Category Archives: Feelings

Still in Mourning – RIP Nanny

Every day my heart aches missing you, but some days are worse than others.  On New Years Eve I think about the one New Year’s Eve that we shared a pina colada before I went out. I had never seen you with a drink (that is ok, I drank enough back then for both of us), but when I walked in with Pina Colada coolers and you looked at them longingly and said “Oh, I used to love pina coladas” how could I not offer you one. Sharing that coconut and pineapple flavoured drink with my Nanny made my night. I was late for my party and I did not care. Drinking was (sadly) my thing in those days and you took a moment to share that with me. Sitting across the table from you, watching you enjoy that Pina colada, savouring every sip, while you shared stories of your life was so heartening. I bragged to my friends all night. How could I not, you were their Nanny too. They all knew how much you meant to me, and to be able to tell them we shared a drink was one of my proudest moments.

Every Easter season is impossible not to miss you, I see those carrot shaped, all orange, Reese’s pieces and nearly cry (and sometimes do). The smile on your face every Easter morning when you woke up to your white bunny and those Reese’s pieces that you loved so much. I loved playing the Easter Bunny for you after the millions of things you did for me. Nothing made me happier than making you smile. You always made sure my Easter was awesome with your little scavenger hunts to find our treats, drawing little pictures to find the next clue. The least I could do was make sure you had your second favourite candy.

Mother’s day kills me because no one was more of a mother to me than you. I have had a handful of strong women assist in my upbringing, but none compare to you. No matter how hard life got and how homeless I became, you were ALWAYS there to bring me in and help put my pieces back together. You were always there to listen to my many problems. You were always there to set me straight. You were always there to give advise and always there to give comfort. I tried so hard to make you happy on Mothers days. Spearmint leaves, pink sweaters, sappy cards, my time. But I could never top the year we got you a trip to Montreal to see Shirley and Andre Rieu. I remember your face like it was yesterday; the shock, the disbelief, and even the denial, and then the happiness and love. I couldn’t have arranged a better gift without putting Mr. Darcy in the seat next to you. Kyia and I will spend today watching your Mr. Darcy in your memory.

Thanksgiving. There is no one I have ever been more thankful for (until Kyia came along and even then, you were so close in second place, we might as well call it a tie). What is Thanksgiving without you? It is hard to give thanks when the person you are most thankful for is gone. I miss spending the day with you and our crazy ass family. I miss your Turkeys. I miss your mashed potatoes. I miss your Gravy. I even miss your can of cold peas. You always thought your meals were just OK, but Nanny I wasn’t lying when I told you how delicious they were. I can still taste every delectable detail. The mushy carrots and the homemade tart cranberry sauce. Remember the year we had that processed turkey made by my sister… the whole meal was a disaster, dry turkey, over creamed potatoes and so-on, but we ate it anyway. You refused to complain despite everyone else’s complaining and bitching. You were better than that. You were better than all of us. But it was a pretty good laugh later.

Nanny

Your birthday is a really tough one because it is the one day that is all about you. It is the one day where, this year you should be 86. It is the day that this world was gifted with the most kind, beautiful, funny and forgiving person I have ever known.  It is the one day that white cake is on the menu … white Sobeys cake. (Unfortunately I will not be able to partake in the cake this year with my newly discovered gluten intolerance…but Kyia will have some).

Christmas is family time and I miss spending it with you. Your heart being so thoughtful, you always made dinner early so that everyone had time to go to visit other family. Not having any of your Christmas ornaments that you made tears at my heart. Never again being able to wake up with your tree to admire leaves me grief-stricken. But Christmas is most hard because I was planning to come home for Christmas last year. I was planning to come home to see you. We were going to surprise you and show up Christmas morning to be by your side and make your holiday season bright. We had gifts and plans and held onto so much excitement. But that didn’t happen… Now with one grandmother who passed away just 2 days before Christmas, and one who touched my heart like no other gone…Christmas just doesn’t seem right. Sure I fight my way through it for Kyia’s sake, but really I don’t even want to get out of bed. Last year it took everything in my power to decorate and pretend to be happy. I am sure this year will be much of the same.

There are so many days, sites, circumstances, events and items that make me think of you and cry, but nothing hits harder than today. Today tears fill my eyes and I cannot control the flow, the anniversary of your death. 1 year ago today my phone rang around 5 am, waking me up from a deep sleep. It was my mother. My heart sank. I knew. I just knew. Why else would she call me at 5 am on a Saturday. I grabbed my phone, got out of bed and left my room. I shut my bedroom door as to not disturb Finn with the call. I took the first step on the stairs, my heart sank and my body shook, as I answered the call knowing what was coming, but hoping it was something else. I heard her cries, her sniffles and hysterical sobbing, I still hoped. Then her words went threw me like a knife. “Mom died…” I am sure my heart stopped momentarily as I dropped to the floor. There was nothing I could do. My body just stopped working. My mind faded and there was suddenly a waterfall of tears making their way down my cheeks. Mother continued talking, but I was in a fog. I heard and understood nothing after those first 2 words. My whole person was numb. My insides were tearing apart and my outsides were soaked with tears. Realizing that I will never again see your silly smile. I will never again hear your kind words. I will never again feel your unconditional love. My heart and soul held more pain than I ever thought possible. I wanted to wake up from this horrific nightmare … I still do.

I thought about sharing my favourite memory here, but I can not narrow it down to just one. 40 years of memories were made and they all hold an important place deep in my heart; like the time you used the term “deadly” or the time you told me the story of the cast iron frying pan you threw at Grampy or the many summers we spent in Maces Bay walking along the beach collecting beach glass or golden grove picking berries or the Owl clock I made for you in shop class or the games of Aggravation Rummy where you always kicked my ass or the the time I ran away from home and you told me that I always had a safe place to go and that you would always be here if I needed you. well I need you, Nanny. I always need you. Every time I remember you, I smile at the memory and then cry in anguish from missing you so very much. My heart fills with warmth and then falls to pieces. The saddest part of all is … with you gone, who is supposed to help me put the pieces back together…

You were my Grandmother, my mother, my rock, my stability, my conscience, my friend and I miss you so very much. I don’t know how long it will take to heal, to feel better, for it not to hurt … but 1 year is not the number. I hope you are resting peacefully. Nanny. I love you.

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First Boyfriends and the Panicked Mom.

So Kyia has her first boyfriend … How the fuck do I deal with this!!! My mind is scattered all over the place with this one. Inside I am freaking-the-fuck-out!! Outside, I am playing the cool mom whom Kyia can tell everything to … It is killing me!!So lets go over some points …

I was a teen girl once, but at 13 I had no boyfriends and little interest in the idiots I went to school with…seriously, one or 2 of them WERE cute, I suppose… BUT Assholes and Morons!! Sure I had crushes on “celebrities” like Jon Bon Jovi, Jason Bateman, Charlie Schlatter and “Bo Duke” (John Schneider) also …. ummm … well …*cough**cough* Jon Knight *cough**cough* and maybe *cough**cough* *cough**cough* Wil *cough**cough* Wheaton *cough**cough*  But, Well, Believe it or not, as the saying goes … “sweet 16 and never been kissed”. I was actually 16 when I had my first “real” boyfriend and my first kiss and lost my virginity (I say “real” because I had a boyfriend named Jimmy when I was 4 or 5 that probably lasted like a day. And I actually had a Boyfriend at 14 … but I literally said yes to this dip-shit just to get him to leave me alone. *Eyeroll* He bugged me and asked me to be his girlfriend over and over and I repeatedly told him “no” over and over until I finally said FINE! We lasted 3 days… when we went swimming and he pushed my, unable to swim, little sister into the deep end of the pool … I dumped him and threatened him that if I ever saw him again, I would beat the shit out of him … I never saw him again…I was a little “rough around the edges” and tough as nails with a temper that would scare Satan when I was younger. LOL). So back on point, I went fast, or so I think I did, now… I had my first boyfriend and first kiss, 6 months later we broke up and I got my second boyfriend and just over a month together, I lost my virginity … Terrifying! But this plays in my mind, this and KNOWING how boys think and what they think about … *shudder*  Despite still being a girl and having girly thoughts and feelings (that I hid) I grew up, kind of “tomboy-ish”. I have always been “one of the boys” I relate better with the guys… frilly, prissy, catty chicks piss me the fuck off!  Being “one of the boys” allowed the guys to speak freely around me… so yes, I KNOW how and what they think. Anyhoo…As a teen girl, if my mother told me no … well I did it out of spite. My mother said I can’t hang out with a certain person? I would do it more. My mother said I can’t go out? I jumped out my bedroom window. I know better than to pull the “Your too young for a boyfriend” crap … that will make her want it more! So ….

