Category Archives: Family

Is Education Free in Canada? NO!!!!

Not in Alberta! Maybe I am overreacting … Maybe I am not …

When I realized (in January) that despite my best efforts I still did not have a job and could not afford to pay Kyia’s school fees, which I had been putting of in the hopes that I would find a job and be able to pay them, I requested a “Fee Waiver” from The Calgary Board of Education (CBE). This was VERY hard for me. Between my pride and my anxiety, it made me cry that I had to “ask for help”.HighFees But there is no possible way for me to afford the nearly $400 they want for school fees. YES you read that right. $400 fucking dollars per year (PLUS the hundreds they want you to pay for field trips, and additional school activities throughout the year) for a “FREE” education. I understand that some SMALL fees (Small=$25-$50 MAX) may be acceptable but $400+ is just outrageous!! This is Canada for fuck sake. How in the fuck does CBE justify approx $400 they say noon super vision, transportation, school supplies etc….
1. My child does not get supervised at noon!! She is in grade 8 and leaves the school grounds most days. And seriously!! These pussy-ass fucking teachers who BARELY even teach kids any more can’t SHARE lunch supervision?? I respect teachers, don’t get me wrong…well I used to…but these days it seems the teachers need to be coddled and babied. They don’t teach our children the things they need. They baby them by “passing” everyone. They rarely discipline (I don’t mean straps, just detention or even a goddamn scolding!). And they cut out essential core studies … like Cursive and multiplication tables!!! The teachers need to “man-the-fuck-up” and TEACH our kids! …oh I am going off topic … The teachers are paid for their day in their salaries … They should NOT get extra to monitor lunch hours. This should simply be mandatory shared tasks INCLUDED IN THEIR FUCKING JOB!!!!
2. Transportation … I cannot bitch much about this one really… Because we live in a different school zone, my daughter does not take school buses. We chose to not send her to the school in our zone so I am not “charged” this (additional $335) fee and I buy her a monthly transit pass to get to school. However … I believe the rate for school bus transit is a bit much … I have not fully researched all of the other provinces, but I do KNOW that the majority of the provinces do not have this fee!! (Or ANY of these overpriced fees!)
3. School supplies … Oh this one makes my blood boil!! I BUY HER SCHOOL SUPPLIES!! The BUDGET Buys teacher supplies. What the actual fuck is this bullshit!! I go out and spend $100 ish dollars on the LIST that the CBE gives out for instructional supplies and then they try to charge me (Approx $150)for more!! You don’t pay … they THREATEN YOU!!! New Brunswick School fees $25 and buy your own school supplies OR $35 School supplies INCLUDED (NO transportation fee, NO supervision fee, NO Bullshit!!). If you don’t pay, you don’t get threatened, you just don’t get the school planner. FUCK YOU CBE!!! FUCK YOU!!! Greedy fucking dickface CBE!! Again, FUCK YOU!

https://www.albertacanada.com/opportunity/settle/education.aspx
Alberta Canada -Education

Anyhoo, Back to the “Fee Waiver”, I was apparently never approved…Yesterday I received an email from the CBE basically threatening me. Pay or we will send you to collections!! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!! I sent an email stating that I applied for fee waiver months ago…ATTACHING the original email and including a snippit from their webpage showing that I had applied. The message they sent back was that I need a “Child Health Benefits card”. Um. No. No I fucking don’t! I am not going to the goddamned government begging for fucking anything. It is bad enough that I am back on the dreadful EI. I will not go to them for ANYTHING (unless absolutely necessary… like EI because work is scarce and I need fricking money…also I paid into that shit). So I told them that (in a nicer way) I simply said, “I do not need nor want a benefits card. You have my financial information. That is all you need. They came back with basically a too bad, that is our policy. You have to go to Alberta Works and basically apply to be low-income and get that Child Health Benefits Card. Are you fucking kidding me!!! I lost it. I literally walked away from the computer and left my reply until this morning. Which was still kind of nasty…because I am still PISSED So Here is what I sent off:

“To whom it may concern,
I have submitted a fee waiver and have forwarded my EI income information already- MONTHS ago!! You threaten to send me to collections KNOWING that I can NOT afford to pay these fees. I am disgusted that you will NOT approve the fee waiver just because I am not on social assistance/Welfare?! I am on EMPLOYMENT INSURANCE! I have ALREADY stated this! I do NOT need nor want a health benefits card and there is NO reason that I should be forced to get some letter calling/labeling me “low-income” or forced to get this health card thing. YOU have my financial information!! Why do you want to embarrass, belittle and STRESS people and families by forcing them to announce to the world that they are poor? I have enough stress and anxiety in my life, I sure as heck do not need The Calgary School Board adding to it! I have shared my financial woes with you, yet you want me to go to a multitude of others announcing my struggles. This process is despicable. This process is WRONG. I have sent you the information and there is no reason for you to force me to embarrass and stress myself further. I am on EI. I make LESS than 2000 per month. My rent, bills and food expenses meet and sometimes exceed that amount. Last year I made under $40,000 and the ONLY reason it was that “high” is because I did work for 6 months of the year…but still technically below the poverty line! Unfortunately I was let go in early October, JUST after an emergency trip to NB (that I am STILL trying to pay off!) leaving me unemployed and BROKE. I expect The Calgary School Board (or ANY school board for that matter) to be a bit more respectful and understanding to people in these situations. When YOU are provided with sufficient financial information to approve a family for a fee waiver. JUST DO IT! Don’t send them to the government agencies. Don’t send them to the school. Don’t force this embarrassment onto them. And for God sake do NOT Threaten them!!! Just take that information and make the darn approval. We live in CANADA. Education is supposed to be FREE!!!! Maybe it is my pride talking or maybe it is my social anxiety, It does not matter, DO not force people into uncomfortable situations. Period. Now please look into this. Thank you.”

Too much? Should I be this Mad? Am I over-reacting? I don’t think so. Why? …

freeeducationEducation is MANDATORY in Canada. Education is a RIGHT in Canada. Education is FREE in Canada. FREE you fucking idiots. FREE. Not $400 dollars or we will send you to collections. FREE!

So Now I apparently have to go to the principal of my daughters school and beg them to approve the waiver “in house” …what a fucking hassle for this free education. Did I mention…

FUCK YOU CBE and FUCK YOU ALBERTA EDUCATION!!!

FU

First Boyfriends and the Panicked Mom.

