Not in Alberta! Maybe I am overreacting … Maybe I am not …
When I realized (in January) that despite my best efforts I still did not have a job and could not afford to pay Kyia’s school fees, which I had been putting of in the hopes that I would find a job and be able to pay them, I requested a “Fee Waiver” from The Calgary Board of Education (CBE). This was VERY hard for me. Between my pride and my anxiety, it made me cry that I had to “ask for help”. But there is no possible way for me to afford the nearly $400 they want for school fees. YES you read that right. $400 fucking dollars per year (PLUS the hundreds they want you to pay for field trips, and additional school activities throughout the year) for a “FREE” education. I understand that some SMALL fees (Small=$25-$50 MAX) may be acceptable but $400+ is just outrageous!! This is Canada for fuck sake. How in the fuck does CBE justify approx $400 they say noon super vision, transportation, school supplies etc….
1. My child does not get supervised at noon!! She is in grade 8 and leaves the school grounds most days. And seriously!! These pussy-ass fucking teachers who BARELY even teach kids any more can’t SHARE lunch supervision?? I respect teachers, don’t get me wrong…well I used to…but these days it seems the teachers need to be coddled and babied. They don’t teach our children the things they need. They baby them by “passing” everyone. They rarely discipline (I don’t mean straps, just detention or even a goddamn scolding!). And they cut out essential core studies … like Cursive and multiplication tables!!! The teachers need to “man-the-fuck-up” and TEACH our kids! …oh I am going off topic … The teachers are paid for their day in their salaries … They should NOT get extra to monitor lunch hours. This should simply be mandatory shared tasks INCLUDED IN THEIR FUCKING JOB!!!!
2. Transportation … I cannot bitch much about this one really… Because we live in a different school zone, my daughter does not take school buses. We chose to not send her to the school in our zone so I am not “charged” this (additional $335) fee and I buy her a monthly transit pass to get to school. However … I believe the rate for school bus transit is a bit much … I have not fully researched all of the other provinces, but I do KNOW that the majority of the provinces do not have this fee!! (Or ANY of these overpriced fees!)
3. School supplies … Oh this one makes my blood boil!! I BUY HER SCHOOL SUPPLIES!! The BUDGET Buys teacher supplies. What the actual fuck is this bullshit!! I go out and spend $100 ish dollars on the LIST that the CBE gives out for instructional supplies and then they try to charge me (Approx $150)for more!! You don’t pay … they THREATEN YOU!!! New Brunswick School fees $25 and buy your own school supplies OR $35 School supplies INCLUDED (NO transportation fee, NO supervision fee, NO Bullshit!!). If you don’t pay, you don’t get threatened, you just don’t get the school planner. FUCK YOU CBE!!! FUCK YOU!!! Greedy fucking dickface CBE!! Again, FUCK YOU!
Anyhoo, Back to the “Fee Waiver”, I was apparently never approved…Yesterday I received an email from the CBE basically threatening me. Pay or we will send you to collections!! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!! I sent an email stating that I applied for fee waiver months ago…ATTACHING the original email and including a snippit from their webpage showing that I had applied. The message they sent back was that I need a “Child Health Benefits card”. Um. No. No I fucking don’t! I am not going to the goddamned government begging for fucking anything. It is bad enough that I am back on the dreadful EI. I will not go to them for ANYTHING (unless absolutely necessary… like EI because work is scarce and I need fricking money…also I paid into that shit). So I told them that (in a nicer way) I simply said, “I do not need nor want a benefits card. You have my financial information. That is all you need. They came back with basically a too bad, that is our policy. You have to go to Alberta Works and basically apply to be low-income and get that Child Health Benefits Card. Are you fucking kidding me!!! I lost it. I literally walked away from the computer and left my reply until this morning. Which was still kind of nasty…because I am still PISSED So Here is what I sent off:
“To whom it may concern, I have submitted a fee waiver and have forwarded my EI income information already- MONTHS ago!! You threaten to send me to collections KNOWING that I can NOT afford to pay these fees. I am disgusted that you will NOT approve the fee waiver just because I am not on social assistance/Welfare?! I am on EMPLOYMENT INSURANCE! I have ALREADY stated this! I do NOT need nor want a health benefits card and there is NO reason that I should be forced to get some letter calling/labeling me “low-income” or forced to get this health card thing. YOU have my financial information!! Why do you want to embarrass, belittle and STRESS people and families by forcing them to announce to the world that they are poor? I have enough stress and anxiety in my life, I sure as heck do not need The Calgary School Board adding to it! I have shared my financial woes with you, yet you want me to go to a multitude of others announcing my struggles. This process is despicable. This process is WRONG. I have sent you the information and there is no reason for you to force me to embarrass and stress myself further. I am on EI. I make LESS than 2000 per month. My rent, bills and food expenses meet and sometimes exceed that amount. Last year I made under $40,000 and the ONLY reason it was that “high” is because I did work for 6 months of the year…but still technically below the poverty line! Unfortunately I was let go in early October, JUST after an emergency trip to NB (that I am STILL trying to pay off!) leaving me unemployed and BROKE. I expect The Calgary School Board (or ANY school board for that matter) to be a bit more respectful and understanding to people in these situations. When YOU are provided with sufficient financial information to approve a family for a fee waiver. JUST DO IT! Don’t send them to the government agencies. Don’t send them to the school. Don’t force this embarrassment onto them. And for God sake do NOT Threaten them!!! Just take that information and make the darn approval. We live in CANADA. Education is supposed to be FREE!!!! Maybe it is my pride talking or maybe it is my social anxiety, It does not matter, DO not force people into uncomfortable situations. Period. Now please look into this. Thank you.”
Too much? Should I be this Mad? Am I over-reacting? I don’t think so. Why? …
Education is MANDATORY in Canada. Education is a RIGHT in Canada. Education is FREE in Canada. FREE you fucking idiots. FREE. Not $400 dollars or we will send you to collections. FREE!
So Now I apparently have to go to the principal of my daughters school and beg them to approve the waiver “in house” …what a fucking hassle for this free education. Did I mention…
So Kyia has her first boyfriend … How the fuck do I deal with this!!! My mind is scattered all over the place with this one. Inside I am freaking-the-fuck-out!! Outside, I am playing the cool mom whom Kyia can tell everything to … It is killing me!!So lets go over some points …
I was a teen girl once, but at 13 I had no boyfriends and little interest in the idiots I went to school with…seriously, one or 2 of them WERE cute, I suppose… BUT Assholes and Morons!! Sure I had crushes on “celebrities” like Jon Bon Jovi, Jason Bateman, Charlie Schlatter and “Bo Duke” (John Schneider) also …. ummm … well …*cough**cough* Jon Knight *cough**cough* and maybe *cough**cough* *cough**cough* Wil *cough**cough* Wheaton *cough**cough* But, Well, Believe it or not, as the saying goes … “sweet 16 and never been kissed”. I was actually 16 when I had my first “real” boyfriend and my first kiss and lost my virginity (I say “real” because I had a boyfriend named Jimmy when I was 4 or 5 that probably lasted like a day. And I actually had a Boyfriend at 14 … but I literally said yes to this dip-shit just to get him to leave me alone. *Eyeroll* He bugged me and asked me to be his girlfriend over and over and I repeatedly told him “no” over and over until I finally said FINE! We lasted 3 days… when we went swimming and he pushed my, unable to swim, little sister into the deep end of the pool … I dumped him and threatened him that if I ever saw him again, I would beat the shit out of him … I never saw him again…I was a little “rough around the edges” and tough as nails with a temper that would scare Satan when I was younger. LOL). So back on point, I went fast, or so I think I did, now… I had my first boyfriend and first kiss, 6 months later we broke up and I got my second boyfriend and just over a month together, I lost my virginity … Terrifying! But this plays in my mind, this and KNOWING how boys think and what they think about … *shudder* Despite still being a girl and having girly thoughts and feelings (that I hid) I grew up, kind of “tomboy-ish”. I have always been “one of the boys” I relate better with the guys… frilly, prissy, catty chicks piss me the fuck off! Being “one of the boys” allowed the guys to speak freely around me… so yes, I KNOW how and what they think. Anyhoo…As a teen girl, if my mother told me no … well I did it out of spite. My mother said I can’t hang out with a certain person? I would do it more. My mother said I can’t go out? I jumped out my bedroom window. I know better than to pull the “Your too young for a boyfriend” crap … that will make her want it more! So ….