I play the cool mom. Kyia informed me of her crush a couple of months ago, and she told me as soon as he asked her out (about 3 weeks ago). She told me when he tried to kiss her (a few times) and how she dodged it and she told me when she did finally let him kiss her (last weekend!!)…I died inside, just sayin…She trusts me enough to tell me these things. Why? Because, despite the fucking devastating bomb that just detonated in my guts I hold it together and smile and talk to her about it…or just smile and say something nice … depending on both of our moods. She trusts that I am not going to tell the whole planet about them. She trusts that I am not going to tease and ridicule her (much). She trusts that I am going to be there for her. She KNOWS that I am her best friend … no matter how much she pretends it is the other kids… lol. She knows. She trusts. I listen. I respect.

My insides are going to cause a nuclear meltdown. I mean seriously … I suffer from Anxiety, occasional Depression (which is currently “on”), a little OCD and over-protectiveness …. and My baby girl has her first boyfriend!!! PANIC ATTACK in effect!! The emotions and thoughts are running rampant! Kissing, Sex, Heartache, STD’s, PREGNANCY!! OMG OMG OMG, Breathe!! Breathe!! A woman I used to work with has a 15 year old daughter who just had a baby … that is fucking retarded!!! When I was a teenager, A girl I knew who was 12, TWELVE, got pregnant! Jesus Christ! 12 and 15 years old, That IS a baby!! AIDS… need I say more! And for fucks sake what am I going to do when her heart is broken …although I do have LOTS of experience here since her dad has been breaking her heart for 13 fucking years ..fucking scum bag piece of shit dead beat…. but seriously … I know I “look” like I am holding it all together, but I am not. I want to tell her “NO dating until you are 16 (or 40)!” I want to scare that boy away! I want to ground her for life and move to a secluded island where there are no boys! I want to cry!!! There is so much responsibility that comes with boyfriends, love and sex. there is so much danger in it if one is not mature enough and or prepared. AND in this day and age, parents should be DRILLING information and facts on Sex, Pregnancy and STDs into their teenagers heads! Scare the shit out of the little bastards so that they will never have sex … hey! A mom can dream!! This is NOT the earlier 1900s when talking sex is Taboo … TALK TO YOUR FUCKING KIDS!!! Yes, it is awkward and uncomfortable, but I talk to Kyia about her menstrual period, boys, sex, STDs, Pregnancy, drugs and so-on. We both hate it, yes, but I want her informed. So we talk … sometimes too much … she gets so annoyed when I go on and on and on …. Hell sometimes I annoy myself! lol… So I “try” to have these talks in small doses, when a topic arises. Have we had all of “the” talks? No not yet, but she is 13 and we are starting them….also I need time to mentally prepare ME for these talks! THIS on top of the teenage “attitude… I think I am going to die!

The Boy … Kyia had him over this weekend. They hung out all day and we brought them out to Dinner. I drilled him with Questions…nothing too crazy… what do you like to do? got brothers or sisters? pets? You know, those type questions … they may get more “difficult” with each visit… muahahahaha! He SEEMS like a pretty good kid. He is Athletic, Plays (and is apparently fairly obsessed with) Basketball. He plays for the school and (I think) for a city team and he watches the NBA and he plays video game basketball. He is quiet and a little shy. He is in Band. He “used to” play World of Warcraft. He played D&D once. He lives with his dad. He seems smart. The boy has a nerdy side (BONUS!). But … His preferred music Genre is Rap… could he pick a worse (IMO) Genre… fak…Well everyone has flaws I guess. He talks more quietly than Kyia. He is too shy (and indecisive) to make a decision. They took a trip to the park for a couple hours and we had our dinner trip, but other than that, they hung out in her room most of the day…with the door WIDE open and Momma “passing by” randomly. I caught him attempting a kiss at one point and went right in the room and sat my ass down… both of them bright red … I sat there for a good 10-15 minutes just “chatting” away. I didn’t know how to react. I wanted to grab him by the scruff of the neck and throw him out the window…or through the wall! But instead, I calmly interrupted his attempt and sat down to continue the interruption. NO Kissing in my presence!! NO Kissing in my house!! I know they have kissed (now keep in mind this is 13 year old kissing… pecks on the lips) and I am not going to ground her over it, but I do NOT condone it. I do NOT approve of it. She is my Baby!!!

rules

What I am doing … reading, researching and communicating…also breathing, a lot of calming deep breaths and crying… a lot of very emotional cries … I recently had someone (a couple someones actually)  tell me, Just tell her not to do it. She is too young, do not allow it. But realistically … She is 13. Boys are a part of her life. Teenage attitude, especially if she is anything like her mom, can be very spiteful. So it is MY opinion that in MY circumstance,  MY parenting for this is to make sure she is informed. To make sure they always have a chaperone (of sorts) even if it is a group of friends. But to do that I need to inform myself so….

I bought this baby from chapters a few days ago: Parenting a Teen Girl: A Crash Course on Conflict, Communication and Connection with Your Teenage Daughter

and this one I bought the same day from Audible – the audio format to listen to in the car: Smart but Scattered Teens: The “Executive Skills” Program for Helping Teens Reach Their Potential

and I think this one is next … but for the 2 of us to go over together: Being a Teen: Everything Teen Girls & Boys Should Know About Relationships, Sex, Love, Health, Identity & More

I will get through this. I will get through this. I WILL get through this.

 

 

 

 

Welcome to my Nerdfest!!

I am a Nerd. I am also a geek. And pretty Dorky. I know it. I accept it. I love it. I own it.

…AND The Calgary Comic Expo starts tomorrow!! So what better than a nerdy blog post to wind up!!

I obsess. I really obsess over some things. My newest and current big obsession is Dungeons and Dragons! How did I not play this years ago!! So much fun … Ok I will get into that in a minute. I obsess over some of the typical nerdy things, TV shows, games, movies, and occasionally some nerdy science related shit…i8sumpipiLike π … who doesn’t fucking love Pi(e)!!! It is so functional and delicious. You can’t determine the size of your pie without Pi. I mean really 3.14159265359…what a beautiful number. We still have not found the end of Pi, I mean we are talking TRILLIONS of places and still no end in sight, it is astonishing really … Right, Obsessing. But there is some “Typical” nerdy shit that I don’t care for … for example, Not a huge Harry Potter Fan… *Cowers* don’t hurt me! The movies were ok and the books were good, but not obsess worthy to me. Star Treks … Love TNG and Enterprise and some of the movies ….but the original, DS9 and Voyager… not my cup of tea … oh Tea, I love tea. A nice cup of tea while reading is so delightful … off topic, oops. Comic Books. Don’t like em. Minecraft … Ulgh. I guess those are the big ones that have actually had people spew “You don’t like ‘that’! You are not a true nerd!”…Seriously. Judgemental fucks.