So Kyia has her first boyfriend … How the fuck do I deal with this!!! My mind is scattered all over the place with this one. Inside I am freaking-the-fuck-out!! Outside, I am playing the cool mom whom Kyia can tell everything to … It is killing me!!So lets go over some points …

I was a teen girl once, but at 13 I had no boyfriends and little interest in the idiots I went to school with…seriously, one or 2 of them WERE cute, I suppose… BUT Assholes and Morons!! Sure I had crushes on “celebrities” like Jon Bon Jovi, Jason Bateman, Charlie Schlatter and “Bo Duke” (John Schneider) also …. ummm … well …*cough**cough* Jon Knight *cough**cough* and maybe *cough**cough* *cough**cough* Wil *cough**cough* Wheaton *cough**cough*  But, Well, Believe it or not, as the saying goes … “sweet 16 and never been kissed”. I was actually 16 when I had my first “real” boyfriend and my first kiss and lost my virginity (I say “real” because I had a boyfriend named Jimmy when I was 4 or 5 that probably lasted like a day. And I actually had a Boyfriend at 14 … but I literally said yes to this dip-shit just to get him to leave me alone. *Eyeroll* He bugged me and asked me to be his girlfriend over and over and I repeatedly told him “no” over and over until I finally said FINE! We lasted 3 days… when we went swimming and he pushed my, unable to swim, little sister into the deep end of the pool … I dumped him and threatened him that if I ever saw him again, I would beat the shit out of him … I never saw him again…I was a little “rough around the edges” and tough as nails with a temper that would scare Satan when I was younger. LOL). So back on point, I went fast, or so I think I did, now… I had my first boyfriend and first kiss, 6 months later we broke up and I got my second boyfriend and just over a month together, I lost my virginity … Terrifying! But this plays in my mind, this and KNOWING how boys think and what they think about … *shudder*  Despite still being a girl and having girly thoughts and feelings (that I hid) I grew up, kind of “tomboy-ish”. I have always been “one of the boys” I relate better with the guys… frilly, prissy, catty chicks piss me the fuck off!  Being “one of the boys” allowed the guys to speak freely around me… so yes, I KNOW how and what they think. Anyhoo…As a teen girl, if my mother told me no … well I did it out of spite. My mother said I can’t hang out with a certain person? I would do it more. My mother said I can’t go out? I jumped out my bedroom window. I know better than to pull the “Your too young for a boyfriend” crap … that will make her want it more! So ….

I play the cool mom. Kyia informed me of her crush a couple of months ago, and she told me as soon as he asked her out (about 3 weeks ago). She told me when he tried to kiss her (a few times) and how she dodged it and she told me when she did finally let him kiss her (last weekend!!)…I died inside, just sayin…She trusts me enough to tell me these things. Why? Because, despite the fucking devastating bomb that just detonated in my guts I hold it together and smile and talk to her about it…or just smile and say something nice … depending on both of our moods. She trusts that I am not going to tell the whole planet about them. She trusts that I am not going to tease and ridicule her (much). She trusts that I am going to be there for her. She KNOWS that I am her best friend … no matter how much she pretends it is the other kids… lol. She knows. She trusts. I listen. I respect.

My insides are going to cause a nuclear meltdown. I mean seriously … I suffer from Anxiety, occasional Depression (which is currently “on”), a little OCD and over-protectiveness …. and My baby girl has her first boyfriend!!! PANIC ATTACK in effect!! The emotions and thoughts are running rampant! Kissing, Sex, Heartache, STD’s, PREGNANCY!! OMG OMG OMG, Breathe!! Breathe!! A woman I used to work with has a 15 year old daughter who just had a baby … that is fucking retarded!!! When I was a teenager, A girl I knew who was 12, TWELVE, got pregnant! Jesus Christ! 12 and 15 years old, That IS a baby!! AIDS… need I say more! And for fucks sake what am I going to do when her heart is broken …although I do have LOTS of experience here since her dad has been breaking her heart for 13 fucking years ..fucking scum bag piece of shit dead beat…. but seriously … I know I “look” like I am holding it all together, but I am not. I want to tell her “NO dating until you are 16 (or 40)!” I want to scare that boy away! I want to ground her for life and move to a secluded island where there are no boys! I want to cry!!! There is so much responsibility that comes with boyfriends, love and sex. there is so much danger in it if one is not mature enough and or prepared. AND in this day and age, parents should be DRILLING information and facts on Sex, Pregnancy and STDs into their teenagers heads! Scare the shit out of the little bastards so that they will never have sex … hey! A mom can dream!! This is NOT the earlier 1900s when talking sex is Taboo … TALK TO YOUR FUCKING KIDS!!! Yes, it is awkward and uncomfortable, but I talk to Kyia about her menstrual period, boys, sex, STDs, Pregnancy, drugs and so-on. We both hate it, yes, but I want her informed. So we talk … sometimes too much … she gets so annoyed when I go on and on and on …. Hell sometimes I annoy myself! lol… So I “try” to have these talks in small doses, when a topic arises. Have we had all of “the” talks? No not yet, but she is 13 and we are starting them….also I need time to mentally prepare ME for these talks! THIS on top of the teenage “attitude… I think I am going to die!

The Boy … Kyia had him over this weekend. They hung out all day and we brought them out to Dinner. I drilled him with Questions…nothing too crazy… what do you like to do? got brothers or sisters? pets? You know, those type questions … they may get more “difficult” with each visit… muahahahaha! He SEEMS like a pretty good kid. He is Athletic, Plays (and is apparently fairly obsessed with) Basketball. He plays for the school and (I think) for a city team and he watches the NBA and he plays video game basketball. He is quiet and a little shy. He is in Band. He “used to” play World of Warcraft. He played D&D once. He lives with his dad. He seems smart. The boy has a nerdy side (BONUS!). But … His preferred music Genre is Rap… could he pick a worse (IMO) Genre… fak…Well everyone has flaws I guess. He talks more quietly than Kyia. He is too shy (and indecisive) to make a decision. They took a trip to the park for a couple hours and we had our dinner trip, but other than that, they hung out in her room most of the day…with the door WIDE open and Momma “passing by” randomly. I caught him attempting a kiss at one point and went right in the room and sat my ass down… both of them bright red … I sat there for a good 10-15 minutes just “chatting” away. I didn’t know how to react. I wanted to grab him by the scruff of the neck and throw him out the window…or through the wall! But instead, I calmly interrupted his attempt and sat down to continue the interruption. NO Kissing in my presence!! NO Kissing in my house!! I know they have kissed (now keep in mind this is 13 year old kissing… pecks on the lips) and I am not going to ground her over it, but I do NOT condone it. I do NOT approve of it. She is my Baby!!!

rules

What I am doing … reading, researching and communicating…also breathing, a lot of calming deep breaths and crying… a lot of very emotional cries … I recently had someone (a couple someones actually)  tell me, Just tell her not to do it. She is too young, do not allow it. But realistically … She is 13. Boys are a part of her life. Teenage attitude, especially if she is anything like her mom, can be very spiteful. So it is MY opinion that in MY circumstance,  MY parenting for this is to make sure she is informed. To make sure they always have a chaperone (of sorts) even if it is a group of friends. But to do that I need to inform myself so….