I play the cool mom. Kyia informed me of her crush a couple of months ago, and she told me as soon as he asked her out (about 3 weeks ago). She told me when he tried to kiss her (a few times) and how she dodged it and she told me when she did finally let him kiss her (last weekend!!)…I died inside, just sayin…She trusts me enough to tell me these things. Why? Because, despite the fucking devastating bomb that just detonated in my guts I hold it together and smile and talk to her about it…or just smile and say something nice … depending on both of our moods. She trusts that I am not going to tell the whole planet about them. She trusts that I am not going to tease and ridicule her (much). She trusts that I am going to be there for her. She KNOWS that I am her best friend … no matter how much she pretends it is the other kids… lol. She knows. She trusts. I listen. I respect.
My insides are going to cause a nuclear meltdown. I mean seriously … I suffer from Anxiety, occasional Depression (which is currently “on”), a little OCD and over-protectiveness …. and My baby girl has her first boyfriend!!! PANIC ATTACK in effect!! The emotions and thoughts are running rampant! Kissing, Sex, Heartache, STD’s, PREGNANCY!! OMG OMG OMG, Breathe!! Breathe!! A woman I used to work with has a 15 year old daughter who just had a baby … that is fucking retarded!!! When I was a teenager, A girl I knew who was 12, TWELVE, got pregnant! Jesus Christ! 12 and 15 years old, That IS a baby!! AIDS… need I say more! And for fucks sake what am I going to do when her heart is broken …although I do have LOTS of experience here since her dad has been breaking her heart for 13 fucking years ..fucking scum bag piece of shit dead beat…. but seriously … I know I “look” like I am holding it all together, but I am not. I want to tell her “NO dating until you are 16 (or 40)!” I want to scare that boy away! I want to ground her for life and move to a secluded island where there are no boys! I want to cry!!! There is so much responsibility that comes with boyfriends, love and sex. there is so much danger in it if one is not mature enough and or prepared. AND in this day and age, parents should be DRILLING information and facts on Sex, Pregnancy and STDs into their teenagers heads! Scare the shit out of the little bastards so that they will never have sex … hey! A mom can dream!! This is NOT the earlier 1900s when talking sex is Taboo … TALK TO YOUR FUCKING KIDS!!! Yes, it is awkward and uncomfortable, but I talk to Kyia about her menstrual period, boys, sex, STDs, Pregnancy, drugs and so-on. We both hate it, yes, but I want her informed. So we talk … sometimes too much … she gets so annoyed when I go on and on and on …. Hell sometimes I annoy myself! lol… So I “try” to have these talks in small doses, when a topic arises. Have we had all of “the” talks? No not yet, but she is 13 and we are starting them….also I need time to mentally prepare ME for these talks! THIS on top of the teenage “attitude… I think I am going to die!
The Boy … Kyia had him over this weekend. They hung out all day and we brought them out to Dinner. I drilled him with Questions…nothing too crazy… what do you like to do? got brothers or sisters? pets? You know, those type questions … they may get more “difficult” with each visit… muahahahaha! He SEEMS like a pretty good kid. He is Athletic, Plays (and is apparently fairly obsessed with) Basketball. He plays for the school and (I think) for a city team and he watches the NBA and he plays video game basketball. He is quiet and a little shy. He is in Band. He “used to” play World of Warcraft. He played D&D once. He lives with his dad. He seems smart. The boy has a nerdy side (BONUS!). But … His preferred music Genre is Rap… could he pick a worse (IMO) Genre… fak…Well everyone has flaws I guess. He talks more quietly than Kyia. He is too shy (and indecisive) to make a decision. They took a trip to the park for a couple hours and we had our dinner trip, but other than that, they hung out in her room most of the day…with the door WIDE open and Momma “passing by” randomly. I caught him attempting a kiss at one point and went right in the room and sat my ass down… both of them bright red … I sat there for a good 10-15 minutes just “chatting” away. I didn’t know how to react. I wanted to grab him by the scruff of the neck and throw him out the window…or through the wall! But instead, I calmly interrupted his attempt and sat down to continue the interruption. NO Kissing in my presence!! NO Kissing in my house!! I know they have kissed (now keep in mind this is 13 year old kissing… pecks on the lips) and I am not going to ground her over it, but I do NOT condone it. I do NOT approve of it. She is my Baby!!!
What I am doing … reading, researching and communicating…also breathing, a lot of calming deep breaths and crying… a lot of very emotional cries … I recently had someone (a couple someones actually) tell me, Just tell her not to do it. She is too young, do not allow it. But realistically … She is 13. Boys are a part of her life. Teenage attitude, especially if she is anything like her mom, can be very spiteful. So it is MY opinion that in MY circumstance, MY parenting for this is to make sure she is informed. To make sure they always have a chaperone (of sorts) even if it is a group of friends. But to do that I need to inform myself so….
Today is a VERY bad depressing day. I literally forced myself out of bed today…twice. I really just want to go back, but for now maybe some blog therapy will help….? Doubtful, but let’s give it a go, writing it out does occasionally help so let’s see…if not maybe I will colour. It all started yesterday (actually it started WAY before that, but for the sake of this post, we will say yesterday) when Finn got an interview and was offered the job during the interview…now hold on to your judgement… back up a tiny bit with a sum up, Finn was laid off 8 months ago. In the last 8 months he applied for ONE fucking job (Actually I think there may have been a second one that I harassed him into applying for), got an interview and the job. I spent every goddamn day (well every weekday and occasional weekend days) for the last 7 months looking through thousands of postings, going to/cold calling dozens of companies, applying for HUNDREDS of jobs and attending dozens of interviews and job fairs. So yes, despite my happiness that Finn is finally getting off his lazy ass, I am resentful and bitter that I work so hard and he does next to nothing. No, I shouldn’t be and I try to fight it and hide it but this is what depression AND anxiety does to a person. All I can think about is how un-fucking-fair this is. “They” say good things happen to good people… Well Fuck “them”, fucking liars. When the fuck is my “good” going to happen? I do good deeds ALL the time, Despite (currently) being classified as poor, I still give to charities and those in need, I am kind to people, despite not liking people very much, I care WAY too much. I help people even after they lie to me, abuse me, cheat on me, betray me and/or hurt me. I often go without so others have. Yet, here I am, a 40 year old fucking failure who can’t get nor keep a fucking job despite being, hard working, reliable, honest, punctual, ethical and intelligent…? (Maybe I am not that smart, maybe I am getting dumber by the fucking day, that sure is how I feel lately) and whose daughter is a selfish, ungrateful, materialistic, entitled, spoiled brat. And that brings me to today’s set off.