I don’t really consider myself a “gamer” … but I probably am. I mean I love games, but I am pretty picky I think. There are so many games (video and board) that I really can’t get into, just not my thing …those would mostly be war/shooting games typically. I like board games, but so few are 2 player (For me and my daughter to play…Finn is usually too fucking busy on his computer watching stupid Youtube videos … no no really…flat earth stupid). If I had to pick a fav board game … Nope, cannot pick just one. I am not a huge monopoly fan, BUT I own Princess Brideopoly! So that is a top of the list pick along with Dixit, Scattergories, Flipping Out and Supernatural Clue which was one of my favourite birthday gifts from my Kyia and my Finn. They know me so well. And adult time brings everyone’s new fav – Cards against Humanity. I love a couple of the old GaldraeAtari games…Space Invaders and Yars Revenge!! My favs!! ♥ So much so that I bought a “new” Atari console with 101 games … just for those 2! I used to play Evony, and I miss Lord of Ultima so very much. I occasionally play the Wii that I spent a small fortune on when it first came out. When I do, it is usually Lego Star Wars or Zelda: Twilight Princess.  I am “For the Horde” in World of Warcraft and always play a caster. I am no good with melee, and well…. MAGIC!!!  My 2 mains (Favs) are a Troll Warlock and a Blood Elf Mage…I even played back when it was just Warcraft! D&D, my current obsession as I mentioned above needs a whole paragraph to itself …

D&D = LOVE!!!DnD
Love playing, love watching, love learning, love buying, love making … fucking love it all!! Wizard. That is my thing. I am trying out all of the magical characters… but Wizard! I was only introduced to D&D in January …Seriously, 3-4 months ago!! How have I been deprived for so long!?! I quickly joined a (second) D&D group to play and may indulge in another for a weekly weeknight adventure. I bought books, modules, novels, miniatures, dice, more dice (I am now obsessed with Dice), I made a battlemat (it’s rough, but it works), I create characters like it is my fricking job, I even started DMing an adventure (thanks Matt Mercer, you are my inspiration for that one) … Not sure I like DMing though, but I fucking love playing!! I started looking on you tube for D&D how to’s, tips, and such… then I fell upon Heaven *Cue heavenly music*…CRCritical Role!!!! I saw Felecia Day on an episode of this D&D thing and seeing how I adore Felicia, The Grand Fucking Dutchess of Nerds, I thought I would give it a looksee ….OMFG! The best looking and most talented fucking group of nerds I have ever seen. Playing D&D. Online. Live. Weekly. And they are voice actors, so their role playing is fucking amazing! I am in awe with each episode. It is the Nerd soap opera I have been waiting for. I laugh, I cry, I sit on the edge of my seat, and occasionally I drool. (I have a huge ass crush on Matt Mercer, and a bit of a crush on Liam O’Brien, but they are all decent looking and uber nerdy!!). fi_CR2I mean come on… LOOK AT THEM!

What Nerd/Geek doesn’t have a long ass list of TV shows and movies that they obsess over … I don’t want to sit here for 1528 hours typing out all the shit I love … So just some of the, well…obsessions. PRINCESS BRIDE!!! the-princess-bride-poster.jpgBest fucking movie ever made. Ever. I could literally watch multiple times every day…or act it out if you prefer. AND Wallace Shawn will be at the Calgary Expo this year…So fucking excited!!! Oh you know I have my photo op booked! Inconceivable! OK what else …Labyrinth, Goonies, A Knight’s Tale,  Boondock Saints, Percy Jackson movies, Wrath and Clash of the Titans, Monty Python and the holy Grail… and well, Monty Python, Immortals, Divergent Series, Willow, Evil Dead Trilogy, all the Lord of the rings, all of the Hobbits, all the marvel superhero movies!! …wait except the Amazing spiderman movies… I hated those 2, so very disappointing. But Thor, cum on now…drool and swoon. Serenity is another, and oh how could I forget the Star Wars’ and Star Treks …but not the original Star treks… ick, I guess that’s as good of a lead into TV shows as any… So many TV shows. I guess I better start with Star Trek … As I have mentioned before, TNG and Enterprise, that is it. Janeway’s (spelling?) voice makes me want to punch her in the face and gouge out my ears and DS9 is just meh. EASY! It’s just my opinion. No, I am not a full-fledged “Trekki” but I know (most of) the characters and do fucking love TNG, likely because I have a weird crush on Jean-Luc Picard and I LOVE Enterprise! supernatural-dl-2I, like many women, obsess over supernatural and all of its hotness. My Favs… Charlie and Crowley. There is of course the show everyone is crazy over… No not Walking Dead! Have no interest in watching that one. Yeah yeah, “but it is so good!” “But Jeffery Dean Morgan is in it now” “But NORMAN REEDUS!!”but this and but that, but nothing. I don’t want to watch it. Whether it is because Zombie shows do not interest me, because the hype is too big or just that I have too fricking many shows that I am watching… just let it go. I meant that OTHER show that everyone is crazy about, Game of Thrones!! George R. R. Martin is one sadistic dude. It is fucking Awesome!! I also so fucking love Reign and the Tudors and pretty much anything medieval (ISH) CR1you put in front of me…maybe that is why I fell so hard in love with D&D? There is also the IT crowd, Big Bang theory, Arrow, Legends of Tomorrow, X-files, Firefly, and my sad it is over, but even more sad that the ending SUCKED, guilty pleasure, Vampire Diaries. Also, Critical Role!!
Yes, I did have to throw that in there!!

I do love to read and wish I had more time to read even more….but comics, not my thing. Although I am not a “comic book nerd” I have loved Stan Lee from the moment I knew he was the creator of Spiderman!! spideyAt 5 years old, I was determined that I was going to marry Spiderman. Not Peter Parker. Spiderman. He is my man. I remember moving into a new apartment (I was 4 or 5 ish). My mother made sure the TV came in first. Stuck it on the floor, plopped me in front of it, put on an episode of Spiderman and I did not move…They were free to unload without having to worry about me… I was with my boyfriend. At last years Comic expo I finally got to meet the man who had been an idol (and obsession) to me for as long as I can remember. I got my pic taken with Stan Lee and his Autograph. I unfortunately missed his Panel due to an illness and a trip to the hospital. Also, my dream of meeting Stan Lee was not as exciting as I wanted/expected it to be, thanks to travelling around the expo with Mr. Cranky pants and Miss Sicky Girl (guess who is ditching those 2 this year… That’s right, this girl!!). It was devastating because he announced that this would be his last visit to Canada … and my experience was less than par … don’t get me wrong, still the most exciting moments of my fucking life… but not what they should have been. Well when the Expo sent out the email a couple weeks ago, stating that Mr. Stan Fucking Lee was coming back, I cried. I literally cried like a little fucking baby. The tears of joy poured from my lacrimal glands. But guess what. I am going alone this time bitches!! Photo and autograph is all for me!!! (Neither of them really care, but I am going to try to rub it in anyway) …I need a new Spidey Shirt…

Yay! A new spidey shirt … I may have a problem with Nerdy T-shirts. The problem is that they cost money (Which I don’t have much of) and I want them ALL!! Teefury, Teevillian and shirtpunch are my vice. I have ordered so many shirts from their daily tees … it is just scary. Mash-up shirts are just …I just … well they are kind of … I cannot even explain the deep emotion that overwhelms my when I see a mash-up shirt of 2 things I love. I am getting teary eyed thinking about it.