I bought this baby from chapters a few days ago: Parenting a Teen Girl: A Crash Course on Conflict, Communication and Connection with Your Teenage Daughter

and this one I bought the same day from Audible – the audio format to listen to in the car: Smart but Scattered Teens: The “Executive Skills” Program for Helping Teens Reach Their Potential

and I think this one is next … but for the 2 of us to go over together: Being a Teen: Everything Teen Girls & Boys Should Know About Relationships, Sex, Love, Health, Identity & More

I will get through this. I will get through this. I WILL get through this.

 

 

 

 

Failure. I feel like a failure.

Why do I feel like such a failure today? Why is today such a bad day? Why am I so depressed today?

Let me start with a little back history for any noobs who are not aware of “me”. I am a single mother who for the last 10 + years suffers from Anxiety and for the last 2 years, progressing Depression…meaning every day seems a little worse.  My daughter’s father is a lying, scumbag, deadbeat, abusive, alcoholic/drug addict, piece of shit. My family is filled with cunts and assholes. My childhood was shit. My adult life is shit. And well I feel like shit.

Today is a VERY bad depressing day. I literally forced myself out of bed today…twice. I really just want to go back, but for now maybe some blog therapy will help….? Doubtful, but let’s give it a go, writing it out does occasionally help so let’s see…if not maybe I will colour. It all started yesterday (actually it started WAY before that, but for the sake of this post, we will say yesterday) when Finn got an interview and was offered the job during the interview…now hold on to your judgement… back up a tiny bit with a sum up, Finn was laid off 8 months ago. In the last 8 months he applied for ONE fucking job (Actually I think there may have been a second one that I harassed him into applying for), got an interview and the job. I spent every goddamn day (well every weekday and occasional weekend days) for the last 7 months looking through thousands of postings, going to/cold calling dozens of companies, applying for HUNDREDS of jobs and attending dozens of interviews and job fairs. So yes, despite my happiness that Finn is finally getting off his lazy ass, I am resentful and bitter that I work so hard and he does next to nothing. No, I shouldn’t be and I try to fight it and hide it but this is what depression AND anxiety does to a person. All I can think about is how un-fucking-fair this is. “They” say good things happen to good people… Well Fuck “them”, fucking liars. When the fuck is my “good” going to happen? I do good deeds ALL the time, Despite (currently) being classified as poor, I still give to charities and those in need, I am kind to people, despite not liking people very much, I care WAY too much. I help people even after they lie to me, abuse me, cheat on me, betray me and/or hurt me. I often go without so others have. Yet, here I am, a 40 year old fucking failure who can’t get nor keep a fucking job despite being, hard working, reliable, honest, punctual, ethical and intelligent…? (Maybe I am not that smart, maybe I am getting dumber by the fucking day, that sure is how I feel lately) and whose daughter is a selfish, ungrateful, materialistic, entitled, spoiled brat. And that brings me to today’s set off.

I had a little vent with Kyia this morning, after a horrible sleep due to “someone’s” tossing and turning and alarm at 4am (Because you know, when one needs to be a 30 minute drive away at 7 one must get up at 4… asshole). I was a bit cranky and I made a complaint about Finn not only not applying for the better paying job that I pointed out to him a couple days ago but also not even looking into it (Double pay compared to the job he just took, also better job with better company). So after that mini rant Kyia started her own (very teenage snotty) rant about Finn better apply for the other job because she is tired of being poor…Wait… what the fuck. You need to understand that while we are FAR from rich, and are actually what one might consider “poor” (at the moment, I have had some good jobs over the years, but right now I am on EI) we get by with NO help and I make sure that we live as if Finn’s income doesn’t exist, without him, we can live as we are now. (Because I swore when My own sister fucked me over that I would NEVER rely on anyone or anything again … I know, kind of petty but you don’t understand how horribly I have been hurt, betrayed and ripped off by my own family…over and over…So no one ever again will have me in any kind of state of dependence and invulnerability). My daughter gets everything she needs and almost everything she wants (which granted, has been a bit less the past few months). Despite being on EI for the better (worst?) part of the last 2 years (wait before I start this list, remember that a lot of this was purchased while I was working in decent jobs and with savings and such. Don’t you dare judge me and what I spend MY money on!!). Her entire wardrobe is Lulu Lemon, Bench, Nike, Roots, Converse, Thrasher, Brandy Melville, Pink etc… you get the point, all expensive name brands. She has her own custom built computer in her room she has a brand new phone, an ipod and TWO UE Mega-booms!! She HAD 2 tablets but destroyed them with her destructively jamming in the charger this also happened with 2 of her phones and yet although I refused to replace the tablet the second time, She always manages to get a new phone. She goes to ALL of her school events, which ALWAYS cost money, I buy her a monthly bus pass so she can attend the school her friends go to which is not in our district, I bought her hundreds of dollars of art supplies because she wanted it and she never touched it (this has actually happened with many “fad” things! …We have a Wii U so she could play Zelda and wii-fit, she doesn’t touch it, and an Atari – the new one with 101 games pre-loaded, because she wanted it to play frogger, she hasn’t touched it). I drive her all over hells creation because her 2 best friends live 20 minute drive away from us … in opposite directions!! I give her money whenever she needs it and almost always when she asks. Our fridge and cupboards are ALWAYS filled with food, good fresh food. She has her own space heater in her room in case she gets cold and that’s just the tip of the iceberg. FFS. So I snapped at her, I actually forget exactly what I said but it was something like “I am sorry if this life I have fought to provide isn’t good enough for you, but too goddamn bad!”