I had a little vent with Kyia this morning, after a horrible sleep due to “someone’s” tossing and turning and alarm at 4am (Because you know, when one needs to be a 30 minute drive away at 7 one must get up at 4… asshole). I was a bit cranky and I made a complaint about Finn not only not applying for the better paying job that I pointed out to him a couple days ago but also not even looking into it (Double pay compared to the job he just took, also better job with better company). So after that mini rant Kyia started her own (very teenage snotty) rant about Finn better apply for the other job because she is tired of being poor…Wait… what the fuck. You need to understand that while we are FAR from rich, and are actually what one might consider “poor” (at the moment, I have had some good jobs over the years, but right now I am on EI) we get by with NO help and I make sure that we live as if Finn’s income doesn’t exist, without him, we can live as we are now. (Because I swore when My own sister fucked me over that I would NEVER rely on anyone or anything again … I know, kind of petty but you don’t understand how horribly I have been hurt, betrayed and ripped off by my own family…over and over…So no one ever again will have me in any kind of state of dependence and invulnerability). My daughter gets everything she needs and almost everything she wants (which granted, has been a bit less the past few months). Despite being on EI for the better (worst?) part of the last 2 years (wait before I start this list, remember that a lot of this was purchased while I was working in decent jobs and with savings and such. Don’t you dare judge me and what I spend MY money on!!). Her entire wardrobe is Lulu Lemon, Bench, Nike, Roots, Converse, Thrasher, Brandy Melville, Pink etc… you get the point, all expensive name brands. She has her own custom built computer in her room she has a brand new phone, an ipod and TWO UE Mega-booms!! She HAD 2 tablets but destroyed them with her destructively jamming in the charger this also happened with 2 of her phones and yet although I refused to replace the tablet the second time, She always manages to get a new phone. She goes to ALL of her school events, which ALWAYS cost money, I buy her a monthly bus pass so she can attend the school her friends go to which is not in our district, I bought her hundreds of dollars of art supplies because she wanted it and she never touched it (this has actually happened with many “fad” things! …We have a Wii U so she could play Zelda and wii-fit, she doesn’t touch it, and an Atari – the new one with 101 games pre-loaded, because she wanted it to play frogger, she hasn’t touched it). I drive her all over hells creation because her 2 best friends live 20 minute drive away from us … in opposite directions!! I give her money whenever she needs it and almost always when she asks. Our fridge and cupboards are ALWAYS filled with food, good fresh food. She has her own space heater in her room in case she gets cold and that’s just the tip of the iceberg. FFS. So I snapped at her, I actually forget exactly what I said but it was something like “I am sorry if this life I have fought to provide isn’t good enough for you, but too goddamn bad!”
She had the fucking nerve to continue with “but I haven’t got anything new in a long time” … Christmas which brought in THOUSANDS of dollars in new clothes was less than 5 months ago!!! AND EASTER was just last fucking month (granted, Easter is a lot smaller, she did get new “roots” shorts and socks and the Atari)!! I lost it! I yelled. I literally yelled at her. Sure I raise my voice at her at times, but yelling is a rarity. I was so fucking mad that I called her selfish, I called her ungrateful, I called her selfish again, I called her materialistic and I called her selfish again. I freaked. And when I realized that my parenting skills of trying to raise a kind, thoughtful, Grateful, appreciative, daughter failed, I stormed off into my room, slammed the door and stayed in there crying for hours. I didn’t even walk her to the door when she left for school. I didn’t give her a hug and kiss goodbye. And I didn’t tell her I love her. I sat in my room and cried. I cried in disappointment, I cried in failure, I cried in depression. And then of course I started thinking about all the things that make me a failure and I cried some more. Of course it is my fault. I go without so that she can still have this stuff. I go without so she can have her lulu lemon tights, and roots jogging pants. I go without so she can have her Pink sweaters and Brandy Melville shirts. I go without so she can take the bus to the school she wants. I go without so she can get drives to her friends. I go without so she can have a phone. Maybe I gave her too much. Maybe I spoiled her too much. Now all that matters is her and her stuff. I spent the last 13 years suffering through hellish stressful days and shitty jobs. Suffered immensely just for her to become selfish and ungrateful. I did this. I can’t even express my disappointment in both her and myself. I can’t even express my hurt. I know she is only 13 but she watches me struggle every day and still throws being poor in my face. I can’t even. I just can’t. Because I am not depressed enough and I apparently don’t feel bad enough about myself and I don’t feel useless enough. I have never been so disappointed in my fucking life. I sit in my room and cry because I thought I raised her better. Guess not. I guess all my efforts have failed. Failed. Just like me.
So what do I do now? Is there still time to save her from becoming this person, this selfish and ungrateful bitch (NO, I am not calling my daughter a bitch, dumbass, I am asking how to stop her from becoming one!). Do I clean out her room, taking away everything that she holds dear, all of her expensive “stuff” INCLUDING her clothes and phone? Maybe ONLY shop at Wal-Mart and Value Village. Shall I give her the worst Christmas and Birthdays ever by giving her nothing? Grading present? NOPE! Shall we not go see another movie or not another meal out? Shall I transfer her to the school in our district so she can walk or take the school bus and miss all of her friends? Shall I make her live off of shitty ass cheap food? Corn flakes, Kraft dinner, Mr. Noodles and hot dogs EVERY day? No more drives. Anywhere. No more comping trips or day trips. What? There is a new “item” she wants. NO! FFS. How does a depressed parent, who can barely get out of bed teach a 13 year old to be appreciative … especially when the depressed parent feels like she has nothing to be grateful for most days …
Two nights ago, Kyia and I had a huge ass daughter hates mother, mother thinks daughter is a disrespectful and ungrateful brat fight that lasted about 6 hours (well 3-4 hours of it was calmer and involved talking and discussing and compromising). We both said some hurtful things. I fucked up by bringing her deadbeat fathers name into it. 13 years of keeping my insults and hatred towards him to a minimum (in front of her) and mostly hidden came flying out. I may have slipped up and spewed about his abuse … she never knew. I always just say “we just didn’t get along” when she has asked about why we broke up or are not together. I hate myself for that (the fuck up, not the break up). I didn’t give a lot of details, but I said more than enough, more than I ever should have. She did not EVER need to know about the abuses I encountered at the “hands” of her father. I am so sorry for this. I know it did not help at all. I know. In fact there is a chance I made things worse. As a child who had a mother who spewed insults and hatred about her father, I know the resentment I feel towards it.
Back on track. During this fight Kyia glared at me with what looked like hatred in her eyes and said in her nasty hateful tone, “What exactly do you ever do for me?” First, I laughed. Really Child? Someday you will be a parent and you will know that the things a mother does for her child are unlimited. The short answer to that question is “literally everything!” The long answer is much more detailed and complex. This is what I want to talk about today.
What have I done/ do I do for my daughter?
Well, there are the obvious things such as, I put a roof over her head, food in her belly and clothes on her back. I give her all the necessities of life. But let’s dig deeper and be clearer. I am not going to point out “everything” I do, I don’t have the time or space for that, there is just too much. I am going with what I think is important right now. Kyia, my answer to your question (FYI, before you get all high and mighty and self-righteous, this is the answer that she won’t be actually getting …at least not the “your father is an abhorrent dick ones).
I left your father for you. He was a violent alcoholic, a liar and a cheater. He was possessive and controlling. He was an abusive scumbag. He was mentally, emotionally and sexually abusive. He was on his way to being physically abusive, it was only a matter of time. I had my bags packed and was making plans to leave when I found out I was pregnant. Being raised without a father, I decided to stay a bit longer to try and work things out. I hoped that the idea of being a father would make him a better person…it works this way with most people… not with him. He did not get better, he actually started to get worse. So after about 3 months, to protect you from his abuse, I left. I moved across Canada to be surrounded by loved ones. You gave me the strength to protect you. I left him for you.
I endured pregnancy and child birth for you. When discovering my pregnancy I cried for 3 days straight. Literally. Barely slept, barely ate. Could not stop crying. There were two reasons for this sniveling sob-fest. The first being the father. I would be stuck with this vile douche bucket for the rest of my life if I had a baby! The second, I did NOT want children. Ever. I considered my options, all of them. It took me 3 days to realize, yup, I want this child. I fell in love with you. My love for you outshined my hatred for your father and my annoyance with other people’s children. I wanted to love you, raise you and protect you. I then spent the next 8 months suffering cramps daily, nausea constantly, dizziness, pregnancy brain and extra stress. I did not have an easy pregnancy. I did not have the worst pregnancy, but it was not easy. I was not the glowing mom-to-be as a lot of pregnant women are. I was sick every fucking day. I was in pain, every fucking day. I suffered, every fucking day. I spent 36 hours in labour. During your birth I ripped. I ripped 13 stitches worth of ripping. I ended up with a UTI AND an infected tear down there. My Vagina felt like it was on fire for 6 weeks! It did not want to heal. I endured pregnancy and child birth for you.