I have a thing for Nerds too. I mean not gross nerds…If you are a big disgusting slob, living in your mother’s basement, haven’t showered in weeks and have week old pizza sauce stuck in the beard that has grown over the weeks of not moving from your computer chair and when you do finally get up you have to literally peel yourself from the chair …well you are not my type…and I don’t even have a type. nathan-fillion-1-sizedBut the likes of Matthew Mercer, Nathan Fillion, Jon Bon Jovi, Liam O’Brien, Vin Diesel, Johnny Galecki, and my daughter’s science teacher Mr. L, well they sure get my juices flowing…I may even have a small secret crush on Wil Wheaton… shhhhh. Oh and we can’t leave out Hugh Jackman and his handsome good looks that go lovely with his superior intelligence … I know, I know “down girl, go take a cold shower”. I can’t help it, intelligence and nerdiness just do it for me…especially if they are good looking too!! But don’t get me wrong, you don’t have to be “known” for your brains to be attractive, I am sure Jason Statham is very smart…. But who the fuck cares! My God that man oozes manliness… and that body … and Jesus, the things I would do to him … ok. Cold shower, Be right back…

OK Time to move away from the cute boys topic…Maybe I should get into my inspiration for writing this blog … Calgary-Logo-no-dateCalgary Comic Expo – Every Fucking Year….Well since I moved out this way anyway. I spend way too much money to meet, get Autographs and/or photo ops with all my fan-girl favs!! Last year there were 2 biggies! Of course the legend that is Stan Lee and JOHN FUCKING BARROWMAN!! I was ecstatic! This year is going to be just as amazing…if not more so! Stan again, Wallace Shawn, Peter Capaldi, Nathan Fillion, and Ruth Connell to name just a few! Plus I ALWAYS look forward to the vendors … they are pricy… but I don’t care!! NERD MERCH!! Last year I found an amazing vendor who made teeny tiny origami jewelry!! I am on the hunt this year for some cool D&D stuff…of course as well as all my other favourite fan-girl merch and some Birthday and Christmas gifts for my Nerdy-ass friends and family!! My excitement cannot be contained! Eeeeek … time to go start getting my shit together and ass ready. Excited!!! How jealous are you?!? :p

I hate you, Mom.

Two nights ago, Kyia and I had a huge ass daughter hates mother, mother thinks daughter is a disrespectful and ungrateful brat fight that lasted about 6 hours (well 3-4 hours of it was calmer and involved talking and discussing and compromising). We both said some hurtful things. I fucked up by bringing her deadbeat fathers name into it. 13 years of keeping my insults and hatred towards him to a minimum (in front of her) and mostly hidden came flying out. I may have slipped up and spewed about his abuse … she never knew. I always just say “we just didn’t get along” when she has asked about why we broke up or are not together. I hate myself for that (the fuck up, not the break up). I didn’t give a lot of details, but I said more than enough, more than I ever should have. She did not EVER need to know about the abuses I encountered at the “hands” of her father. I am so sorry for this. I know it did not help at all. I know. In fact there is a chance I made things worse. As a child who had a mother who spewed insults and hatred about her father, I know the resentment I feel towards it.

Back on track. During this fight Kyia glared at me with what looked like hatred in her eyes and said in her nasty hateful tone, “What exactly do you ever do for me?” First, I laughed. Really Child? Someday you will be a parent and you will know that the things a mother does for her child are unlimited. The short answer to that question is “literally everything!” The long answer is much more detailed and complex. This is what I want to talk about today.

What have I done/ do I do for my daughter?

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Well, there are the obvious things such as, I put a roof over her head, food in her belly and clothes on her back. I give her all the necessities of life. But let’s dig deeper and be clearer. I am not going to point out “everything” I do, I don’t have the time or space for that, there is just too much. I am going with what I think is important right now. Kyia, my answer to your question (FYI, before you get all high and mighty and self-righteous, this is the answer that she won’t be actually getting …at least not the “your father is an abhorrent dick ones).

I left your father for you. He was a violent alcoholic, a liar and a cheater. He was possessive and controlling. He was an abusive scumbag. He was mentally, emotionally and sexually abusive. He was on his way to being physically abusive, it was only a matter of time. I had my bags packed and was making plans to leave when I found out I was pregnant. Being raised without a father, I decided to stay a bit longer to try and work things out. I hoped that the idea of being a father would make him a better person…it works this way with most people… not with him. He did not get better, he actually started to get worse. So after about 3 months, to protect you from his abuse, I left. I moved across Canada to be surrounded by loved ones. You gave me the strength to protect you. I left him for you.

I endured pregnancy and child birth for you. When discovering my pregnancy I cried for 3 days straight. Literally. Barely slept, barely ate. Could not stop crying. There were two reasons for this sniveling sob-fest. The first being the father. I would be stuck with this vile douche bucket for the rest of my life if I had a baby! The second, I did NOT want children. Ever. I considered my options, all of them. It took me 3 days to realize, yup, I want this child. I fell in love with you. My love for you outshined my hatred for your father and my annoyance with other people’s children. I wanted to love you, raise you and protect you. I then spent the next 8 months suffering cramps daily, nausea constantly, dizziness, pregnancy brain and extra stress. I did not have an easy pregnancy. I did not have the worst pregnancy, but it was not easy. I was not the glowing mom-to-be as a lot of pregnant women are. I was sick every fucking day. I was in pain, every fucking day. I suffered, every fucking day. I spent 36 hours in labour. During your birth I ripped. I ripped 13 stitches worth of ripping. I ended up with a UTI AND an infected tear down there. My Vagina felt like it was on fire for 6 weeks! It did not want to heal. I endured pregnancy and child birth for you.

I protect you. I protect you from your father.  If he had his way when you were an infant, he would have taken you only to show off to some chick while they were getting drunk and high while you slept, likely on a bed in which you could fall off. I made the rule that he could only “take” you IF he was with suitable supervision, His father and his father’s wife (ex now) mostly. I knew your grandfather would keep you safe. I allowed you to go there anytime they wanted you. But only if your grandfather was there. I protect you from yourself. You do some stupid things. If I let you do every little thing you “wanted” to do, spur of the moment, you would be in a casket in no time. I will not be having that. I don’t allow you to touch the fire, I do not allow you to run in front of cars, I do not allow you to jump off bridges. I do these things, not to be mean and hurt you, but to protect you. I protect you from others. I talk to you about strangers and the dangers they could impose. I teach you that when you are in trouble (or even think you are) to get help from a trusted adult (mom, police, teacher etc.). I protect you from as much as I can without putting you in bubble wrap … or at least not too much bubble wrap. I protect you.

I fight for you. I fight you. I fight your dad. I fight my anxiety. I fight myself. I do not like to fight. When we fight, it is usually because I am trying to have you behave in a more respectful manner. I do not want you to grow up to be hated by people because you are a disrespectful, hateful spoiled brat. I want you to learn that you need to treat others as you want to be treated and if you are mean, there will be repercussions. When I fight with you, I am fighting for you. I fight with your dad for you. I fight my depression and anxiety every minute of every day. It pains me to be such a worrier. It pains me that I just want to stay in bed all day. It pains me that I have no motivation. It pains me that I have no strength. But for you I fight it all. I force myself out of bed. I force myself to let you out of my sight despite the scariest imaginable thoughts racing through my head about the worst case scenarios that could happen to you. I force some fake motivation so that we can do things such as road trips or Day trips to the zoo or even a quick visit to the mall. I force the strength to be your mom. I could easily just lay in bed and let you do whatever you please, but what kind of person would you be? I need the strength to tell you no and to hold you accountable for your actions. It is a daily battle. I fight daily for you.