She had the fucking nerve to continue with “but I haven’t got anything new in a long time” … Christmas which brought in THOUSANDS of dollars in new clothes was less than 5 months ago!!! AND EASTER was just last fucking month (granted, Easter is a lot smaller, she did get new “roots” shorts and socks and the Atari)!! I lost it! I yelled. I literally yelled at her. Sure I raise my voice at her at times, but yelling is a rarity. I was so fucking mad that I called her selfish, I called her ungrateful, I called her selfish again, I called her materialistic and I called her selfish again. I freaked. And when I realized that my parenting skills of trying to raise a kind, thoughtful, Grateful, appreciative, daughter failed, I stormed off into my room, slammed the door and stayed in there crying for hours. I didn’t even walk her to the door when she left for school. I didn’t give her a hug and kiss goodbye. And I didn’t tell her I love her. I sat in my room and cried. I cried in disappointment, I cried in failure, I cried in depression. And then of course I started thinking about all the things that make me a failure and I cried some more. Of course it is my fault. I go without so that she can still have this stuff. I go without so she can have her lulu lemon tights, and roots jogging pants. I go without so she can have her Pink sweaters and Brandy Melville shirts. I go without so she can take the bus to the school she wants. I go without so she can get drives to her friends. I go without so she can have a phone. Maybe I gave her too much. Maybe I spoiled her too much. Now all that matters is her and her stuff. I spent the last 13 years suffering through hellish stressful days and shitty jobs. Suffered immensely just for her to become selfish and ungrateful. I did this. I can’t even express my disappointment in both her and myself. I can’t even express my hurt. I know she is only 13 but she watches me struggle every day and still throws being poor in my face. I can’t even. I just can’t. Because I am not depressed enough and I apparently don’t feel bad enough about myself and I don’t feel useless enough. I have never been so disappointed in my fucking life. I sit in my room and cry because I thought I raised her better. Guess not. I guess all my efforts have failed. Failed. Just like me.

So what do I do now? Is there still time to save her from becoming this person, this selfish and ungrateful bitch (NO, I am not calling my daughter a bitch, dumbass, I am asking how to stop her from becoming one!). Do I clean out her room, taking away everything that she holds dear, all of her expensive “stuff” INCLUDING her clothes and phone? Maybe ONLY shop at Wal-Mart and Value Village. Shall I give her the worst Christmas and Birthdays ever by giving her nothing? Grading present? NOPE! Shall we not go see another movie or not another meal out? Shall I transfer her to the school in our district so she can walk or take the school bus and miss all of her friends? Shall I make her live off of shitty ass cheap food? Corn flakes, Kraft dinner, Mr. Noodles and hot dogs EVERY day? No more drives. Anywhere. No more comping trips or day trips. What? There is a new “item” she wants. NO! FFS. How does a depressed parent, who can barely get out of bed teach a 13 year old to be appreciative … especially when the depressed parent feels like she has nothing to be grateful for most days …

 

I hate you, Mom.

Two nights ago, Kyia and I had a huge ass daughter hates mother, mother thinks daughter is a disrespectful and ungrateful brat fight that lasted about 6 hours (well 3-4 hours of it was calmer and involved talking and discussing and compromising). We both said some hurtful things. I fucked up by bringing her deadbeat fathers name into it. 13 years of keeping my insults and hatred towards him to a minimum (in front of her) and mostly hidden came flying out. I may have slipped up and spewed about his abuse … she never knew. I always just say “we just didn’t get along” when she has asked about why we broke up or are not together. I hate myself for that (the fuck up, not the break up). I didn’t give a lot of details, but I said more than enough, more than I ever should have. She did not EVER need to know about the abuses I encountered at the “hands” of her father. I am so sorry for this. I know it did not help at all. I know. In fact there is a chance I made things worse. As a child who had a mother who spewed insults and hatred about her father, I know the resentment I feel towards it.

Back on track. During this fight Kyia glared at me with what looked like hatred in her eyes and said in her nasty hateful tone, “What exactly do you ever do for me?” First, I laughed. Really Child? Someday you will be a parent and you will know that the things a mother does for her child are unlimited. The short answer to that question is “literally everything!” The long answer is much more detailed and complex. This is what I want to talk about today.

What have I done/ do I do for my daughter?

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Well, there are the obvious things such as, I put a roof over her head, food in her belly and clothes on her back. I give her all the necessities of life. But let’s dig deeper and be clearer. I am not going to point out “everything” I do, I don’t have the time or space for that, there is just too much. I am going with what I think is important right now. Kyia, my answer to your question (FYI, before you get all high and mighty and self-righteous, this is the answer that she won’t be actually getting …at least not the “your father is an abhorrent dick ones).

I left your father for you. He was a violent alcoholic, a liar and a cheater. He was possessive and controlling. He was an abusive scumbag. He was mentally, emotionally and sexually abusive. He was on his way to being physically abusive, it was only a matter of time. I had my bags packed and was making plans to leave when I found out I was pregnant. Being raised without a father, I decided to stay a bit longer to try and work things out. I hoped that the idea of being a father would make him a better person…it works this way with most people… not with him. He did not get better, he actually started to get worse. So after about 3 months, to protect you from his abuse, I left. I moved across Canada to be surrounded by loved ones. You gave me the strength to protect you. I left him for you.

I endured pregnancy and child birth for you. When discovering my pregnancy I cried for 3 days straight. Literally. Barely slept, barely ate. Could not stop crying. There were two reasons for this sniveling sob-fest. The first being the father. I would be stuck with this vile douche bucket for the rest of my life if I had a baby! The second, I did NOT want children. Ever. I considered my options, all of them. It took me 3 days to realize, yup, I want this child. I fell in love with you. My love for you outshined my hatred for your father and my annoyance with other people’s children. I wanted to love you, raise you and protect you. I then spent the next 8 months suffering cramps daily, nausea constantly, dizziness, pregnancy brain and extra stress. I did not have an easy pregnancy. I did not have the worst pregnancy, but it was not easy. I was not the glowing mom-to-be as a lot of pregnant women are. I was sick every fucking day. I was in pain, every fucking day. I suffered, every fucking day. I spent 36 hours in labour. During your birth I ripped. I ripped 13 stitches worth of ripping. I ended up with a UTI AND an infected tear down there. My Vagina felt like it was on fire for 6 weeks! It did not want to heal. I endured pregnancy and child birth for you.