I protect you. I protect you from your father. If he had his way when you were an infant, he would have taken you only to show off to some chick while they were getting drunk and high while you slept, likely on a bed in which you could fall off. I made the rule that he could only “take” you IF he was with suitable supervision, His father and his father’s wife (ex now) mostly. I knew your grandfather would keep you safe. I allowed you to go there anytime they wanted you. But only if your grandfather was there. I protect you from yourself. You do some stupid things. If I let you do every little thing you “wanted” to do, spur of the moment, you would be in a casket in no time. I will not be having that. I don’t allow you to touch the fire, I do not allow you to run in front of cars, I do not allow you to jump off bridges. I do these things, not to be mean and hurt you, but to protect you. I protect you from others. I talk to you about strangers and the dangers they could impose. I teach you that when you are in trouble (or even think you are) to get help from a trusted adult (mom, police, teacher etc.). I protect you from as much as I can without putting you in bubble wrap … or at least not too much bubble wrap. I protect you.
I fight for you. I fight you. I fight your dad. I fight my anxiety. I fight myself. I do not like to fight. When we fight, it is usually because I am trying to have you behave in a more respectful manner. I do not want you to grow up to be hated by people because you are a disrespectful, hateful spoiled brat. I want you to learn that you need to treat others as you want to be treated and if you are mean, there will be repercussions. When I fight with you, I am fighting for you. I fight with your dad for you. I fight my depression and anxiety every minute of every day. It pains me to be such a worrier. It pains me that I just want to stay in bed all day. It pains me that I have no motivation. It pains me that I have no strength. But for you I fight it all. I force myself out of bed. I force myself to let you out of my sight despite the scariest imaginable thoughts racing through my head about the worst case scenarios that could happen to you. I force some fake motivation so that we can do things such as road trips or Day trips to the zoo or even a quick visit to the mall. I force the strength to be your mom. I could easily just lay in bed and let you do whatever you please, but what kind of person would you be? I need the strength to tell you no and to hold you accountable for your actions. It is a daily battle. I fight daily for you.
I take blame for you. How many times did I tell your father that you “weren’t allowed to go” when in reality you did not want to go, so he would be angry with me and not you. How many times have I told you to blame me if you need to hang up on him, to tell him I took the phone and hung up. When you wanted to leave Bree’s house, during our visit home, because “she is mean”, I said it was me who didn’t want to stay there (although that was true as well, we left because YOU did not want to stay). I take the blame when you will be the one hurt otherwise. If someone will retaliate and be angry with you, I take blame for you.
I went to school for you. I would have been content working at menial jobs for a long time and likely never would have had the ambition to further my education. But having a baby changed that. Your life is too precious to me to raise you on “welfare” or in poverty. I needed an actual education in order to support you and give you the life I never had, to give you the life you deserve. I spent 6 years struggling every day, trying to find a balance of school and home. I studied, I fought, I cried, I begged, I pleaded, I tried, I passed and I failed. It was the most difficult 6 years of my life. I went back to school for you.
I moved across Canada (again) for you. I needed a job. The whole theory of going back to school in order to get a better job to support you was destroyed in NB. Despite my graduating a very good course, work in NB is scarce. The only way I could succeed was to move where the jobs were. So we moved. I didn’t really want to, deep down, but we did. I moved for you.
I stay for you. I want to go home. I want to be near my family, friends and the support they offer. Since we moved away there have been a lot of opportunities that have opened up in the Maritimes. I want to go home. I actually don’t like it here much. I have met some nice people, made a new friend or 2, but it just isn’t working for me. But I know deep down that you are happy here. You have friends. You have more opportunity here. So, I stay for you.
I went to court for you. Your repugnant deadbeat father decided he would refuse to sign a letter allowing me to take you into the states. Not because he thought we would stay there, but just because he is a dick and would do anything to hurt me and piss me off. He told you he would send a letter so we could go to the Seattle zoo, he told me to fuck off. He refused to send one allowing me to take you to Disneyland during the only time we were financially able to do so. So I spent hours talking to councillors, I spent weeks researching, I spent days filling out paper work and I spent hundreds of dollars so I could get “legal” full custody with the travel clause (Meaning I do not need his permission to leave the country with you). I went to court for you.
I taught you and I teach you. You knew your alphabet and numbers and how to write them and your name by the time you were 3, you didn’t learn that on your own. I helped you learn how to walk. I taught you not to touch the stove (without shoving your hand on the burner like parents did in the “old days”, yikes). I am teaching you to cook. I taught you cursive. I am teaching you multiplication. I am teaching you how to memorize. I taught you to be kind. I taught you to be thoughtful. I taught you to be respectful. I taught you these things by doing them myself. When we went out at Christmas time with our little candy packs, I taught you to be giving. When I give you a toonie to give to the busker, I am teaching you to be caring (and kind and giving and empathetic and an array of other characteristics). When I told you we do not give money to people unless they are doing something (people on the street “bumming” money vs the guy with the guitar playing a song or the homeless guy trying to sing), I am teaching you that you need to work for or earn what you want. When I tell you why I am putting on my blinker, I am teaching you to drive. When I scold you for interrupting me when I am talking, I am teaching you patience and to not be rude. When I say no, I am teaching you that life will not always give you what you want. When I lecture you for being rude, I am teaching you to be respectful. By not giving you everything you ask for, I am teaching you to be grateful. When I punish you for misbehaving, I am teaching you that there are consequences. When I hug you when you are sad, hurt or crying, I am teaching you compassion. When I make your breakfast, hug you, drive you to your friends, read to you, laugh with you and do any little thing for you, I am teaching you love. I teach you.
I punish and discipline you. You think punishment is a bad thing, but it is not. I don’t beat you or abuse you. I try to punish you to fit the “crime”. You fall behind on school work because you are too busy snapchatting friends, you lose your phone. You room is a mess after being told to clean it every day for a week, no sleepovers this weekend. Punishing you teaches you. I scold you, I lecture you and I ground you. It teaches you that you cannot do “whatever you want” It teaches you there are consequences to your actions (or lack thereof), it teaches you to not slack off and to not be an asshole. I discipline you.
I nurture, comfort and care for you. I care for you and attend to all of your needs. I promote your growth through love, discipline and hard work. When you are sick, I go to the store and get you apple juice, ice cream and chicken noodle soup. I get you blankets and serve you. I take your temperature and help you to feel more comfortable. I bring you to the doctor and hospital if necessary. When you are sad, angry or upset, I am the one sitting by your side holding you as you cry. I am the one reminding you that I am here for you and everything will be ok. I am the one who nurtures, comforts and cares for you.
I am your maid and I cook for you. I pick up after you constantly. Sure, lately I have started making you do it, but that is because you have started doing nothing. You have become lazy and began taking advantage of my “spoiling you” (for lack of a better term). But I still pick up after you a lot. I make your breakfast, lunch and dinner every day. Yes there are occasional exceptions where I may say “screw it, I am not cooking” and make everyone reheat leftovers or chomp on “snacky” stuff. There are also occasions where we eat out at a restaurant. For the most part, I cook or make all of your meals. I bake often providing you with a healthier and tastier alternative to all the junk cookies we could buy in the store. I do 90% of the chores so that you have more time for you, your studying and your friends. I cook so you eat and I clean so you do not live in filth. I clean and I cook for you.
I attend for you. Every play you act(ed) in. Every music concert you play(ed) in. Every music lesson you attend(ed). Every parent teacher meeting. Every sporting event you participate in. Every Tuesday and Thursday for Tae Kwon Do practice for 2 years. Every birthday party you have. Every hospital visit. Every playdate you enjoy. Every drop off or pick up you need. I attend all of your functions, for you.
I miss work for you. If you are sick or have a play, I miss work. I will call in “sick” to stay home and help you. I will call in sick just to have a mommy/daughter day (but only once a year…I have to keep my job, when I have one, for you too!). I will stay home to attend events and functions. But if “I” am sick, I will usually go to work. If there is a function that I want to attend, I will still go to work. I stay home from work for you.
I fuck up. I am not perfect. I try my hardest and do everything I can to mould you into a caring, kind, intelligent, loving, thoughtful young woman. I do everything I can to help you learn about and understand life. I attempt over and over to teach you lessons to survive on this god-awful planet. But I mess up. Just the other night, divulging you fathers abuse towards me, that was a fuck up. Just like when I let my emotions get the better of me and I over react. Just like when I lose my temper over “not good enough” school work. I am human and I fuck up.