I take blame for you. How many times did I tell your father that you “weren’t allowed to go” when in reality you did not want to go, so he would be angry with me and not you. How many times have I told you to blame me if you need to hang up on him, to tell him I took the phone and hung up. When you wanted to leave Bree’s house, during our visit home, because “she is mean”, I said it was me who didn’t want to stay there (although that was true as well, we left because YOU did not want to stay). I take the blame when you will be the one hurt otherwise. If someone will retaliate and be angry with you, I take blame for you.

I went to school for you. I would have been content working at menial jobs for a long time and likely never would have had the ambition to further my education. But having a baby changed that. Your life is too precious to me to raise you on “welfare” or in poverty. I needed an actual education in order to support you and give you the life I never had, to give you the life you deserve. I spent 6 years struggling every day, trying to find a balance of school and home. I studied, I fought, I cried, I begged, I pleaded, I tried, I passed and I failed. It was the most difficult 6 years of my life. I went back to school for you.

I moved across Canada (again) for you. I needed a job. The whole theory of going back to school in order to get a better job to support you was destroyed in NB. Despite my graduating a very good course, work in NB is scarce. The only way I could succeed was to move where the jobs were. So we moved. I didn’t really want to, deep down, but we did. I moved for you.

I stay for you. I want to go home. I want to be near my family, friends and the support they offer. Since we moved away there have been a lot of opportunities that have opened up in the Maritimes. I want to go home. I actually don’t like it here much. I have met some nice people, made a new friend or 2, but it just isn’t working for me. But I know deep down that you are happy here. You have friends. You have more opportunity here. So, I stay for you.

I went to court for you. Your repugnant deadbeat father decided he would refuse to sign a letter allowing me to take you into the states. Not because he thought we would stay there, but just because he is a dick and would do anything to hurt me and piss me off. He told you he would send a letter so we could go to the Seattle zoo, he told me to fuck off. He refused to send one allowing me to take you to Disneyland during the only time we were financially able to do so. So I spent hours talking to councillors, I spent weeks researching, I spent days filling out paper work and I spent hundreds of dollars so I could get “legal” full custody with the travel clause (Meaning I do not need his permission to leave the country with you). I went to court for you.

I taught you and I teach you. You knew your alphabet and numbers and how to write them and your name by the time you were 3, you didn’t learn that on your own. I helped you learn how to walk. I taught you not to touch the stove (without shoving your hand on the burner like parents did in the “old days”, yikes). I am teaching you to cook. I taught you cursive. I am teaching you multiplication. I am teaching you how to memorize. I taught you to be kind. I taught you to be thoughtful. I taught you to be respectful. I taught you these things by doing them myself. When we went out at Christmas time with our little candy packs, I taught you to be giving. When I give you a toonie to give to the busker, I am teaching you to be caring (and kind and giving and empathetic and an array of other characteristics). When I told you we do not give money to people unless they are doing something (people on the street “bumming” money vs the guy with the guitar playing a song or the homeless guy trying to sing), I am teaching you that you need to work for or earn what you want. When I tell you why I am putting on my blinker, I am teaching you to drive. When I scold you for interrupting me when I am talking, I am teaching you patience and to not be rude. When I say no, I am teaching you that life will not always give you what you want. When I lecture you for being rude, I am teaching you to be respectful. By not giving you everything you ask for, I am teaching you to be grateful.  When I punish you for misbehaving, I am teaching you that there are consequences. When I hug you when you are sad, hurt or crying, I am teaching you compassion. When I make your breakfast, hug you, drive you to your friends, read to you, laugh with you and do any little thing for you, I am teaching you love. I teach you.

I punish and discipline you. You think punishment is a bad thing, but it is not. I don’t beat you or abuse you. I try to punish you to fit the “crime”. You fall behind on school work because you are too busy snapchatting friends, you lose your phone. You room is a mess after being told to clean it every day for a week, no sleepovers this weekend. Punishing you teaches you. I scold you, I lecture you and I ground you. It teaches you that you cannot do “whatever you want” It teaches you there are consequences to your actions (or lack thereof), it teaches you to not slack off and to not be an asshole. I discipline you.

I nurture, comfort and care for you. I care for you and attend to all of your needs. I promote your growth through love, discipline and hard work. When you are sick, I go to the store and get you apple juice, ice cream and chicken noodle soup. I get you blankets and serve you. I take your temperature and help you to feel more comfortable. I bring you to the doctor and hospital if necessary. When you are sad, angry or upset, I am the one sitting by your side holding you as you cry. I am the one reminding you that I am here for you and everything will be ok. I am the one who nurtures, comforts and cares for you.

I am your maid and I cook for you. I pick up after you constantly. Sure, lately I have started making you do it, but that is because you have started doing nothing. You have become lazy and began taking advantage of my “spoiling you” (for lack of a better term). But I still pick up after you a lot. I make your breakfast, lunch and dinner every day. Yes there are occasional exceptions where I may say “screw it, I am not cooking” and make everyone reheat leftovers or chomp on “snacky” stuff. There are also occasions where we eat out at a restaurant. For the most part, I cook or make all of your meals. I bake often providing you with a healthier and tastier alternative to all the junk cookies we could buy in the store. I do 90% of the chores so that you have more time for you, your studying and your friends. I cook so you eat and I clean so you do not live in filth. I clean and I cook for you.

I attend for you. Every play you act(ed) in. Every music concert you play(ed) in. Every music lesson you attend(ed). Every parent teacher meeting. Every sporting event you participate in. Every Tuesday and Thursday for Tae Kwon Do practice for 2 years. Every birthday party you have. Every hospital visit. Every playdate you enjoy. Every drop off or pick up you need. I attend all of your functions, for you.

I miss work for you. If you are sick or have a play, I miss work. I will call in “sick” to stay home and help you. I will call in sick just to have a mommy/daughter day (but only once a year…I have to keep my job, when I have one, for you too!). I will stay home to attend events and functions. But if “I” am sick, I will usually go to work. If there is a function that I want to attend, I will still go to work. I stay home from work for you.

I fuck up. I am not perfect. I try my hardest and do everything I can to mould you into a caring, kind, intelligent, loving, thoughtful young woman. I do everything I can to help you learn about and understand life. I attempt over and over to teach you lessons to survive on this god-awful planet. But I mess up. Just the other night, divulging you fathers abuse towards me, that was a fuck up. Just like when I let my emotions get the better of me and I over react. Just like when I lose my temper over “not good enough” school work. I am human and I fuck up.

I am your mom for you! I kill spiders and bugs. I open jars. I forgive. I listen. I take you shopping. I get you a drink. I fix things that won’t work (or at least I try to). I tell you stories. I find your lost things. I let you stay up late on weekends. I make sure you get to school. We go to the zoo. I feed you. I clothe you. I give you privacy. I am here. I will never leave. I bought you a bed. I clean up your vomit when you are sick. I do your laundry. I buy groceries. I make your doctor appointments. I bring you to those doctor appointments. I tuck you in. I kiss you goodnight. I walk you to the door. I changed your diapers. I stayed awake all night to keep an eye on you. I’ve bathed you. I’ve washed you. I carried you. I hug you. I play board games with you. I picked your nose. I taught you to ride a bicycle. I wake up early. I took you fishing. I held your hand. I bring you camping. I rub your head til you fall back to sleep. I remind you to brush your teeth. I potty trained you. I let you sleep in my bed when you are scared or lonely. I support you. I give you rules. I give you boundaries. I keep your secrets. I listen to you when you have pretty drama filled issues with your friends. I give you advice. I take you on vacations. I joined snapchat. I let you have snapchat. I cancel my plans to accommodate you. I go without. I save your work. I brush your hair. I pay for your entertainment. I take you to movies. I push you to be the best you can be. I breathe. There are a billion more things I could list, but the most important thing I do for you, I love you. Unconditionally.