I protect you. I protect you from your father.  If he had his way when you were an infant, he would have taken you only to show off to some chick while they were getting drunk and high while you slept, likely on a bed in which you could fall off. I made the rule that he could only “take” you IF he was with suitable supervision, His father and his father’s wife (ex now) mostly. I knew your grandfather would keep you safe. I allowed you to go there anytime they wanted you. But only if your grandfather was there. I protect you from yourself. You do some stupid things. If I let you do every little thing you “wanted” to do, spur of the moment, you would be in a casket in no time. I will not be having that. I don’t allow you to touch the fire, I do not allow you to run in front of cars, I do not allow you to jump off bridges. I do these things, not to be mean and hurt you, but to protect you. I protect you from others. I talk to you about strangers and the dangers they could impose. I teach you that when you are in trouble (or even think you are) to get help from a trusted adult (mom, police, teacher etc.). I protect you from as much as I can without putting you in bubble wrap … or at least not too much bubble wrap. I protect you.

I fight for you. I fight you. I fight your dad. I fight my anxiety. I fight myself. I do not like to fight. When we fight, it is usually because I am trying to have you behave in a more respectful manner. I do not want you to grow up to be hated by people because you are a disrespectful, hateful spoiled brat. I want you to learn that you need to treat others as you want to be treated and if you are mean, there will be repercussions. When I fight with you, I am fighting for you. I fight with your dad for you. I fight my depression and anxiety every minute of every day. It pains me to be such a worrier. It pains me that I just want to stay in bed all day. It pains me that I have no motivation. It pains me that I have no strength. But for you I fight it all. I force myself out of bed. I force myself to let you out of my sight despite the scariest imaginable thoughts racing through my head about the worst case scenarios that could happen to you. I force some fake motivation so that we can do things such as road trips or Day trips to the zoo or even a quick visit to the mall. I force the strength to be your mom. I could easily just lay in bed and let you do whatever you please, but what kind of person would you be? I need the strength to tell you no and to hold you accountable for your actions. It is a daily battle. I fight daily for you.

I take blame for you. How many times did I tell your father that you “weren’t allowed to go” when in reality you did not want to go, so he would be angry with me and not you. How many times have I told you to blame me if you need to hang up on him, to tell him I took the phone and hung up. When you wanted to leave Bree’s house, during our visit home, because “she is mean”, I said it was me who didn’t want to stay there (although that was true as well, we left because YOU did not want to stay). I take the blame when you will be the one hurt otherwise. If someone will retaliate and be angry with you, I take blame for you.

I went to school for you. I would have been content working at menial jobs for a long time and likely never would have had the ambition to further my education. But having a baby changed that. Your life is too precious to me to raise you on “welfare” or in poverty. I needed an actual education in order to support you and give you the life I never had, to give you the life you deserve. I spent 6 years struggling every day, trying to find a balance of school and home. I studied, I fought, I cried, I begged, I pleaded, I tried, I passed and I failed. It was the most difficult 6 years of my life. I went back to school for you.

I moved across Canada (again) for you. I needed a job. The whole theory of going back to school in order to get a better job to support you was destroyed in NB. Despite my graduating a very good course, work in NB is scarce. The only way I could succeed was to move where the jobs were. So we moved. I didn’t really want to, deep down, but we did. I moved for you.

I stay for you. I want to go home. I want to be near my family, friends and the support they offer. Since we moved away there have been a lot of opportunities that have opened up in the Maritimes. I want to go home. I actually don’t like it here much. I have met some nice people, made a new friend or 2, but it just isn’t working for me. But I know deep down that you are happy here. You have friends. You have more opportunity here. So, I stay for you.

I went to court for you. Your repugnant deadbeat father decided he would refuse to sign a letter allowing me to take you into the states. Not because he thought we would stay there, but just because he is a dick and would do anything to hurt me and piss me off. He told you he would send a letter so we could go to the Seattle zoo, he told me to fuck off. He refused to send one allowing me to take you to Disneyland during the only time we were financially able to do so. So I spent hours talking to councillors, I spent weeks researching, I spent days filling out paper work and I spent hundreds of dollars so I could get “legal” full custody with the travel clause (Meaning I do not need his permission to leave the country with you). I went to court for you.

I taught you and I teach you. You knew your alphabet and numbers and how to write them and your name by the time you were 3, you didn’t learn that on your own. I helped you learn how to walk. I taught you not to touch the stove (without shoving your hand on the burner like parents did in the “old days”, yikes). I am teaching you to cook. I taught you cursive. I am teaching you multiplication. I am teaching you how to memorize. I taught you to be kind. I taught you to be thoughtful. I taught you to be respectful. I taught you these things by doing them myself. When we went out at Christmas time with our little candy packs, I taught you to be giving. When I give you a toonie to give to the busker, I am teaching you to be caring (and kind and giving and empathetic and an array of other characteristics). When I told you we do not give money to people unless they are doing something (people on the street “bumming” money vs the guy with the guitar playing a song or the homeless guy trying to sing), I am teaching you that you need to work for or earn what you want. When I tell you why I am putting on my blinker, I am teaching you to drive. When I scold you for interrupting me when I am talking, I am teaching you patience and to not be rude. When I say no, I am teaching you that life will not always give you what you want. When I lecture you for being rude, I am teaching you to be respectful. By not giving you everything you ask for, I am teaching you to be grateful.  When I punish you for misbehaving, I am teaching you that there are consequences. When I hug you when you are sad, hurt or crying, I am teaching you compassion. When I make your breakfast, hug you, drive you to your friends, read to you, laugh with you and do any little thing for you, I am teaching you love. I teach you.

I punish and discipline you. You think punishment is a bad thing, but it is not. I don’t beat you or abuse you. I try to punish you to fit the “crime”. You fall behind on school work because you are too busy snapchatting friends, you lose your phone. You room is a mess after being told to clean it every day for a week, no sleepovers this weekend. Punishing you teaches you. I scold you, I lecture you and I ground you. It teaches you that you cannot do “whatever you want” It teaches you there are consequences to your actions (or lack thereof), it teaches you to not slack off and to not be an asshole. I discipline you.

I nurture, comfort and care for you. I care for you and attend to all of your needs. I promote your growth through love, discipline and hard work. When you are sick, I go to the store and get you apple juice, ice cream and chicken noodle soup. I get you blankets and serve you. I take your temperature and help you to feel more comfortable. I bring you to the doctor and hospital if necessary. When you are sad, angry or upset, I am the one sitting by your side holding you as you cry. I am the one reminding you that I am here for you and everything will be ok. I am the one who nurtures, comforts and cares for you.