I am your mom for you! I kill spiders and bugs. I open jars. I forgive. I listen. I take you shopping. I get you a drink. I fix things that won’t work (or at least I try to). I tell you stories. I find your lost things. I let you stay up late on weekends. I make sure you get to school. We go to the zoo. I feed you. I clothe you. I give you privacy. I am here. I will never leave. I bought you a bed. I clean up your vomit when you are sick. I do your laundry. I buy groceries. I make your doctor appointments. I bring you to those doctor appointments. I tuck you in. I kiss you goodnight. I walk you to the door. I changed your diapers. I stayed awake all night to keep an eye on you. I’ve bathed you. I’ve washed you. I carried you. I hug you. I play board games with you. I picked your nose. I taught you to ride a bicycle. I wake up early. I took you fishing. I held your hand. I bring you camping. I rub your head til you fall back to sleep. I remind you to brush your teeth. I potty trained you. I let you sleep in my bed when you are scared or lonely. I support you. I give you rules. I give you boundaries. I keep your secrets. I listen to you when you have pretty drama filled issues with your friends. I give you advice. I take you on vacations. I joined snapchat. I let you have snapchat. I cancel my plans to accommodate you. I go without. I save your work. I brush your hair. I pay for your entertainment. I take you to movies. I push you to be the best you can be. I breathe. There are a billion more things I could list, but the most important thing I do for you, I love you. Unconditionally.
It is daunting at times, but there is nothing I wouldn’t do for you. So, the next time you look at me with hatred and want to know what the fuck I do for you…
My Daughter, Kyia.
11 Years old at the time of this post.
This young lady is the love of my life.
From the moment she was born she has put the sparkle in my eye with the sparkle in hers.
So What can I say about her to describe her. The proper words elude me, and I may bounce all over the place, but let us see what I can come up with.
Kyia loves kitties, and animals in general.
She loves children and babies.
She loves movies and music and books and life.
She likes to draw and paint and craft.
She enjoys cooking and eating.
She loves her family and her friends.
She wants to live a long healthy life by trying to eat healthy and exercise.
She has wanted to be a paleontologist, an artist, a musician, a veterinarian, a teacher, and to work in her favourite store(s) for the discount.
She has loved and lost at such a young age.
She has had her blanket and a special stuffy since she was an infant.
She likes to shop and hang at the mall.
She loves camping and vacationing.
Kyia feels deeply. She loves deeply, she cares deeply, and she hurts deeply.
I love her more than there are raindrops during spring showers.
I love her more than there are stars in the sky.
I love her more than myself. I would, without a second thought, give my life for her.
Having her in my life has made me the best person I can be. For her.
She is my treasure. She is my inspiration. She is my hope. She is my joy. She is my blessing. She is my dream. She is my heart. She is my headache. She is my soul. She is my love. She is my daughter.
Single Mom(or dad … Note: I will use mom, but it’s context will actually mean any parent, I am not being sexist or whatever you want to call it this week, I am only using it in this way as I am a single MOM) = Mom who is raising the child independently. The Father (AGAIN NOTE: I am only using father/dad to differentiate, this could in fact be either parent, so don’t go getting your panties in a bunch) is not in the child’s life, does not help financially, emotionally, mentally or physically with the child’s upbringing whether due to death, or because they are a “deadbeat” etc. A single parent is the sole provider for the child.
Note: A single mom is NOT one who does not allow the father to see the child. A single mom is NOT one who pushes an “actual” willing father away.
“Single” Mom = A mom who happens to be single. A mom who has the assistance of the father to help with the upbringing of the child but the parents are not together.
“Wilful single mom”= I believe the mother who does not allow the father access would fit in this category.
Note: If a GOOD man who is ACTUALLY willing to be in his child’s life and help out in any way he can and be unselfish by always putting that child first and the mother does not allow it, she is an evil C^#% and is ruining her child’s life. I HATE these women. I will discuss this more later …
Note: Kyia’s father is the worst kind of deadbeat piece of shit. Why? Because he uses her for his convenience. He shows up after months of no contact, usually to impress someone. He is not in her life, but he shows up enough to confuse and hurt her. He treats his daughter like shit, avoids support payments, lies and manipulates and then tries to make it look like it is all me. Let me do a sum up … if I can. He refuses to see her for years unless it is convenient for him, he uses her, for example, to impress a girl; he will take kyia for a sleepover, Or to make this girl feel sorry for him; he will ask me if he can take Kyia on a day he KNOWS we have plans so when I say no, he can say “see she won’t let me see my daughter”. He refuses to willingly pay child support, it must be garnished from his pay check … if and when he holds a legitimate job. He has refused visitation schedules (which were more than fair). He puts guilt trips on his daughter to make HER cry and feel bad for HIS behaviour. He is one of the 3 people I truly hate(See # 15). He is what I am classifying in this blog as a pretend dad.
I could go on and on and on, but I am veering off topic. So back on track … single mom vs. “single” mom.
As an actual single mom I get very disgusted when mom’s who are “single” moms use the single mom status to get free things. They use the single mom status to use and manipulate people to get what they want. These people are despicable. Let me tell you something. As I mentioned before my above rant, I was lucky enough to have assistance from family and friends when Kyia was younger (Declan, Keira, Viona, My Mother, My aunt Lacey, My aunt Bridget on occasion, even my sister Bree, to name but a few). Because of their help I was able to go back to school and achieve a technology diploma. It was a long hard road, school, work and parenting but I did it. I was a single mom, but as I had so much love, support and help, I did not use my single mother status as a cry for help. I did not need it. (although I did state it on a couple of occasions which I may discuss another time) With that said, let’s say hypothetically that I did not have this support and I did need “outside help”; would I use my single mother status? This is where I would condone using this status, but not abusing it. As I mentioned before, I did on a couple of occasions throw my single mom status into the mix. It helped get me a scholarship to pay for my schooling. It helped in getting assistance to pay for child care while in school. The thing is (for the most part) I mentioned it. I did not request a pity party throwing every pitiful detail of my pathetic life. It was basically an “I am a single mom trying to better our lives” and then I moved on to topic.
So if you are an actual single mom and you legitimately need help every now and again, ask for it. Throw your single mom status into the mix, it works. But do NOT abuse it. Do not take and take and take. Do not expect handouts from everyone. Do not sit your ass on welfare. Do not cry for pity. Get up and do something. Accept peoples charity but only if you need it and/or are bettering yourself otherwise allow that single mom who actually needs it have it.
I am going to go back to what I will call the “wilful single mom”. I hate this woman! If there is a father who truly(I stress the word truly to rule out the pretend dads from this category) wants to be in his child’s life and you are refusing him access you are the lowest of the low. You are that dreaded “C word” most women hate … yes, you are a Cunt. Now keep in mind I am not referring to women who are hiding their child from an abusive man for the safety of their child (or for some LEGITIMATE reason… smoking pot is not a legitimate reason, smoking crack daily in the presence of children is. Social drinking is not legitimate, falling down drunk daily in the presence of children is. He cheated on you is not a legitimate reason, cheated on you with a child (pedophilia) is. Do you see where I am going with this), I am talking about that skank, who out of spite, keeps the child away from the loving father. The woman who will do whatever it takes to hurt the man who left her crazy ass. The woman who uses her child to cause pain and agony to a devoted dad. Do NOT call yourself a single mom if you are this evil shrew. You are not a single mom because you have a second parent willing to be in the life of his child. You have a second parent who is willing to support his child. You have a second parent who is willing to love his child. You are nothing. Just so you know … what is just as bad as this cunt is the piece of shit who PRETENDS (to others) to be that devoted dad. I despise this “pretend dad” too. But this is another topic all together.
Now onto the “single” mom. Just because you and the father are split up does not make you a single mom. If the father is part of the child’s life and upbringing, stop using this status. You do not get to pull the “I am a single mom, pity me” card EVER. You are a mom and you are single. Find a dating site.
I have personally known at least one person from all of these categories of each sex (meaning: I have known at least 1 single mom and single dad, “single” mom and “single” dad as well as wilful single mom and wilful single dad … as well as both the pretend dad (and a mom), the deadbeat (Mom and dad) and the loving parents in each situation) and …I forgot where I was going with that …
So to sum up.
Single mom: Single handily raising the child. Earns the right to ask for help and assistance as a single mom IF NEEDED.
