place to stay. He too was my friend after all and at this point a better friend than Nora. So he moved in. If you’ve read previous blogs, you know this is a bad habit I have, taking in “strays”.

Mid 2009 (June 30th actually, we were bringing in Canada Day) Nora, Byrne, myself and a few other people were partying at a bar on the boardwalk. It had been a while since I hung out with Nora, I missed my best friend and I was having a blast! Then Byrne ruined it. That fucking pig. He took me aside and tried to make out with me. When I pulled away, he said “why aren’t we together?” He told me he wanted me and always had. He went on and on about how we belong together and he is only with Nora because he is not with me and all kinds of bullshit of that nature. I tried to ignore him and walk away, but he was persistent. So I faked sick and went home. I again made the mistake of not telling Nora right away. I waited about a month. (But I believe for good reason) It was eating me alive. I knew I had to tell her, but I also knew it would ruin our friendship. Forever this time, I could just feel it. So i mulled it over and I talked to a lot of people and they convinced me to tell her. I wanted to tell her in person but she could not seem to find the time to meet with me. (I honestly believe to this day, that Byrne was trying to keep us apart to avoid me telling her… Little did he know, friends don’t matter to Nora, Men do.) Weeks went by and I just couldn’t wait any longer, so I sent her a message. Spilling everything. Everything about Byrne, a couple other events that pissed me off and how upset I was. A few emails/messages back and forth and that was it. End of friendship. Why? Well or 1. She completely ignored the part of the message where I told her that her married boyfriend (Who was infact still fully married, living part-time (weekends) with and sleeping with his wife… long story) is a cheating piece of shit. And 2. She then tried to blame me for our drifting apart!! What the actual fuck! First saying it was because I let Gabor move in with me. I came back with “Are you fucking kidding? This started WAY before he moved in!” Then she came up with some other excuse to shift any blame from her and Byrne. It was ridiculous. I couldn’t even believe what I was hearing/reading.

httpfavim.comimage1683910Over the next year we barely spoke. But our kids were all raised together, so we still shifted kids and had sleepovers. Then that stopped. Nora started making excuses and lies to keep her kids away from mine. Her youngest, who was best friends with Kyia, invited Kyia to her Birthday party. Days before the party, Nora UNINVITED HER! I kid you not. made up some lie about there not being a party. THIS made me lose it. I messaged Nora and went up one side and down the other. If she wants to hate me because her cheating boyfriend would have likely “chosen” me over her, given the chance, then fine. But who the fuck do they think they are punishing and hurting the children! This, I would not stand for. She did not reply. But she stopped being (that much of) a cunt. The Kids stayed out of it after that.

Today. Kyia still talks to the girls. I still talk to the girls. Nora and I speak on occasion and are “acquaintances” but we will never be friends again. I will always love her and she will always hold a place in my heart but I will never trust her. No break up is more heartbreaking than that of the betrayal of a best friend.

Losing a friend over a difference of opinion

Note **this blog and the one about the burqa controversy were one blog, I have since separated them.

I was thinking about an old friend (Garvan) today, and yesterday I was hashing it out about Burqa’s and therefore decided I want to do a blog entry on the differences of people and their opinions. About 2 years ago, I lost, what I thought was, a dear good friend because of a difference in opinion. No I didn’t kill Garvan, I simply didn’t agree with his way of thinking and he decided that being friends with someone who believes in freedom is not for him. I was appalled by his decision to cut me out of his life. But such things happen. Sadly.

A brief, little history. I met Garvan when I was a teenager and we quickly became the best of friends. He was not the brightest in our group of friends, he was a bit older (early 20’s) and he was kind. That was his thing, he was such a sweetie. (FYI …We never dated). He knew all my secrets, including those I wouldn’t tell my “other” best friends. I could talk to Garvan about anything. We both moved away and kept in touch for years but started to drift away from one another. Then Facebook happened. We found each other and kept in touch again, he had a family, I had a family, we sent each other Christmas cards every year, it was so nice to catch up and keep up with his life. It felt amazing, as I cared deeply for Garvan. He was a best friend in a crucial time of my life, after all (the teenage years). It was lovely. I miss him.