I am your maid and I cook for you. I pick up after you constantly. Sure, lately I have started making you do it, but that is because you have started doing nothing. You have become lazy and began taking advantage of my “spoiling you” (for lack of a better term). But I still pick up after you a lot. I make your breakfast, lunch and dinner every day. Yes there are occasional exceptions where I may say “screw it, I am not cooking” and make everyone reheat leftovers or chomp on “snacky” stuff. There are also occasions where we eat out at a restaurant. For the most part, I cook or make all of your meals. I bake often providing you with a healthier and tastier alternative to all the junk cookies we could buy in the store. I do 90% of the chores so that you have more time for you, your studying and your friends. I cook so you eat and I clean so you do not live in filth. I clean and I cook for you.

I attend for you. Every play you act(ed) in. Every music concert you play(ed) in. Every music lesson you attend(ed). Every parent teacher meeting. Every sporting event you participate in. Every Tuesday and Thursday for Tae Kwon Do practice for 2 years. Every birthday party you have. Every hospital visit. Every playdate you enjoy. Every drop off or pick up you need. I attend all of your functions, for you.

I miss work for you. If you are sick or have a play, I miss work. I will call in “sick” to stay home and help you. I will call in sick just to have a mommy/daughter day (but only once a year…I have to keep my job, when I have one, for you too!). I will stay home to attend events and functions. But if “I” am sick, I will usually go to work. If there is a function that I want to attend, I will still go to work. I stay home from work for you.

I fuck up. I am not perfect. I try my hardest and do everything I can to mould you into a caring, kind, intelligent, loving, thoughtful young woman. I do everything I can to help you learn about and understand life. I attempt over and over to teach you lessons to survive on this god-awful planet. But I mess up. Just the other night, divulging you fathers abuse towards me, that was a fuck up. Just like when I let my emotions get the better of me and I over react. Just like when I lose my temper over “not good enough” school work. I am human and I fuck up.

I am your mom for you! I kill spiders and bugs. I open jars. I forgive. I listen. I take you shopping. I get you a drink. I fix things that won’t work (or at least I try to). I tell you stories. I find your lost things. I let you stay up late on weekends. I make sure you get to school. We go to the zoo. I feed you. I clothe you. I give you privacy. I am here. I will never leave. I bought you a bed. I clean up your vomit when you are sick. I do your laundry. I buy groceries. I make your doctor appointments. I bring you to those doctor appointments. I tuck you in. I kiss you goodnight. I walk you to the door. I changed your diapers. I stayed awake all night to keep an eye on you. I’ve bathed you. I’ve washed you. I carried you. I hug you. I play board games with you. I picked your nose. I taught you to ride a bicycle. I wake up early. I took you fishing. I held your hand. I bring you camping. I rub your head til you fall back to sleep. I remind you to brush your teeth. I potty trained you. I let you sleep in my bed when you are scared or lonely. I support you. I give you rules. I give you boundaries. I keep your secrets. I listen to you when you have pretty drama filled issues with your friends. I give you advice. I take you on vacations. I joined snapchat. I let you have snapchat. I cancel my plans to accommodate you. I go without. I save your work. I brush your hair. I pay for your entertainment. I take you to movies. I push you to be the best you can be. I breathe. There are a billion more things I could list, but the most important thing I do for you, I love you. Unconditionally.

It is daunting at times, but there is nothing I wouldn’t do for you. So, the next time you look at me with hatred and want to know what the fuck I do for you…

happy-mothers-day-2014_tp-720x551

I would have taken her phone too!

Dallas dad not guilty for taking tween daughter’s phone

Read the above link first… or here is summary:

12 year old Daughter visits dad, daughter sends friend a rude/inappropriate text, dad sees text and takes away phone as punishment, daughter cries to mother, mother calls police to retrieve phone, father refuses to give police phone, father is charged with theft and over 2 years later found not guilty, father “loses” daughter. Notable mentions: mother is married to cop. According to mother, Father was not “in” daughters life until she was 7.

Now my reaction/response to what I read in this article (and others, I read 8-10 articles on this story, to get as many “sides” as possible). There is likely more to this story, but from what I read, this is my opinion.

Quotes from the linked article:

1. “As a mom, I’m upset because — number one — the property belongs to me,” (mother)
– You stupid twat, you should be upset because, number one, your 12 year old daughter is sending inappropriate texts!!! Act like a parent, NOT a childish C*&% who cares more about a phone and vengeance than her own child.

2. “You can’t take someone’s property, regardless if you’re a parent or not,” (mother)
-Oh yes you fucking can! Let me tell you, I would have done the exact same thing! Daughter sending or posting inappropriate things, buh-bye phone, as well as all other electronics!! No more computer access, tablet, whatever, all gone until things are worked out and cleared up(could be later that day, could be next month)! Now in MY case, I pay for ALL of my daughters things, but even if the deadbeat was paying for her phone, I would still take it! And hypothetically, if he were in her life, I would expect him to do the same!

3. “At that point, I decided the police don’t interfere with my ability to parent my daughter,” (father)
– GOOD!!! Unless you are abusing or neglecting your daughter, the police should stay the fuck out of it.

4. “During the two-day trial, Jackson’s daughter, now 15, took the stand and testified about her father taking her phone.
“It was the last thing as a mother I wanted my daughter to go through,” Steppe says. “I’m always here for my kids.””
– If this was in fact the last thing you wanted your daughter to go through, YOU would NOT HAVE PUT HER THROUGH IT!!!!

5. “officers made several unsuccessful attempts to return the property to its owner.”
– You may not get this from the article, but what they mean is the officers made several attempts to retrieve the phone from the father.
Ideally the mother should have phoned, visited or emailed the father directly (or vice versa), and discussed the incident like responsible parents, but instead she simply called the police to retrieve her phone!  There is a good chance the daughter would have gotten her phone back after it being taken away for a week or 2, as that is what punishments typically are, but instead of just waiting a week or talking to the father, the mother instantly called the police. The mother is obviously a vindictive moron who has done this out of spite! She doesn’t actually care about the phone (or her daughter) she just wanted to “hurt” the father. I am not condoning him not returning the phone, this may had ended much sooner if he had, but he had a right to “punish” his daughter and the police should NEVER had been called.

6. “Jackson says the ordeal has permanently ended any chances to have a relationship with his daughter”. (father)
– I hate to say it, but some of it is his fault. Yes I believe, in this situation (In my opinion), that the mother is mostly to blame as she seems to be malicious, but had the father simply given the phone to police this may have not been blown so much out of proportion … or would it? Would she simply have found another reason to eliminate him from the daughters life…?