It is daunting at times, but there is nothing I wouldn’t do for you. So, the next time you look at me with hatred and want to know what the fuck I do for you…

happy-mothers-day-2014_tp-720x551

Pray for the World – updated

Stand For Peace

While you are praying (If praying is what you do) for Paris keep in mind that while the attacks on Paris are devastating, they are not the only ones to be attacked, Please also pray for Beirut and Baghdad. While you are at it,  pray for all of the war torn countries because not everyone in Syria or Afghanistan is evil. MOST of them are innocent people trying to get away from the evil, death and corruption. OR even better start actually doing something!! Praying doesn’t do much good by itself (or at all?). DO something. Find a charity or cause you support and donate your time and/or money! I do! At the bottom of this post you will find a list of “some” “charities” you can donate to.

Baghdad. At a Funeral. Some douche bag cowardly piece of shit suicide bomber killed people attending a funeral. While family and friends mourned a loved one, a scum-bag showed up with a bomb strapped to his chest and blew up a fucking funeral killing at least 17 and injuring dozens. Seriously. Disgraceful. Attacks in Baghdad happen almost daily murdering tons of innocent civilians. Pray for them. Keep the people of Baghdad in your hearts and prayers. Stand by those innocent lives.

Beirut. Double attack. (At least) 4 sick and twisted fucktards massacred dozens and wounded hundreds in an act of terrorism. These scum of the earth bastards purposely attacked in an area filled with families and innocent people. I hope there is a hell and I hope they suffer greatly for their evil ways. Keep the people of Beirut in your hearts and prayers. Stand by those innocent lives.

Paris. Multiple locations. Low-life scum-suckers slaughtered innocent lives in at least 6 locations in Paris. A concert. A soccer game. Bars. Restaurant. None of these (at least) 120 people deserved to lose their lives. None of these hundreds of injured deserved to be hurt. Only the Idiotic Morons behind these massacres deserve this pain, agony and death (actually, death is too good for them). Keep the people of Paris in your hearts and prayers. Stand by those innocent lives.

Syria. over 4 years of war. Killing each other and innocent citizens who happen to be in the cross-fire. No wonder they are trying to escape. over 250,000 butchered and more every day. Keep the people of Syria in your hearts and prayers. Stand by those innocent lives.

Afghanistan. Always at war. Innocent Afghanistan citizens die every day (although at this point one might wonder if there are in fact any innocents left after so very many years) in this war-torn country. Keep the people of Afghanistan in your hearts and prayers. Stand by those innocent lives.

Somalia. Terrorist attacks are there too. Named the worlds most dangerous country and for good reason. Keep the people of Somalia in your hearts and prayers. Stand by those innocent lives.

These are just some of the attacks going on in some of the countries. Keep the people of the world in your hearts and prayers. Stand by all innocent lives.

Points to ponder:

Terrorism is Evil. Terrorists are nothing more than power hungry cowards. They are the lowest scum of the earth (right “down” there with paedophiles). Disgusting, useless pieces of shit.

They are trying to break our souls, don’t let them. Never be afraid of a coward!

Stand strong not afraid. The Terrorist feed on your fear. They believe fear is weakness and strike when you are weak. So stand strong and fight with your strength.

Do not let fear and lies make your decisions. Don’t give in to the fear propaganda.

Muslims are NOT the enemy. There are 1.6 BILLION Muslims on our planet, If they were all evil, there is not much we could do about it… just sayin. A very small percentage that are “Extremists”, they are the “Evil” ones … but you know what … EVERY religion and nationality and race has a small percentage of evil fucks. So stop being a racist asshole.

Terrorism has no Religion. These shits use religion as an excuse to wage war. It is bull shit. I do not care what religion you are, your “god” neither wants nor condones war. War is created by the greedy, power hungry governments. Period. End of story.

Justin Trudeau is NOT the enemy. Stop blaming the fucking attacks in Paris on JT. For Christ sake he is the PM of CANADA NOT FRANCE (nor the U.S. if you believe the US government (or the “elite families”)is behind it all, some do, some don’t)! Get over yourself. He had nothing to do with these or any attacks! Put your big girl panties on and stop crying because “your” choice for PM got booted the fuck out of office. Give JT the chance he deserves. I am NOT a “liberal supporter” but I am decent enough to give the man a chance before condemning him to “Bad PM” status. Now, Shut your traps until there is actually something to bitch about. Until then … Watch this. (Sorry, I love that video, He seems to be so much fun … and a nerd too!! I truly hope he is the leader we need).

Refugees are innocent people running away from the terrorists in their own war-torn country. Trudeau is making an attempt to help and save (some of) these innocent people. The ONLY things you are saying by sharing scare-tactic posts (and your derogatory comments towards the refugees (and Muslims and and Trudeau)) is that you are ignorant to what is actually going on, that you too are inducing unnecessary fear, you are easily falsely led by strategic propaganda or internet memes and you are racist, hateful and ignorant. I would also like to add, that although I feel deeply for the innocent lives that are being lost, I truly do believe that we should save our own lives as well. We have homeless, veterans and poverty stricken lives right here in Canada that need assistance too! I am not saying that we should not help the refugees, I am saying that we need to look after us TOO!! TOO, meaning also or as well. Canada “should” be a kind enough country that we can help both our own AND some refugees. We have before. But here is the problem… You big mouth pieces of shit who are wanting to condemn the refugees to death because you think we should “help our own” are most likely hypocritical trash. Seriously… What are YOU doing to help your own? If all you “mouths” got off your greedy selfish asses and donated time and money to OUR homeless and poverty stricken, we wouldn’t have many left!!  I think we should help as many refugees as we can. I think we should help some by bringing them to Canada and I think we should help the ones we are unable to bring here in whatever way we can. Their home is in shambles and war surrounds them. They need a safer place to go.

https://www.reddit.com/r/pics/comments/1l0ajz/syria_before_and_after/
Syria pre-2011 compared to Syria today. Would you want to go home?
Syria hole
to see more Syria destruction Photos: http://photo.sf.co.ua/id154

I have some “friends” (I use the term friend loosely to mean people I have on my social media account)  who have posted a link to an article posted a year ago. This particular article is being re-circulated to coincide with the current attacks in Paris, Beirut, and Baghdad. It is being re-circulated simply to induce fear into Canadians as the headline states, “ISIS leader threatens Canada, says it will fight to the last man in audio recording”. There are multiple people re-posting this today, too blinded by the horrific events that have happened to see past the fear and hate. I am betting that most of the folks posting only read the headline and have no idea what the article actually says and no idea that it is actually an article from a year ago. READ MORE THAN THE HEADLINE!!

I guess to sum up:

The innocent victims of war and tragedy are in my heart everyday.
People of the world need to Stand united and strong against ALL terrorists.
Fear is what the “terrorists” want.
Racism is as evil as terrorism.
Passing judgement without just cause makes you the asshole.

Donate or volunteer you time. Do your research and choose the one that is right for you. Choose the one that gives the most of their money and time directly to the cause.

http://www.moneysense.ca/planning/2016-charity-100-grades/

MoneySense Magazine’s annual charity ranking is a list of charities that have been rated based on how efficient the charity organization is.

 

 

 

Happy Thanksgiving!! (Canadian Edition)

Thanksgiving Day in Canada is today, October 12, 2015.

maple

Turkey day, as some like to call it (including myself, facetiously, on occasion), Is celebrated mostly in North America. Canada, the USA, Grenada, Saint Lucia and Puerto Rico all celebrate Thanksgiving as do Liberia and Norfolk Island. Thanksgiving is celebrated on different days in each place, but I am Canadian and as such, today is my Thanksgiving Day.