Now Garvan, as mentioned before, is not very bright. He had MANY opinions on things that I did not agree with, but Me being me, just let it be…. until …

I made a post (on FB) about a controversial issue. The issue was about Phil Robertson’s Quote in GQ regarding HIS BELIEFS

I Posted a link to some story about A&E suspending the show and Stated:

“Although I do NOT agree with his beliefs, I do believe that he has a right to believe what he chooses. I also believe he has the right to express those beliefs. (I apologize in advance if this offends anyone of my friends, I also have opinions that may or may not be the same as yours). We don’t condemn those certain religious groups who express their religious views vigorously at your door, we choose to listen or ignore. So you don’t agree with Phil? You have the choice to listen or ignore. Don’t watch his show. Don’t buy his stuff. THAT is YOUR choice. However if you intend to condemn him and punish him for his beliefs, and expressing said beliefs, than you had better keep your mouth shut too!! If you think you can have an opinion yet others cannot, well you are sadly mistaken. Everyone has their own opinion, most different than others. No one is being hurt (if your feelings are hurt I have a report you can fill out, google “hurt feeling report” and take your pick), so why punish a man for expressing what he believes? I have many friends who are straight, gay, Christian, atheist, different colours and nationalities. They all have opinions and/or beliefs that may or may not differ from mine. I do not condemn them for it. They should not be punished for expressing themselves and their opinions and beliefs, and neither should Phil Robertson (I would also like to state that I am neither pro nor anti ‘Phil’ I do not regularly watch Duck Dynasty, but if someone else is watching it, I will sit and have a chuckle). We are “supposed” to be a free country (both Canada and the USA) yet we have no freedoms. We cannot speak our minds, we cannot express our opinions, we have to conform to what we are told or we are “bad” people. WRONG. I believe these bad people are those who try to make everyone the same by oppressing us and our thoughts and/or those who do things to hurt people. The people of the world will never think alike, live alike, look alike or be alike. How boring would that world be? I, personally, would never want to be a part of that world. I will always have an opinion and most often express it. If you don’t like it, move on. If you don’t agree, well that is YOUR opinion and feel free to express it. The world is a crazy place, accept it and move on.”

Then the following conversation/comments occurred:

Friend 1: ” I second what you said!!!!!”

Friend 2: It’s the same as hating someone for their gender, race, or skin colour. If some famous dude wants to bash a whole group of people for something their brain is prewired to and can’t change, and then proceed to throw shit in there about god and religion, I’d expect nothing less than what they did.”

ME: “Phil is not homophobic, nor does he “hate” gays, he simply believes it to be a sin in “God’s” eyes …. Quoted from the GQ Article that this controversy stemmed from … “It seems like, to me, a vagina—as a man—would be more desirable than a man’s anus. That’s just me. I’m just thinking: There’s more there! She’s got more to offer. I mean, come on, dudes! You know what I’m saying? But hey, sin: It’s not logical, my man. It’s just not logical.” … AND… “Start with homosexual behavior and just morph out from there. Bestiality, sleeping around with this woman and that woman and that woman and those men,” he says. Then he paraphrases Corinthians: “Don’t be deceived. Neither the adulterers, the idolaters, the male prostitutes, the homosexual offenders, the greedy, the drunkards, the slanderers, the swindlers—they won’t inherit the kingdom of God. Don’t deceive yourself. It’s not right.” …AND MY FAVOURITE …“We never, ever judge someone on who’s going to heaven, hell. That’s the Almighty’s job. We just love ’em, give ’em the good news about Jesus—whether they’re homosexuals, drunks, terrorists. We let God sort ’em out later, you see what I’m saying?””

Lacey:  “If they’re taking him off the air, then they should also ban all Catholic, Baptist, Jehova, etc. from the air. They also hate on gays, Atheists, etc.”

Someone stated here that he should not have said these things on TV, and promptly deleted their comment when I corrected them with the following.

ME: “1. it was not on TV. 2. he actually said nothing wrong. everything he said was taken out of context and misconstrued.”

Garvan: “what he said was wrong..no matter what it was just wrong..that kind of thinking is something he should keep to him self or privacy of his own home. he must take responsablity for his hatefull choice of words. even you should be wise enough to understand that.” (note this was the ONLY comment he posted) 

ME: “nope. I believe in the freedom to express ones self. freedom of speech. freedom of life choice. basically FREEDOM.”, If you read what he “actually” said, there was nothing wrong. … watch this video …” (<<click the link to see the video I posted) 

Teagan: “A&E suspends him!? WTF! How hypocritical is that! How dare they! That network glorifies murder and bases most if their content on murder. How dare they pretend to take a moral stance.
I can’t help but to invoke the lyrics to Metallica’s song “eye of the beholder”.
To hell with “political correctness”! Next thing you know they’ll take our thoughts away.”, “Nothing he said was hateful. Even if it was, I would defend his right to express his belief. Even if I didn’t agree with it.”, “F**k the status quo and f**k towing the party line.”

A day later, with no other communication, I noticed that Garvan “unfriended” me. I was confused, so I confronted him and sent him a private message:

“Wow. I don’t know where deleting me came from. We have been friends for a very long time and I never thought of you as the type of person to “de-friend” someone just because they have a different point of view than you do. we have disagreed on many things over the years but never did I not consider you a friend. I am very disappointed in you Garvan. I thought you were a better person than that. People have different opinions and out takes on life. You should learn to accept that and move on. I am sorry if I offended you, however I do not apologize for expressing my opinion.”