So Good, I am glad he was found not guilty! I am glad he stood his ground, although, in the end, it cost him a relationship with his daughter. Someday, I hope the daughter grows up to realize that her father was simply trying to teach her a lesson in his own senseless, stubborn way, where-as the mother was being a hateful trouble maker. The mother should be charged for wasting so much of the courts time and resources.

End opinion … they are both idiots.

I eat the Fucking end crust so no one else has to.

I give and give and give and give and no one gives 2 flying fucks. I do everything in my  power to keep everyone happy, yet what the fuck does anyone do for me? Am I being selfish? Perhaps, but perhaps I am allowed to be for once. It gets tiring always being the “giver”.

My daughter gets pretty fucking much everything she wants. I clothe her with the brand name shit. I keep her housed. I feed her, I go out of my way to keep her happy. I go with out so much so that she can have everything. She has pink this and brandy that. Sorel this and Lulu Lemon that. School sweaters, music lessons, drives everywhere. I cook her dinner every night. I make her lunches every day. I pick up after her. I do her laundry. I pay for a bus pass so she can go to the (out of our district) school she wants. She has her own room with a beautiful and expensive bed set (captains bed, night table and computer desk). Electronics up the ying yang… Ipod, tablet, Cell phone, her own computer (times 2!). I could go on and on about what I give to her. I spoil her not only with stuff but with lots of love and nurturing as well. I give her more than enough attention. I stay awake when I am exhausted so I can tuck her in every single night. I make sure to get up with her every morning as she gets ready for school. I spend an abundance of my time with her. I hug and kiss her, snuggle on the couch with her (when she allows it… or wants something)  and tell her I love her every time I feel it ( which is a lot). I let her know she is smart and beautiful. I teach her life lessons and manners. I scold/discipline her when necessary. I talk to her. I love her.

My Boyfriend is just as fucking spoiled. I cook his dinner every night. Make his lunches. I go without, for him. I clean his dirty dishes. I make sure things are quiet at bedtime because he gets up early for work. I do his fucking laundry. I let him do his stuff (playing his video games, building his computers, hang out with friends, etc) without bitching or nagging. I spoil him. We don’t fight … but we don’t really “communicate” much either (we don’t really communicate emotionally, partially my fault, but there have been a couple times in which I tried, and got nothing).

What do they do for me? He buys me stuff sometimes or pays for dinners out and takes the garbage out if I purposely leave it until it piles up or stinks. Every few months he gets an urge to Vacuum…. She occasionally doesn’t have a fucking tween attitude and will occasionally do a chore without being told…. twice (in a year) they made an attempt to clean the house. Don’t get me wrong, or consider me hypocritical here, when they do anything, I thank them and very much appreciate it. But it is so very rare ….

And it is not “just” them. I do for so many and very very few ever even thank me. I don’t expect much in return; respect and appreciation. But it seems the more I do, the more I get shit on … hmm, couple sisters fall into that category drastically. Actually I have only 1 sister that is appreciative or so it seems, I haven’t had the chance to do much for her until recently. At least she said Thank you.  Work at my last job (which I was recently laid off from and have not discussed in my blog as of yet) was just as bad. The shit I did for that company. Bringing in new clients, taking over an EXTRA full position with no change in title or pay raise, finding money losing errors in pricing, doing shit that was no where near my job, the list goes on and on. I am always a listening ear for anyone (and there are many) who wants to talk or vent or confide. I have secrets hidden about people that would make your ancestors roll over in their grave. But I sit and listen and offer advice if requested … no one does this for me … that is only partially true actually … my 2 BFF’s “would”, except that one has no phone and the other one doesn’t answer his. but they would let me talk and cry…and I really need to. Also My mother let’s me vent … but then she starts trying to decipher everything and “diagnose” me or start changing the subject and gets me all worked up about something else … it gets on my nerves sometimes … but  at least she lets me vent.

Over the years, I have developed into a kind and caring woman (despite the fact that some still think of me as the cold hearted bitch I was as a teenager (ish) …that was a lifetime ago (20ish years) I am a different person now and the morons who continuously insinuate that I am still “that” person need to grow up a little (or a LOT) themselves (same sisters fall deeply into this category too). Yes, I can still be a super bitch if you mess with my family or are an ignorant fuckface, but I really don’t like it). A few people have helped me over the years when I have been down and out or struggling and I repay those favours by helping others. I pride myself on doing a bare minimum of 1 good deed per day (often plenty more) and I don’t announce what I have done, I don’t brag about what a great person I am, I just keep believing that Good Karma will be on my side … but nope, nothing good is happening. Karma seems to hate me and my good deeds or any kindness I portray. Maybe I was better off as in my earlier years (late teens/early 20’s) when I was a fucking bitch. Maybe I should become that Perma-Bitch again….

Do Not piss me off

Anyway, back on topic, Someone needs to do something for me or I will fucking quit it all. I love to give, but the ungratefulness and inappreciativeness is too much!!! Do your own god-damn laundry. Buy your own shit. Get your own dinner and prepare your own lunch.  Do your own dirty ass un-rinsed dishes. Clean your own mess. Deal with your own shit! Pay me properly for the job I do. How well do you think that would go over? I am simply tired of feeling walked all over and unappreciated!!!

So what do I want? I am not trying to be selfish or greedy. I want to be appreciated. I want to know that people are grateful for things I do for them. Let me take a day off and someone else do the dishes (fully, not just a few and then leave the rest for me to do!). Someone else do (All of) the laundry. Everyone pick up their own shit… and maybe mine once in a blue moon. I don’t need material things. You don’t need to buy me anything. A caring note, a handmade thank you card, a genuine thank you, an afternoon out for a walk or coffee and a chat, that day off I mentioned, a hug with an “I appreciate you”, Acknowledge that I do so much for you, Something. Merely Something.

Happy Thanksgiving!! (Canadian Edition)

Thanksgiving Day in Canada is today, October 12, 2015.

maple

Turkey day, as some like to call it (including myself, facetiously, on occasion), Is celebrated mostly in North America. Canada, the USA, Grenada, Saint Lucia and Puerto Rico all celebrate Thanksgiving as do Liberia and Norfolk Island. Thanksgiving is celebrated on different days in each place, but I am Canadian and as such, today is my Thanksgiving Day.

To some Thanksgiving day is a religious event. A day to pray to their lord and saviour (or whatever deity they choose to worship) and give extra thanks for all that you have. To some Thanksgiving is all about the food, giving thanks for the years harvest being the main “thanks” and then pigging out on the spread of the year (although there are some who only see thanksgiving day as a feast for the day and a paid day off work). For the most part, no matter what way you look at it, the day is about giving thanks.