“Single” mom: A mom who is not with the child’s father, but receives support in the upbringing of the child; financially, emotionally and physically. Should NEVER call herself a single mom.
Wilful single mom: Scum of the earth right there next to pretend dad. Should not even be classified as a mom.
He posts the above for her to see.
I hide posts like this from her view.
He puts me down at every chance.
I tell her that he loves her.
He always has better things to do.
I think there is never anything better.
He does not jump on opportunities to spend time with her.
I spend every possible waking moment with her (for the most part)
He had the opportunity to have her every other weekend + 1 day/night a week and refused it.
I made that schedule for her to be with him more, now I get all of her time.
He had the opportunity to spend 2 weeks with her and let it go.
I gave him the option to spend a vacation with her.
He had the opportunity to spend 2 + days with her and opted for 3 hours instead.
I kept these days free for her to spend with him.
He stood her up for dinner.
I have dinner with her every day.
He would not give up a day of work to spend it with her.
I have called in “sick” or taken a vacation day so we could have a mommy/daughter day.
He missed her last 3 birthdays, Christmases and all other holidays in the last 3 1/2 years (not even a phone call).
I NEVER miss a holiday or birthday, even when away for work, I will call and skype.
He consistently Lies to her.
I am honest, with the exception of the withholding of some truths to avoid “bashing him” and/or hurting her.
He Bashes me to her at every chance he gets.
I have only called him an asshole (in front of her) a couple of times, and it has been only when HE makes her cry (and then I apologize for saying bad things about her dad)
He tries to manipulate her.
I encourage her to think on her own.
He upsets her.
I comfort her.
He makes her cry.
I wipe her tears.
He breaks her heart.
I pick up the pieces and put them back together and then give her mine.
He breaks promises.
I keep promises I make.
He uses her when it is convenient for him.
She is never an inconvenience to me.
He “says” he loves her.
I say I love her AND show it.
He “puts her off”
I am always there.
He refuses to see her.
I see her every day.
We lived down the street, he never visits, never takes her.
We move across country, I am being accused of keeping her from him.
He refuses to pay Child Support.
I went back to school, then moved across the country and obtained a good career to better provide for her.
He “can’t afford” child support, birthday gifts or necessities for her, but can buy a new car, beer daily and drugs all the time.
I go without for her constantly so she can have all she needs and more, I rarely buy anything new for myself, drink 1 – 2 drinks maybe 3-4 times a year and don’t do any drug.
He gets mad when I bring her to do things.
I bring her to do things.
He tries to put a stop to our adventures. (see below)
I bring her on adventures anyway.
He refused to give permission (simply a signed letter stating that he is aware and gives permission) for her to cross the border.
I established full custody with exclusive travel rights. (Now we don’t need his permission to go shopping in the states or vacation in Disneyland)
She is worth $285 a month to him. (He told me that if I put a stop to child support payments that he would give up all his “parental rights”)
She is priceless in my eyes, no amount of money would make me give her up.
He does ONLY what HE wants.
I do things SHE likes with her.
He PRETENDS to care.
I do care and prove it.
… Something is wrong here …
He neglects his child…. And I am the deadbeat?
Warning, It is a long one which is drama and bad language filled!
These are exchanges between Elly and Myself. Text from Elly has been copy and pasted with only names changed, so yes, I know some of the spelling is atrocious and difficult to read. But I am not correcting “her” spelling and grammar Errors. Go away Grammar police.
Keep in Mind that Elly is the girlfriend of My daughter’s father. She knows ONLY what he tells her. Most of my story has been kept to myself … until now.
Note: Kyia is 11 years old.
Note: Explanation of names in Page titled “Names”
First Message received from Elly: (Note a bit of explanations, that are not explained below in RED)
Hey Acrimonious Dragon, So I would like to say a couple things. I know you an Sean cant stand each other an that is fine. But im telling you ive never seen a man love a child like he does his. He misses that little girl something bad. I know hes not perfect lol an far from it we have all said an done our shit. But unlike most men who dont want nothing to donwith their child he does he misses her an loves hervas much as you . I just dont understand why I guess this keeps going on. The two of you dont have to or never have to get along ever. But it has to stop effecting the parenting part. I know hes an ass we all know that but he has made big changes an deserves a second chance. Kyia shouldnt be stuck in the middle of all this. I know you couldnt care less if he hurts because you two are bitter with each other. But im with him 24/7 and the past no one can change only the future. Just remember how u felt when you where working out there an she was here how much u missed her an wanted to just see her pretty little face or hear her voice. He goes thru that EVERY single day. I know ur laghing or just dont care but u should you have someone who WANTS to be a dad but cant. Thats sad an im sooo sick of watching the two of yous trying everything an anything to hurt each other selfish is what you guys are that little girl is gonna rebel one of these days because of the two of you. I know I was in Kyias shoes an it hurts to hearvmom say things about dad or mom. You will always be her mom an he will always be her dad an trying to turn her from one another is gonna back fire. It really is it may not be today or tomorrow but one day it will. An this ONE day crap u pulled down here (We, Kyia and I, went “home” for a 1 week vacation) that right there was a control thing my ex does itcall the time an u know something you shouldnt go back on your word on things an yes Kyia wanted to do supper but u knew damn well Sean wouldnt do that an instead of saying as an adult an mother no Kyia I think you an daddy should spend alone time you went with it an that was terrible. Anyways im frustrated with all this back an forth u need to be a mom an tell her not ask. Tell her to call her father spend time with him. Not ask her. Anyways she will thank u in the long run. Thanks mom for making me talk to my father all those years. This is the most fucked up situation I have seen an it needs to stop ur a lucky woman for a man to want his child in his life an want to give you a break by having her for 2 weeks but you cant give up the control. The two of you are so much alike its why u but heads. Its not about control anymore or who has the upper hand its about time with Kyia an that man loves her an misses her dearly. Ive never seen someone pretty much lose there mind every single day missing wanting to just hear there voice its sad what ur doing to him an yet again I know ur prob laughing but its not funny this man is gonna snap hes fuck up Acrimonious Dragon because all he wants is to hear her voice see her beauiful face I know eh shoot him for loving his daughter horrible indivdual. Deat beat dad eh… ridiculous. You won ur out there (We moved away to the other side of the country, to better our life about 2 years ago) shes away from her father you got all rights (I went to court to get legal full custody). As much as you want him erased from ur life an hers hes always gonna be her dad. They will one day have a relationship all on there own when she is old enough to understand that her dad called an texted every single day he loved her every single day she will learn all that on her own that he tried an tried. Im 32 an I am getting a relationship with my dad an im anger I missed all that time cause of my mom but its never to late I guess. Anyways hope you have a great day Acrimonious Dragon an put ur differences aside. Please.
Elly sent Kyia a Guilt filled message about Kyia ignoring her father about 2 days before ( I think she sent me her second message
Second Message Received from Elly: (Sean just received documents requesting a change in Child support from 285/mth to 485/mth) (For approx 7 years Sean was to pay 113/ mth for child support, He rarely made payments. After the approx 7 years the payment was upped to 285/mth….which he only paid for about 6 months when his wages were garnished, He then quit his job and worked under the table. He found a “legit” job again and his wages are being garnished again, He is approx $10,000 in arrears)
This is gettin ridiculous… You think Sean is making all this money??? He’s not I will swear on my kids he makes 427 a week that is it an after he pays for Kyia he has 300 an you want 200 more a month holy shit Acrimonious Dragon. “I” pay for this place my car all the bills cause he can’t afford to after he pays for food an his two bills that’s it money gone. Like we need to survive also an that man works fucking hard an he doesn’t mind paying for his daughter at all. But Jesus Christ Acrimonious Dragon he couldn’t even go get a second job cause u would go after that also an that would beat the purpose. Like you won’t let him see his daughter couldn’t even have her for a couple days when u where here an now you want to fuck him completely over with a bigger payment you are one of the selfish people I’ve come to know. You not only hurting him ur screwing with me also an I’m sick an fucking tried of this bullshit I fuckin sit here an watch that man cry watch him want to give up on everything because of you hold Kyia away. You are unreal. An I’m sick of playing nice an sitting back watching you tear my boyfriend apart the way you are. Yes he can be an ass but that’s between you an him leave Kyia the fuck out of it. He has every god damn right to see his daughter an you do everything in ur power to stop him from being a father. This is retarded an you have gotta everything you wanted but it’s still not enough for you. Must make ya feel good to take EVERYTHING from someone. You are not yet again only hurting him but me as well an you don’t want to piss me off Acrimonious Dragon I’ve been nothing but nice to you an ignored his stories about you to find the true you myself an wow you don’t stop man. Anyways I am done ranting an I hope you set back an look at the big picture an realize what you are doing an change ur ways. Let that man see his daughter when she’s around at least give him that for god sakes he wants her for a week I think he should get her. But that’s just me one mother to another could it wouldn’t feel to good shoe on the other foot an sometimes u gotta suck it up an think how would I feel in that situation??? Right. Have a good one Acrimonious Dragon.