His response was a simple “bye bye” That was it. The last I heard from him. My heart was broken but I still think of him from time to time … especially when controversial topics arise, when I will wonder “am I going to lose this friend too”?

just-becuase-someones-opinion-is-different-than-your-own-it-does-not-mean-they-are-wrong

I would like to point out that Duck Dynasty is still on the air … on A&E … Just saying.

I have friends of many different colours, races, sexes, ages,religions and sexual orientation. I have friends who do not agree with my beliefs. I have friends who have different political views than I have. I have friends who dress different than I do, listen to different music and raise their children a different way . Just because they are different does not make them wrong or bad, it makes them different than me. We are still friends (with the exception of Garvan of course).

(Hell, My boyfriend, Finn, has MANY different beliefs, opinions and views then I do… I still love him. Also, I raise my daughter, Kyia, to have her own opinion, views and beliefs… I secretly hope they are the same as mine, but, for the most part, I let her establish them herself, I simply guide her and inform her and encourage her to research and form her own opinion…and yes, she already has different opinions, likes, dislikes than I … like her listening to that horrible country music… ulgh… the brat)

We ALL have different opinions. We ALL have different beliefs. We ALL have different views. We ALL make different choices. Accept it and move on, or don’t and fuck off. It is your choice.

Stay Tuned Part 1

Lego Pain

Continued from What is this pain. I suggest you read that first…

The blood work all came back normal. YAY!

But I am still in Pain and I still have no idea what is wrong. This not knowing shit is causing my stress levels to sky rocket!

Every day, at least once a day, I keel over from the pain. I truly do not know how much more I can handle.

Today, the pain is mostly on my right side and through the right side of my lower back … WHAT! This is new. For months it has been on the left side and around the center with the odd spread to the right … Today, all day, my right side hurts (with a little center and right). What did I do in a past life to deserve this? I am so tired of being in pain. There is always something.

My Knees (My knees have caused me pain since I before I can remember, <5 years old)

My Back (Not as long as my knees but still many years of back pain…. upper, mid AND lower!)

My pelvic (abdomen) area (and now this)

All. The. Time.

Some days, like today, I can not concentrate on anything other than the pain. It hurts. I am trying to work and cannot even think. I try to drive and find it difficult to focus on the road. I try to sleep and cannot. I cannot do much

I am still waiting for the gynecologist call for an appointment. That is correct; 2 ish months and still not even a call to say here is your appointment. For F@#$ sake.

I need to get in there soon for 2 reasons really: I need to figure out what the hell is wrong, but I also have no birth control at the moment as my IUD was removed… I may need that back soon (or NOW would be nice) .. well maybe not that exact one …

Microsoft's Confused Face

… Stay tuned …

Single mom Vs. “Single” mom

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Single Mom (or dad … Note: I will use mom, but it’s context will actually mean any parent, I am not being sexist or whatever you want to call it this week, I am only using it in this way as I am a single MOM) = Mom who is raising the child independently. The Father (AGAIN NOTE: I am only using father/dad to differentiate, this could in fact be either parent, so don’t go getting your panties in a bunch) is not in the child’s life, does not help financially, emotionally, mentally or physically with the child’s upbringing whether due to death, or because they are a “deadbeat” etc. A single parent is the sole provider for the child.

Note: A single mom is NOT one who does not allow the father to see the child. A single mom is NOT one who pushes an “actual” willing father away. 

“Single” Mom = A mom who happens to be single. A mom who has the assistance of the father to help with the upbringing of the child but the parents are not together.

“Wilful single mom” I believe the mother who does not allow the father access would fit in this category.

Note: If a GOOD man who is ACTUALLY willing to be in his child’s life and help out in any way he can and be unselfish by always putting that child first and the mother does not allow it, she is an evil C^#% and is ruining her child’s life. I HATE these women. I will discuss this more later …

So here is my situation. I am a single mom. I was lucky enough when my daughter was a toddler to have assistance from some family and friends. NOT her father. (if you read my previous posts Let me get this straight and The battle today … should she get the response or should she be ignored? you will get a bit of background).

Note: Kyia’s father is the worst kind of deadbeat piece of shit. Why? Because he uses her for his convenience. He shows up after months of no contact, usually to impress someone. He is not in her life, but he shows up enough to confuse and hurt her. He treats his daughter like shit, avoids support payments, lies and manipulates and then tries to make it look like it is all me. Let me do a sum up … if I can. He refuses to see her for years unless it is convenient for him, he uses her, for example, to impress a girl; he will take kyia for a sleepover, Or to make this girl feel sorry for him; he will ask me if he can take Kyia on a day he KNOWS we have plans so when I say no, he can say “see she won’t let me see my daughter”. He refuses to willingly pay child support, it must be garnished from his pay check … if and when he holds a legitimate job. He has refused visitation schedules (which were more than fair). He puts guilt trips on his daughter to make HER cry and feel bad for HIS behaviour. He is one of the 3 people I truly hate (See # 15). He is what I am classifying in this blog as a pretend dad.

