Category Archives: Depression

Failure. I feel like a failure.

Why do I feel like such a failure today? Why is today such a bad day? Why am I so depressed today?

Let me start with a little back history for any noobs who are not aware of “me”. I am a single mother who for the last 10 + years suffers from Anxiety and for the last 2 years, progressing Depression…meaning every day seems a little worse.  My daughter’s father is a lying, scumbag, deadbeat, abusive, alcoholic/drug addict, piece of shit. My family is filled with cunts and assholes. My childhood was shit. My adult life is shit. And well I feel like shit.

Today is a VERY bad depressing day. I literally forced myself out of bed today…twice. I really just want to go back, but for now maybe some blog therapy will help….? Doubtful, but let’s give it a go, writing it out does occasionally help so let’s see…if not maybe I will colour. It all started yesterday (actually it started WAY before that, but for the sake of this post, we will say yesterday) when Finn got an interview and was offered the job during the interview…now hold on to your judgement… back up a tiny bit with a sum up, Finn was laid off 8 months ago. In the last 8 months he applied for ONE fucking job (Actually I think there may have been a second one that I harassed him into applying for), got an interview and the job. I spent every goddamn day (well every weekday and occasional weekend days) for the last 7 months looking through thousands of postings, going to/cold calling dozens of companies, applying for HUNDREDS of jobs and attending dozens of interviews and job fairs. So yes, despite my happiness that Finn is finally getting off his lazy ass, I am resentful and bitter that I work so hard and he does next to nothing. No, I shouldn’t be and I try to fight it and hide it but this is what depression AND anxiety does to a person. All I can think about is how un-fucking-fair this is. “They” say good things happen to good people… Well Fuck “them”, fucking liars. When the fuck is my “good” going to happen? I do good deeds ALL the time, Despite (currently) being classified as poor, I still give to charities and those in need, I am kind to people, despite not liking people very much, I care WAY too much. I help people even after they lie to me, abuse me, cheat on me, betray me and/or hurt me. I often go without so others have. Yet, here I am, a 40 year old fucking failure who can’t get nor keep a fucking job despite being, hard working, reliable, honest, punctual, ethical and intelligent…? (Maybe I am not that smart, maybe I am getting dumber by the fucking day, that sure is how I feel lately) and whose daughter is a selfish, ungrateful, materialistic, entitled, spoiled brat. And that brings me to today’s set off.

I had a little vent with Kyia this morning, after a horrible sleep due to “someone’s” tossing and turning and alarm at 4am (Because you know, when one needs to be a 30 minute drive away at 7 one must get up at 4… asshole). I was a bit cranky and I made a complaint about Finn not only not applying for the better paying job that I pointed out to him a couple days ago but also not even looking into it (Double pay compared to the job he just took, also better job with better company). So after that mini rant Kyia started her own (very teenage snotty) rant about Finn better apply for the other job because she is tired of being poor…Wait… what the fuck. You need to understand that while we are FAR from rich, and are actually what one might consider “poor” (at the moment, I have had some good jobs over the years, but right now I am on EI) we get by with NO help and I make sure that we live as if Finn’s income doesn’t exist, without him, we can live as we are now. (Because I swore when My own sister fucked me over that I would NEVER rely on anyone or anything again … I know, kind of petty but you don’t understand how horribly I have been hurt, betrayed and ripped off by my own family…over and over…So no one ever again will have me in any kind of state of dependence and invulnerability). My daughter gets everything she needs and almost everything she wants (which granted, has been a bit less the past few months). Despite being on EI for the better (worst?) part of the last 2 years (wait before I start this list, remember that a lot of this was purchased while I was working in decent jobs and with savings and such. Don’t you dare judge me and what I spend MY money on!!). Her entire wardrobe is Lulu Lemon, Bench, Nike, Roots, Converse, Thrasher, Brandy Melville, Pink etc… you get the point, all expensive name brands. She has her own custom built computer in her room she has a brand new phone, an ipod and TWO UE Mega-booms!! She HAD 2 tablets but destroyed them with her destructively jamming in the charger this also happened with 2 of her phones and yet although I refused to replace the tablet the second time, She always manages to get a new phone. She goes to ALL of her school events, which ALWAYS cost money, I buy her a monthly bus pass so she can attend the school her friends go to which is not in our district, I bought her hundreds of dollars of art supplies because she wanted it and she never touched it (this has actually happened with many “fad” things! …We have a Wii U so she could play Zelda and wii-fit, she doesn’t touch it, and an Atari – the new one with 101 games pre-loaded, because she wanted it to play frogger, she hasn’t touched it). I drive her all over hells creation because her 2 best friends live 20 minute drive away from us … in opposite directions!! I give her money whenever she needs it and almost always when she asks. Our fridge and cupboards are ALWAYS filled with food, good fresh food. She has her own space heater in her room in case she gets cold and that’s just the tip of the iceberg. FFS. So I snapped at her, I actually forget exactly what I said but it was something like “I am sorry if this life I have fought to provide isn’t good enough for you, but too goddamn bad!”