And Finally, My Reply: (which I have not sent… should I? Should I send her a response, or should I just ignore her foolish misguided rants?) (Red text below is more explanation, NOT part of my reply)
Wow, First of all, you mention me “laughing”, but I am not laughing AT ALL, in fact I am utterly disgusted with how WRONG you are! … Except that Sean and I can’t stand each other, which you got right. But first let me tell you why (at least a couple of the reasons): I hate Sean because he treats his daughter like shit. He makes her cry, He hurts her, He neglects her and I have to pick up the pieces of her continuously broken heart. I despise him as only a mother can. Here is why I believe Sean Hates me: I call him out on his bullshit. He hates that I left him. He hates that I am no longer fooled by his lying manipulative ways. He hates that he cannot control me. So here is a bit of background for you … (whether you believe it or not, I do not care) But if you are going to throw your “2 cents” into the mix, you should probably know more than the lies he has been telling you …. I left Sean because he was abusive (I won’t get into those details, but I could write a novel). I was pregnant and had a baby to protect. I left (Mid Alberta) and moved home to the Maritimes. I called Sean almost daily during my pregnancy, why? Because he is her father. He was drunk everyday (as usual). For 5 months I called all the time. Listened to his slurring nonsense, his occasional threats, but made sure he knew the due date and how things were going and where I was and stuff like that … he never seemed to give a shit. But “I” kept trying. Because I too grew up with My mother keeping my father from me. I wasn’t about to do this to Sean (or Kyia!), no matter what a piece of shit he was/is. I wanted my child to have a father. He stayed in Mid Alberta the entire length of my pregnancy; he gave me no support or assistance, financially, or emotionally. I had to live off friends and family because it was a difficult pregnancy and I was barely able to walk let alone work. Did Sean care? Nope, too busy in Mid Alberta partying and sleeping with whatever he could. So I went into Labour 36 hours and had Kyia with Sean nowhere to be seen. He finally showed up to the hospital the day AFTER Kyia was born… HIGH AS A FUCKING KITE!!! He met his daughter on god knows what drugs he was on … but even the nurses were concerned with his state (one of the nurses actually asked me if they should call security!! I obviously told them no!). When I first brought Kyia home from the hospital he spent a lot of time with us… mostly passed out drunk and/or high. He picked a fight nearly every day. (As a side note: I had a few infections after birth and was in pain and moved very slowly for 3-4 months after having her). Quite often Kyia would pee in her diaper at feeding time and he would lose his fucking mind, “change her, she fucking stinks!” he would scream. No matter how much I argued that I would change her when she was done feeding because she is hungry and her diaper is not that full, he would scream and holler and threaten me (He honestly believed that even a tiny dribble of pee needed to be changed immediately, if he had his way, Kyia’s diaper would be changed every 30 damn seconds!!!). On a few occasions, my sister, Bree, who was staying with me would take Kyia and hide in her room, while I had to kick Sean out because he would not stop fighting and screaming… But I always let him back in a day or 2 later … So Kyia would have a dad. I often wish I didn’t, but I did. I moved to another apartment when Kyia was 2-3 months old. It was on at this apartment that I made the decision that Sean could see/take Kyia but ONLY supervised. He is an abusive drunk … no way in hell am I leaving my daughter alone with that!! I want her to know her father and have him in her life, but I want her SAFE! Sean lived with his dad, Eamon. Eamon was with his wife Orla at this time and I trusted both Eamon and Orla. So I agreed to allow Kyia to spend time at their Place. She went over a few times (When it was convenient for Sean). I tried to make a schedule with him at this time and his exact words were “Go fuck yourself cunt, I will take her when I can” So she would sporadically go; 1 weekend here, 1 day there, 2 weekends in a row then no word from him for months. When HE had time for her, it was/is all about HIM. Sometimes he would come spend time with her at my place… or so he would have people believe. He would come over hold her for a few minutes, I would feed her, change her, comfort her when crying and ALL of the parental stuff (I am not sure he EVER changed her). When she would go for her nap, Sean would either make some feeble attempt at sex(which never worked) or pick a fight. More often than not, his visits would end in me kicking him out (sometimes physically shoving him out the door) because of him acting like a jerk in one way or another. He would tell everyone I kicked him out for no reason. He would tell everyone that I wouldn’t let him see his daughter…. You know … the stuff he still says. I actually remember 1 phone conversation quite vividly (this is how fucked up he is)
Sean: Can I see Kyia this weekend?
Me: We don’t have any plans so yeah sure.
Sean (screaming): You fucking cunt you can’t keep my daughter from me!!!
Me (shocked as hell): What the Fuck are you talking about… I just said you can take her.
Sean: (Still screaming): You are always keeping her from me, I will take you to court, You (insert multiple name-calling curse words here)
Me: (screaming back at this point) Who the fuck is with you?
Sean: (and yet still screaming): No one you stupid cunt, I just want to see my daughter!!
Me: (Still Screaming back) You Moron!! You are obviously trying to convince someone that I am keeping her from you, good luck with that. (Hung up phone)
Another time “I” ASKED him to take her. He said yes, then when we were on our way he called back and said no, never mind, he was going out. I had made plans for dinner with friends so I asked his brother Conner to watch Kyia for a couple hours and he initially said yes, then he called back minutes later and apologized that he couldn,t watch Kyia because Sean said he wasn’t allowed!!!
For a second time (Kyia was around 6 or 7 this time) I tried to make a schedule for Sean where he would have her every other weekend AND 1 night every week! I put it all together with a letter and a calendar in a little package and gave it to him, thinking this will surely end this feud. He ripped it up and called me every name in the book and saying things like “I can’t do this I have to work” ….. Ummm …. SO DO I!!! My response was “find a sitter like the rest of us parents do!!” I was a single mom going to school full time and working!! But his job was of course more important … Shit it’s not like he paid child support to help pay for the child care I had/needed!!!!
Do you see where this is going yet Elly?
On MULTIPLE occasions Kyia herself asked Sean if she could go to his house and he ALWAYS had an excuse … I am working. I am busy. I am going out of town. There was always something.
He has made plans with her and then just not shown up, no phone calls, nothing. And for years I lied for him. Daddy probably had to work honey. There was probably an emergency. (knowing full well that he was out getting drunk or high or both) I stopped lying when Kyia was around 6 or 7 and simply would say: “I am not sure, you will have to ask daddy” This is a perfect response, I am not “bashing him” by telling her the truth and hurting her more, and I am no longer a big Liar.
When People are “around he “pretends to care about Kyia and act like it is all me. But Let me tell you Elly, when no one is around to hear him, he Says things a lot differently. He is very sneaky and conniving. The MAIN reason that I do not talk to him is because he will do 1 of 3 things.
Make up an imaginary conversation for whoever is beside him to think the worst of me
Be all fake and nice to put on a show for whoever is near him
The REAL conversation. Where no-one is around and there are no witnesses to hear him call me every name in the book. Yell obscenities at me and threaten me.
So No, I do not speak to him. I do not allow him to play these games with me. IF there is something he needs to know I will text him, you or call his Dad. That is it.