I could go on and on and on, but I am veering off topic. So back on track … single mom vs. “single” mom.

As an actual single mom I get very disgusted when mom’s who are “single” moms use the single mom status to get free things. They use the single mom status to use and manipulate people to get what they want. These people are despicable. Let me tell you something. As I mentioned before my above rant, I was lucky enough to have assistance from family and friends when Kyia was younger (Declan, Keira, Viona, My Mother, My aunt Lacey, My aunt Bridget on occasion, even my sister Bree, to name but a few). Because of their help I was able to go back to school and achieve a technology diploma. It was a long hard road, school, work and parenting but I did it. I was a single mom, but as I had so much love, support and help, I did not use my single mother status as a cry for help. I did not need it. (although I did state it on a couple of occasions which I may discuss another time) With that said, let’s say hypothetically that I did not have this support and I did need “outside help”; would I use my single mother status? This is where I would condone using this status, but not abusing it. As I mentioned before, I did on a couple of occasions throw my single mom status into the mix. It helped get me a scholarship to pay for my schooling. It helped in getting assistance to pay for child care while in school. The thing is (for the most part) I mentioned it. I did not request a pity party throwing every pitiful detail of my pathetic life. It was basically an “I am a single mom trying to better our lives” and then I moved on to topic.

So if you are an actual single mom and you legitimately need help every now and again, ask for it. Throw your single mom status into the mix, it works. But do NOT abuse it. Do not take and take and take. Do not expect handouts from everyone. Do not sit your ass on welfare. Do not cry for pity. Get up and do something. Accept peoples charity but only if you need it and/or are bettering yourself otherwise allow that single mom who actually needs it have it.

I am going to go back to what I will call the “wilful single mom”. I hate this woman! If there is a father who truly (I stress the word truly to rule out the pretend dads from this category) wants to be in his child’s life and you are refusing him access you are the lowest of the low. You are that dreaded “C word” most women hate … yes, you are a Cunt. Now keep in mind I am not referring to women who are hiding their child from an abusive man for the safety of their child (or for some LEGITIMATE reason… smoking pot is not a legitimate reason, smoking crack daily in the presence of children is. Social drinking is not legitimate, falling down drunk daily in the presence of children is. He cheated on you is not a legitimate reason, cheated on you with a child (pedophilia) is. Do you see where I am going with this), I am talking about that skank, who out of spite, keeps the child away from the loving father. The woman who will do whatever it takes to hurt the man who left her crazy ass. The woman who uses her child to cause pain and agony to a devoted dad. Do NOT call yourself a single mom if you are this evil shrew. You are not a single mom because you have a second parent willing to be in the life of his child. You have a second parent who is willing to support his child. You have a second parent who is willing to love his child. You are nothing. Just so you know … what is just as bad as this cunt is the piece of shit who PRETENDS (to others) to be that devoted dad. I despise this “pretend dad” too. But this is another topic all together.

Now onto the “single” mom. Just because you and the father are split up does not make you a single mom. If the father is part of the child’s life and upbringing, stop using this status. You do not get to pull the “I am a single mom, pity me” card EVER. You are a mom and you are single. Find a dating site.

I have personally known at least one person from all of these categories of each sex (meaning: I have known at least 1 single mom and single dad, “single” mom and “single” dad as well as wilful single mom and wilful single dad … as well as both the pretend dad (and a mom), the deadbeat (Mom and dad) and the loving parents in each situation) and …I forgot where I was going with that …

So to sum up.

Single mom: Single handily raising the child. Earns the right to ask for help and assistance as a single mom IF NEEDED.

“Single” mom: A mom who is not with the child’s father, but receives support in the upbringing of the child; financially, emotionally and physically. Should NEVER call herself a single mom.

Wilful single mom: Scum of the earth right there next to pretend dad. Should not even be classified as a mom.

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Can I work this like a journal? Home

Home. What is home? Until about a couple weeks ago, I thought home was where you came from and where your family is. I do not believe this any longer.

I went “Home” recently to realize that that was not my home. My family (most of them… there are exceptions to every rule, right?) is horrible and the city is trash. I hated it. That visit/vacation was the worst week I have had in a very long time. High levels stress and low levels of fun and relaxing.

I moved away with my daughter 1-2 years ago (it was a complicated, long story of a move). We ended up in this city that we enjoy just over a year ago. I have friends, Daughter has friends, we are happy. This is home now. Home is where you are happy. This is my new belief. Home is not where you are from. Home is where you are happy.