She had the fucking nerve to continue with “but I haven’t got anything new in a long time” … Christmas which brought in THOUSANDS of dollars in new clothes was less than 5 months ago!!! AND EASTER was just last fucking month (granted, Easter is a lot smaller, she did get new “roots” shorts and socks and the Atari)!! I lost it! I yelled. I literally yelled at her. Sure I raise my voice at her at times, but yelling is a rarity. I was so fucking mad that I called her selfish, I called her ungrateful, I called her selfish again, I called her materialistic and I called her selfish again. I freaked. And when I realized that my parenting skills of trying to raise a kind, thoughtful, Grateful, appreciative, daughter failed, I stormed off into my room, slammed the door and stayed in there crying for hours. I didn’t even walk her to the door when she left for school. I didn’t give her a hug and kiss goodbye. And I didn’t tell her I love her. I sat in my room and cried. I cried in disappointment, I cried in failure, I cried in depression. And then of course I started thinking about all the things that make me a failure and I cried some more. Of course it is my fault. I go without so that she can still have this stuff. I go without so she can have her lulu lemon tights, and roots jogging pants. I go without so she can have her Pink sweaters and Brandy Melville shirts. I go without so she can take the bus to the school she wants. I go without so she can get drives to her friends. I go without so she can have a phone. Maybe I gave her too much. Maybe I spoiled her too much. Now all that matters is her and her stuff. I spent the last 13 years suffering through hellish stressful days and shitty jobs. Suffered immensely just for her to become selfish and ungrateful. I did this. I can’t even express my disappointment in both her and myself. I can’t even express my hurt. I know she is only 13 but she watches me struggle every day and still throws being poor in my face. I can’t even. I just can’t. Because I am not depressed enough and I apparently don’t feel bad enough about myself and I don’t feel useless enough. I have never been so disappointed in my fucking life. I sit in my room and cry because I thought I raised her better. Guess not. I guess all my efforts have failed. Failed. Just like me.

So what do I do now? Is there still time to save her from becoming this person, this selfish and ungrateful bitch (NO, I am not calling my daughter a bitch, dumbass, I am asking how to stop her from becoming one!). Do I clean out her room, taking away everything that she holds dear, all of her expensive “stuff” INCLUDING her clothes and phone? Maybe ONLY shop at Wal-Mart and Value Village. Shall I give her the worst Christmas and Birthdays ever by giving her nothing? Grading present? NOPE! Shall we not go see another movie or not another meal out? Shall I transfer her to the school in our district so she can walk or take the school bus and miss all of her friends? Shall I make her live off of shitty ass cheap food? Corn flakes, Kraft dinner, Mr. Noodles and hot dogs EVERY day? No more drives. Anywhere. No more comping trips or day trips. What? There is a new “item” she wants. NO! FFS. How does a depressed parent, who can barely get out of bed teach a 13 year old to be appreciative … especially when the depressed parent feels like she has nothing to be grateful for most days …

 

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It is not Job hunting, It is Job Begging

Looking for a job while the market is down is one of the most frustrating things I’ve done.