To some Thanksgiving day is a religious event. A day to pray to their lord and saviour (or whatever deity they choose to worship) and give extra thanks for all that you have. To some Thanksgiving is all about the food, giving thanks for the years harvest being the main “thanks” and then pigging out on the spread of the year (although there are some who only see thanksgiving day as a feast for the day and a paid day off work). For the most part, no matter what way you look at it, the day is about giving thanks.

In today’s day and age, people (NOTE: When I say people, I am generalizing and do not mean ALL people. I mean some people) seem to take for granted the things they have. People seem to think that they are “owed” what they have and more. People seem to think that they don’t have to work for what they want. Today’s world seems to be filled with greedy, selfish, money/power hungry, self-centred ungrateful humans. It makes me sick. So to avoid being one of these people I am always thankful for what I have and I am always appreciative for what receive. I may not always say it, and I may not always show it, but I am, deep down, grateful for everything and everyone in my life, everyday.

Thanksgiving Day to me.

To me, Thanksgiving is about giving thanks where thanks are due. Thanksgiving is about being thankful and digging deep into your conscience to find all that you are truly thankful for, no matter how vast or minuscule.I am grateful for the goods and the bads. I appreciate the ups and the downs. I am thankful for the friends and the enemies. I am grateful for the happys and the sads. I am appreciative of the loves and the hates. I am thankful for the pleasures and the pains  All of these things mould me. They have sculpted me into the woman I have become. Every new moment; good, bad, love filled or crowded with hate, provides room for more growth to my identity. Every delight revises my soul. Every heartache modifies my being. Every comfort adds to my essence. Every despair transforms my spirit. Every moment changes me. And for each of these instances, I am ever thankful.

Some specific things I am personally thankful for (Note the following is a tiny minuscule percentage of all that I am thankful for)

I am thankful for Coffee.http://www.tmstshoes.com/sunday-coffee-morning/

I am thankful for My daughter. Kyia is the love of my life. Without her presence in my life, my life might be meaningless (I know, no life is actually meaningless, but I was at a pretty low point in my life when I discovered my pregnancy). Her birth brought light to my dark world, happiness to my depression. She is the reason I strive for better. She is the cause of my joy. She is the calm of my storm. She is perfection.

I am thankful for “The Princess Bride”.Princess bride

I am thankful for my Best friend, Declan, He is always there, for over 20 years he has been the brother I never had. He drove me anywhere I needed to go… until …He helped me find my first vehicle and taught me to drive. He payed for (most of, if not all) the tools I needed for school because I could not afford it and my scholarships would not cover them. He usually listens to me vent (or maybe not so much listen, but he just let’s me vent). He has been the only positive male figure in Kyia’s life from the day of her birth. He would do just about anything for my little girl. He is kind. He is thoughtful. He is smart. He is a nerdy Trekkie and He is my best friend.

I am thankful for knowledge. http://9gag.com/gag/200081/knowledge-is-power

I am thankful for Viona. For over 30 years this woman has been my shoulder. She is always there when I need to pour out my heart and soul. She is the only person who has seen me at my best, my worst, my happiest and my saddest. She is the only person I willingly let see me cry and breakdown. She is always that ear that listens. She tells me shit straight. If she thinks I am being an idiot, she will tell me. There is no-one on this earth (not “blood” related, such as Kyia or Nanny) that I love more. She has a heart of gold. She is a wonderful mother. She is forgiving. She is helpful. She is my sister by choice and she is the best sister anyone could ask for.

I am thankful for stress.http://aero-news.info/pages/q/quotes-about-being-stressed-tumblr/

I am thankful for my job. Although most of the time I very much dislike my place of employment or at lease some of the “higher -ups” and co-workers, I am thankful that I have a job. I am thankful that the majority of the people with-in the company that I do actually like are located in my local office whereas the ones I do not much care for are NOT located in my office. I am thankful that I have a Monday-Friday job that allows me to go home to Kyia each and every day. I am thankful I have a job that provides me with an income that is enough to support myself and Kyia and not have to rely on others (much) for assistance. I am thankful for (some of) my co-workers who I do enjoy talking to.

I am thankful for long weekends.long weekend

I am thankful for Sean. Yes you read that correctly. Without him I would not have conceived Kyia. Without him, Kyia and I would not have the strong bond that we have. His neglect and abuse resulted in mine and Kyia’s bond being unbreakable (I say before the teenage years approach … will I still say this in 2-8 years haha). So yes, I am even thankful for Sean.

I am thankful for sleep.haz_a_nap.png

I am thankful for Finn. They say one finds love when one is not looking. Well I definitely was not looking when I met Finn. We worked for the same company (away from home). My first impression was … yeah right douche, you’re cute, but you likely have a wife and kids back home. I was wrong. Thankfully. When he did finally have me convinced he was in fact single, it was still a difficult situation as we lived thousands of miles apart. But thankfully, fate (if you believe in that sort of thing) brought us together. He is Handsome. He is Kind. He is Honest. He is Loyal. He is an Uber nerd and I love him.

I am thankful for restaurants.https://twitter.com/nocookingtoday

I am thankful for Bree. There is a lot of history with my sister. (Bree’s story is a whole other post… or series of posts) We used to be very close. Despite the fact that I very much dislike her now as a person, I still love her. She has done a lot for me and I for her. I miss her most days. I miss that we used to be best friends. I miss that we used to trust one another. I am thankful that she was a part of my life and hopeful that she will be again.

I am thankful for long hot bathsHot bath

I am thankful for Social Media. I know, I know. I too have the typical love-hate relationship with facebook (I will use the term facebook to mean all social media). I hate the drama and the bullshit posts from some friends (I use the term friend loosely to mean all friends on facebook, family, friends, acquaintances, co-workers, or just people I know/knew). I hate the times I look at a friends post and think to myself “are you really that stupid”. I hate the times I look at my own posts and think “are you really that stupid”. Most days I just want to shut it all down, delete my profile and abandon everyone just to alleviate the annoyance that some induce. YES, I would not know what most of my friends ate last night, or that they have a cold again, or that they are flipping mad at the world and need to vent on facebook daily, or that “Oh my Gawd, You are dumb as a rock, how am I friends with you!” or whatever else may be annoying to me that day … But without facebook I would not be able to keep in contact with most friends. I would not see the pictures of my friend’s trip to Montreal. I would not be able to chat with my friend in NB who has no phone. I would not see the pictures of my friend in NS’s baby growing into a toddler and eventually a teenager. I would not be able to offer condolences when a friend on the other side of the country’s loved one passes away. I would not be able to re-connect with “old” friends that I have not seen in years. I would have no idea that I have many photographer friends who all take amazing and beautiful pictures. I would never know that my friend in NB got married last week. I would not know that many of my friends are in similar situations as myself and/or as each other. I would not know that my friend in BC’s child’s birthday is today. I would not know that my friend has been to more concerts than I could ever imagine. I would not know that my friends are doing ok. I would have no one sharing new recipes, fun quotes, silly jokes or those cute animal videos. And, I would not be able to share my life with them. So, I am thankful for facebook and I am thankful for those who I call “friend”.

I am thankful for orchids.https://lamberdebieflowers.wordpress.com/2012/03/29/orchid-plants-a-perfect-house-plant/

I am thankful for books. How can anyone not love books. I could read and read and read… wait…lately it has been listen and listen and listen, oh the sweet sound of audio books. Whether you prefer to pick up a physical book and turn the paper pages (if you have time for that sort of thing) or you like the Kindle app glowing at your touch or you like the soothing sound of someone else reading to you, books are amazing. Should I be thankful for books or authors here? BOTH! I am thankful for books. I am thankful for the authors. I am thankful that I can read.

I am thankful for music.