Neither of you has a fucking clue how much I have lied for him and defended him to her; as to hope she will grow up NOT hating him. You think I tell her all this shit, well, I do NOT! When he “beat up” his ex and went to jail, (Note that his story is that she attacked him and he pushed her away and she broke her ankle) I did NOT tell Kyia! I fucking lied for him (because Sean was supposed to take Kyia somewhere that weekend)! When he doesn’t show up for plans, I lie for him!! When He Lies to her, I make excuses for him. When he screams at her, I make more excuses!! I am out of lies and just about out of excuses!
When I was working out west (I worked in the oil sands, 2 weeks away and 1 week home) I made it clear to all who watched Kyia (My mother, My grandmother and my sister), that IF Sean called and wanted Kyia for a day or weekend (with the exception of my week home of course), he had priority … yeah, even then, “I” kept trying. But how often did that actually happen … And YES, Sean was informed of this “rule” as well!!
While out here in Alberta, Kyia said to me “why doesn’t daddy love me” I sat down with her and in a long drawn out way said “Your dad loves you, he just has no idea how to show and display it”
Yes I have slipped up and called him an asshole in front of her … But it is typically on an occasion where she is crying after talking to him… because HE MADE HER CRY!!
So with that all said (and trust me hun, this is a minimal amount of information … I have HUNDREDS (thousands?) more incidents I could tell you about) I will NOW reply to SOME of the things you mentioned in your lovely uninformed note and text message… (I will only respond to SOME for 2 reasons … 1. I replied to some in the explanation above. 2. Some of your comments and/or accusations are so ridiculous that they are not worthy of a response… sorry)
YOU: But unlike most men who dont want nothing to donwith their child he does he misses her an loves hervas much as you. I just dont understand why I guess this keeps going on. The two of you dont have to or never have to get along ever. But it has to stop effecting the parenting part
ME: I do not doubt he loves her. I doubt he knows what to do about it. I think he needs help. I think he is mentally ill and seriously needs help. He is violent and angry. He is delusional and believes his own lies … It is scary really. “This” whatever it is, is NOT affecting “the parenting part”. I am Kyia’s parent. I have always been her ONLY Parent. I am raising a beautiful, smart, kind and considerate young woman with no assistance from her biological father. Parenting is not being affected. Kyia’s emotional damage from her father is the only thing being affected and I am dealing with that on a daily basis.
YOU: I know hes an ass we all know that but he has made big changes an deserves a second chance
ME: A SECOND CHANCE!!!! Sean has had more chances than ANYONE ever deserves!!!
YOU: . I know ur laghing or just dont care but u should you have someone who WANTS to be a dad but cant.
ME: If Sean wanted to be a dad, he had MANY opportunities to do so … He fucked every one of them up.
YOU: An this ONE day crap u pulled down here that right there was a control thing my ex does itcall the time an u know something you shouldnt go back on your word on things an yes Kyia wanted to do supper but u knew damn well Sean wouldnt do that
ME: WOAH. I got news for you. Kyia did not at all enjoy her time with her dad. THAT is why she wanted me there. She felt awkward and uncomfortable. And For your information, I TRIED to convince her to spend a couple hours with him, SHE CRIED!!!!! I offered Sean a full day Monday (and secretly told Kyia that IF she wanted she could stay overnight and spend Tuesday and I would pick her up at 4 on Tuesday providing SHE wanted to) SEAN chose not to book a day off, not my problem. He was told at least 4 weeks ahead of time that we would be in town from the 13th to the 20th He could have booked that whole week off or even called in sick Monday… (MY DAD took the whole week off just to make sure he would be available when we were free… just saying) … about dinner … She only said she wanted to see him again before we left because he put her on the spot … AND I WAS willing to put up with him, for Kyia, over dinner… a man who continuously hurts my daughter, who breaks her heart, who makes her cry … I was willing to suck it up for HER, I even told Kyia that if daddy showed up I might sit at another table so he could have a bit of privacy with her . We sat there for over 2 hours, because she HOPED he would show up. So where exactly do Sean’s priorities lay? They are not with his daughter!!!
YOU: I think you an daddy should spend alone time you went with it an that was terrible. Anyways im frustrated with all this back an forth u need to be a mom an tell her not ask. Tell her to call her father spend time with him.
ME: No, I do not and will not force her to call, talk to or see her dad anymore… because despite me keeping all this BAD information from her, he continues to show her what a piece of shit he is ALL ON HIS OWN!
IF and when SHE chooses to speak to him it is at her discretion. She has her own phone and will answer it when SHE wants …. Kind of like he would only see her when He wanted … Karma is a bitch ain’t she…
YOU: This is the most fucked up situation I have seen an it needs to stop ur a lucky woman for a man to want his child in his life an want to give you a break by having her for 2 weeks but you cant give up the control.
ME: SERIOUSLY!!!! 1. LUCKY! After reading the above, do you still think I am lucky … or would you like to hear MORE!! 2. I gave him the stipulations on her going there for 2 weeks and he basically told me to go fuck myself. She could have gone. HE fucked that up NOT me!!! All he had to do was sign the papers stating I have full custody to avoid court, I HAVE full custody anyway, I always had full custody, because Kyia Always lived with me. I just needed the legal documents so I can take her to Disneyland. We have tried to get him to send a “permission note” so we could cross the border before … He DIDN’T!! So I needed the legal documents so we don’t need his permission to go to Disneyland or shopping across the border or anywhere! He also had to Pay for HER part of the trip and agree to bring her to see my grandmother for a couple hours each week. That was it, Sign papers, pay her flights, and visit Kyia’s great-nanny twice… he refused it all and got nothing. His problem. NOT mine.
He will ONLY see her at his discretion Elly. It has ALWAYS been like that. It is about him, not Kyia. And he can not accept that I will NOT allow that. It SHOULD be about Kyia and her Needs and wants … NOT HIS!
Now on to your text message…
YOU: “I” pay for this place my car all the bills cause he can’t afford to after he pays for food an his two bills that’s it money gone
ME: I am not surprised you pay for everything, He is a mooch. I worked 2 jobs to support his ass at one time. When he did work, he spent all his money on booze and/or drugs. I still paid ALL the bills!!! But alas, I too made excuses for him, just as you are. In the last 14 years I have known him, he has either lived with a woman and/or his father … think about that.
YOU: he doesn’t mind paying for his daughter at all
ME: Oh? Then why does child support ONLY get paid when the courts track him down and garnish his wages? Why is it ANY TIME I have EVER asked him to buy something for her, he refuses!! (with the exception of 2 winter jackets… which I honestly believe Eamon paid for, NOT Sean!) I have had to ask his father to help with things for her on a couple of occasions, because I needed Diapers or food. That sure sounds like someone who wants to support his daughter….
YOU: now you want to fuck him completely over with a bigger payment.
ME: I only want what is fair for Kyia. I pay everything for her and always have. He pays next to nothing, and ONLY when it is forcefully taken from him via garnished wages. Even with what I “asked” for, this is only a small percentage of Kyia’s expenses. The courts will be fair and adjust it to where it needs to be.
YOU: You not only hurting him ur screwing with me also
ME: I am sorry you feel you are caught in the middle. But this is the place you are choosing to be. There is nothing I can do about that. I truly am sorry you are hurting over this. My intentions are what is best for Kyia, not to “screw” anyone over.
YOU: you don’t want to piss me off Shawna.
ME: I surely hope this is not a threat Elly. I truly do. As I know you are upset, due to believing Sean’s Lies, I am willing to let that slide and pretend it was not said for the time being.
YOU: Let that man see his daughter when she’s around at least give him that for god sakes he wants her for a week I think he should get her
ME: He has had so many chances to see her. He screws them up, not me. The choice is up to Kyia now
So to sum up Elly; I appreciate that you care about Kyia, but, I think you better KNOW ALL sides before you throw your 2 cents in. Also as a side note, If you EVER attempt to guilt my daughter again, you will be blocked from her. I know you think you were only trying to help by sending her that text message, but you upset her a lot. There was nothing really “bad” to speak of, other than you made her feel bad. Her father neglects her and she has to deal with that and then you make her feel bad about being upset with his neglect. Not good. Not good at all. She has every right to feel the way she does about her father, because HE made her feel that way. Not Me or anyone else. HE did it all on his own.