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EVERY day (well mon-fri, I take the weekends off!) I spend anywhere from 2 to 10 hours (usually 4-5 hours) searching and searching for work. I hunt through Indeed, Workopolis, Glass door, the JobBank, Monster, Recruiter sites as well as a few company specific sites (I have a “watch list” of specific companies that I think would suit me perfectly and I check in on them regularly). I have literally applied for hundreds of jobs over the last 6 to 18 months … that’s a big spread, maybe I should explain …

In Oct 2015 (18 months ago) I was laid off due to the slump in the economy, the bust part of the boom and bust cycle. Although I had some issues with my micromanaging, spying, arrogant manager, I loved everyone and everything else about my job. It broke my heart to be leaving my “Dream Job”. I spent the next 6 months going through the job searching process until I landed a job at (the corrupt) JOBHP in May 2016 … which after only 2 days, I discovered was a HORRIBLE place to work.

 

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I immediately carried on my job search, but as I had a job, as despicable as it was, I was a little more picky in my hunt. In Oct 2016, I was fired before my probation period was over… Sum up … I was better at my job than the spoiled favourite, she didn’t like me because of it, I was called into HR as a witness to a harassment case being investigated on my immediate manager, interviewed by the HR personnel who is of course her (the manager’s) FRIEND, and I told the truth about the abuse suffered by ALL from that bitch manager, then (a couple weeks after the HR thing) my grandmother passed away and I took an APPROVED leave to go “home” for 2 weeks. 3 days after I returned from my grievance leave, I was fired….You can read a longer version here

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Picture Found here

Thanks to JOBHP, my Anxiety went through the roof and thanks to 18 months of job searching, 13 of which I spent unemployed, Depression set in…I hide it, but it is there. Every minute of every day … Do you know how hard it is to get out of bed to get ready for an interview while depressed? Do you know how hard it is to be in an interview while in a depression? Do you know how hard it is AFTER the interview with Anxiety? Hard, Harder, Hardest.

So, back on point, I have literally applied for hundreds of jobs over the last 6 to 18 months, I have been on dozens of interviews including 3 with companies on my “watch list”. I fail. Over and over I fail. I am so nervous in my interviews that I end up bombing them (that bombing means to fail miserably, to not do well, to lose … not literal “bombing”, for fuck sake, you morons). I actually had a small handful of interviews that I thought went amazing…but still got the big … “yeah, sorry, your not what we are looking for”. You know, I actually had one process that carried on for 3 months, all the while being told repeatedly that they were very interested in me but had a few more interviews scheduled, just to be told in the end that they decided to not hire anyone, because no one “fit their criteria” ….What the actual fuck! “Dance little puppet, dance!” And that is ALWAYS the response…you didn’t fit our criteria, you don’t have enough experience. Here is some advice Employers … STOP FUCKING LYING TO US!!! We can not improve ourselves with no information on what we need to improve. If you wanted me to literally beg for that position then fucking tell me. If I was too jittery in the interview (due to nervousness, not heroin withdrawal!) then tell me that. Maybe you thought I wasn’t prepared because I was so nervous, say it! Maybe you just didn’t think my personality would fit in with your “stick up their ass” employees, Say so! Not enough experience in a certain area, point it out. Be more specific, “you don’t meet our criteria” is not a fucking reason, it is a cop-out …because if I didn’t meet your criteria…why did you call me in for an interview??? depression(As a side note … in all the interviews I have gone to, one actually gave me legit feedback. It was nice…well as nice as constructive criticism can be. lol. But I truly appreciated it.)

So seriously, I think they want you to get on your fucking knees and beg. “I want this job more than anyone else, please, please, please, pick me, I will do anything, see I am on my knees …..”. Seriously. Like they say “it’s not who you know, it’s who you ….”