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I could go on and on and on and on and on and on (you get the picture) about the things I am thankful for big and small, but seeing how I would like to post this today and not in 143 years (that is my guess as to how long it would (consecutively) take to type out all I am thankful for…Yes, that much), I will end it here.

So, this is me being thankful for you.

Stay Tuned Part 1

Lego Pain

Continued from What is this pain. I suggest you read that first…

The blood work all came back normal. YAY!

But I am still in Pain and I still have no idea what is wrong. This not knowing shit is causing my stress levels to sky rocket!

Every day, at least once a day, I keel over from the pain. I truly do not know how much more I can handle.

Today, the pain is mostly on my right side and through the right side of my lower back … WHAT! This is new. For months it has been on the left side and around the center with the odd spread to the right … Today, all day, my right side hurts (with a little center and right). What did I do in a past life to deserve this? I am so tired of being in pain. There is always something.

My Knees (My knees have caused me pain since I before I can remember, <5 years old)

My Back (Not as long as my knees but still many years of back pain…. upper, mid AND lower!)

My pelvic (abdomen) area (and now this)

All. The. Time.

Some days, like today, I can not concentrate on anything other than the pain. It hurts. I am trying to work and cannot even think. I try to drive and find it difficult to focus on the road. I try to sleep and cannot. I cannot do much

I am still waiting for the gynecologist call for an appointment. That is correct; 2 ish months and still not even a call to say here is your appointment. For F@#$ sake.

I need to get in there soon for 2 reasons really: I need to figure out what the hell is wrong, but I also have no birth control at the moment as my IUD was removed… I may need that back soon (or NOW would be nice) .. well maybe not that exact one …

Microsoft's Confused Face

… Stay tuned …

Single mom Vs. “Single” mom

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Single Mom (or dad … Note: I will use mom, but it’s context will actually mean any parent, I am not being sexist or whatever you want to call it this week, I am only using it in this way as I am a single MOM) = Mom who is raising the child independently. The Father (AGAIN NOTE: I am only using father/dad to differentiate, this could in fact be either parent, so don’t go getting your panties in a bunch) is not in the child’s life, does not help financially, emotionally, mentally or physically with the child’s upbringing whether due to death, or because they are a “deadbeat” etc. A single parent is the sole provider for the child.

Note: A single mom is NOT one who does not allow the father to see the child. A single mom is NOT one who pushes an “actual” willing father away. 

“Single” Mom = A mom who happens to be single. A mom who has the assistance of the father to help with the upbringing of the child but the parents are not together.

“Wilful single mom” I believe the mother who does not allow the father access would fit in this category.

Note: If a GOOD man who is ACTUALLY willing to be in his child’s life and help out in any way he can and be unselfish by always putting that child first and the mother does not allow it, she is an evil C^#% and is ruining her child’s life. I HATE these women. I will discuss this more later …

So here is my situation. I am a single mom. I was lucky enough when my daughter was a toddler to have assistance from some family and friends. NOT her father. (if you read my previous posts Let me get this straight and The battle today … should she get the response or should she be ignored? you will get a bit of background).

Note: Kyia’s father is the worst kind of deadbeat piece of shit. Why? Because he uses her for his convenience. He shows up after months of no contact, usually to impress someone. He is not in her life, but he shows up enough to confuse and hurt her. He treats his daughter like shit, avoids support payments, lies and manipulates and then tries to make it look like it is all me. Let me do a sum up … if I can. He refuses to see her for years unless it is convenient for him, he uses her, for example, to impress a girl; he will take kyia for a sleepover, Or to make this girl feel sorry for him; he will ask me if he can take Kyia on a day he KNOWS we have plans so when I say no, he can say “see she won’t let me see my daughter”. He refuses to willingly pay child support, it must be garnished from his pay check … if and when he holds a legitimate job. He has refused visitation schedules (which were more than fair). He puts guilt trips on his daughter to make HER cry and feel bad for HIS behaviour. He is one of the 3 people I truly hate (See # 15). He is what I am classifying in this blog as a pretend dad.

I could go on and on and on, but I am veering off topic. So back on track … single mom vs. “single” mom.

As an actual single mom I get very disgusted when mom’s who are “single” moms use the single mom status to get free things. They use the single mom status to use and manipulate people to get what they want. These people are despicable. Let me tell you something. As I mentioned before my above rant, I was lucky enough to have assistance from family and friends when Kyia was younger (Declan, Keira, Viona, My Mother, My aunt Lacey, My aunt Bridget on occasion, even my sister Bree, to name but a few). Because of their help I was able to go back to school and achieve a technology diploma. It was a long hard road, school, work and parenting but I did it. I was a single mom, but as I had so much love, support and help, I did not use my single mother status as a cry for help. I did not need it. (although I did state it on a couple of occasions which I may discuss another time) With that said, let’s say hypothetically that I did not have this support and I did need “outside help”; would I use my single mother status? This is where I would condone using this status, but not abusing it. As I mentioned before, I did on a couple of occasions throw my single mom status into the mix. It helped get me a scholarship to pay for my schooling. It helped in getting assistance to pay for child care while in school. The thing is (for the most part) I mentioned it. I did not request a pity party throwing every pitiful detail of my pathetic life. It was basically an “I am a single mom trying to better our lives” and then I moved on to topic.

So if you are an actual single mom and you legitimately need help every now and again, ask for it. Throw your single mom status into the mix, it works. But do NOT abuse it. Do not take and take and take. Do not expect handouts from everyone. Do not sit your ass on welfare. Do not cry for pity. Get up and do something. Accept peoples charity but only if you need it and/or are bettering yourself otherwise allow that single mom who actually needs it have it.

I am going to go back to what I will call the “wilful single mom”. I hate this woman! If there is a father who truly (I stress the word truly to rule out the pretend dads from this category) wants to be in his child’s life and you are refusing him access you are the lowest of the low. You are that dreaded “C word” most women hate … yes, you are a Cunt. Now keep in mind I am not referring to women who are hiding their child from an abusive man for the safety of their child (or for some LEGITIMATE reason… smoking pot is not a legitimate reason, smoking crack daily in the presence of children is. Social drinking is not legitimate, falling down drunk daily in the presence of children is. He cheated on you is not a legitimate reason, cheated on you with a child (pedophilia) is. Do you see where I am going with this), I am talking about that skank, who out of spite, keeps the child away from the loving father. The woman who will do whatever it takes to hurt the man who left her crazy ass. The woman who uses her child to cause pain and agony to a devoted dad. Do NOT call yourself a single mom if you are this evil shrew. You are not a single mom because you have a second parent willing to be in the life of his child. You have a second parent who is willing to support his child. You have a second parent who is willing to love his child. You are nothing. Just so you know … what is just as bad as this cunt is the piece of shit who PRETENDS (to others) to be that devoted dad. I despise this “pretend dad” too. But this is another topic all together.

Now onto the “single” mom. Just because you and the father are split up does not make you a single mom. If the father is part of the child’s life and upbringing, stop using this status. You do not get to pull the “I am a single mom, pity me” card EVER. You are a mom and you are single. Find a dating site.

I have personally known at least one person from all of these categories of each sex (meaning: I have known at least 1 single mom and single dad, “single” mom and “single” dad as well as wilful single mom and wilful single dad … as well as both the pretend dad (and a mom), the deadbeat (Mom and dad) and the loving parents in each situation) and …I forgot where I was going with that …

So to sum up.

Single mom: Single handily raising the child. Earns the right to ask for help and assistance as a single mom IF NEEDED.

“Single” mom: A mom who is not with the child’s father, but receives support in the upbringing of the child; financially, emotionally and physically. Should NEVER call herself a single mom.

Wilful single mom: Scum of the earth right there next to pretend dad. Should not even be classified as a mom.

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