In today’s day and age, people (NOTE: When I say people, I am generalizing and do not mean ALL people. I mean some people) seem to take for granted the things they have. People seem to think that they are “owed” what they have and more. People seem to think that they don’t have to work for what they want. Today’s world seems to be filled with greedy, selfish, money/power hungry, self-centred ungrateful humans. It makes me sick. So to avoid being one of these people I am always thankful for what I have and I am always appreciative for what receive. I may not always say it, and I may not always show it, but I am, deep down, grateful for everything and everyone in my life, everyday.

Thanksgiving Day to me.

To me, Thanksgiving is about giving thanks where thanks are due. Thanksgiving is about being thankful and digging deep into your conscience to find all that you are truly thankful for, no matter how vast or minuscule.I am grateful for the goods and the bads. I appreciate the ups and the downs. I am thankful for the friends and the enemies. I am grateful for the happys and the sads. I am appreciative of the loves and the hates. I am thankful for the pleasures and the pains  All of these things mould me. They have sculpted me into the woman I have become. Every new moment; good, bad, love filled or crowded with hate, provides room for more growth to my identity. Every delight revises my soul. Every heartache modifies my being. Every comfort adds to my essence. Every despair transforms my spirit. Every moment changes me. And for each of these instances, I am ever thankful.

Some specific things I am personally thankful for (Note the following is a tiny minuscule percentage of all that I am thankful for)

I am thankful for Coffee.http://www.tmstshoes.com/sunday-coffee-morning/

I am thankful for My daughter. Kyia is the love of my life. Without her presence in my life, my life might be meaningless (I know, no life is actually meaningless, but I was at a pretty low point in my life when I discovered my pregnancy). Her birth brought light to my dark world, happiness to my depression. She is the reason I strive for better. She is the cause of my joy. She is the calm of my storm. She is perfection.

I am thankful for “The Princess Bride”.Princess bride

I am thankful for my Best friend, Declan, He is always there, for over 20 years he has been the brother I never had. He drove me anywhere I needed to go… until …He helped me find my first vehicle and taught me to drive. He payed for (most of, if not all) the tools I needed for school because I could not afford it and my scholarships would not cover them. He usually listens to me vent (or maybe not so much listen, but he just let’s me vent). He has been the only positive male figure in Kyia’s life from the day of her birth. He would do just about anything for my little girl. He is kind. He is thoughtful. He is smart. He is a nerdy Trekkie and He is my best friend.

I am thankful for knowledge. http://9gag.com/gag/200081/knowledge-is-power

I am thankful for Viona. For over 30 years this woman has been my shoulder. She is always there when I need to pour out my heart and soul. She is the only person who has seen me at my best, my worst, my happiest and my saddest. She is the only person I willingly let see me cry and breakdown. She is always that ear that listens. She tells me shit straight. If she thinks I am being an idiot, she will tell me. There is no-one on this earth (not “blood” related, such as Kyia or Nanny) that I love more. She has a heart of gold. She is a wonderful mother. She is forgiving. She is helpful. She is my sister by choice and she is the best sister anyone could ask for.

I am thankful for stress.http://aero-news.info/pages/q/quotes-about-being-stressed-tumblr/

I am thankful for my job. Although most of the time I very much dislike my place of employment or at lease some of the “higher -ups” and co-workers, I am thankful that I have a job. I am thankful that the majority of the people with-in the company that I do actually like are located in my local office whereas the ones I do not much care for are NOT located in my office. I am thankful that I have a Monday-Friday job that allows me to go home to Kyia each and every day. I am thankful I have a job that provides me with an income that is enough to support myself and Kyia and not have to rely on others (much) for assistance. I am thankful for (some of) my co-workers who I do enjoy talking to.

I am thankful for long weekends.long weekend

I am thankful for Sean. Yes you read that correctly. Without him I would not have conceived Kyia. Without him, Kyia and I would not have the strong bond that we have. His neglect and abuse resulted in mine and Kyia’s bond being unbreakable (I say before the teenage years approach … will I still say this in 2-8 years haha). So yes, I am even thankful for Sean.

I am thankful for sleep.haz_a_nap.png

I am thankful for Finn. They say one finds love when one is not looking. Well I definitely was not looking when I met Finn. We worked for the same company (away from home). My first impression was … yeah right douche, you’re cute, but you likely have a wife and kids back home. I was wrong. Thankfully. When he did finally have me convinced he was in fact single, it was still a difficult situation as we lived thousands of miles apart. But thankfully, fate (if you believe in that sort of thing) brought us together. He is Handsome. He is Kind. He is Honest. He is Loyal. He is an Uber nerd and I love him.

I am thankful for restaurants.https://twitter.com/nocookingtoday

I am thankful for Bree. There is a lot of history with my sister. (Bree’s story is a whole other post… or series of posts) We used to be very close. Despite the fact that I very much dislike her now as a person, I still love her. She has done a lot for me and I for her. I miss her most days. I miss that we used to be best friends. I miss that we used to trust one another. I am thankful that she was a part of my life and hopeful that she will be again.

I am thankful for long hot bathsHot bath

I am thankful for Social Media. I know, I know. I too have the typical love-hate relationship with facebook (I will use the term facebook to mean all social media). I hate the drama and the bullshit posts from some friends (I use the term friend loosely to mean all friends on facebook, family, friends, acquaintances, co-workers, or just people I know/knew). I hate the times I look at a friends post and think to myself “are you really that stupid”. I hate the times I look at my own posts and think “are you really that stupid”. Most days I just want to shut it all down, delete my profile and abandon everyone just to alleviate the annoyance that some induce. YES, I would not know what most of my friends ate last night, or that they have a cold again, or that they are flipping mad at the world and need to vent on facebook daily, or that “Oh my Gawd, You are dumb as a rock, how am I friends with you!” or whatever else may be annoying to me that day … But without facebook I would not be able to keep in contact with most friends. I would not see the pictures of my friend’s trip to Montreal. I would not be able to chat with my friend in NB who has no phone. I would not see the pictures of my friend in NS’s baby growing into a toddler and eventually a teenager. I would not be able to offer condolences when a friend on the other side of the country’s loved one passes away. I would not be able to re-connect with “old” friends that I have not seen in years. I would have no idea that I have many photographer friends who all take amazing and beautiful pictures. I would never know that my friend in NB got married last week. I would not know that many of my friends are in similar situations as myself and/or as each other. I would not know that my friend in BC’s child’s birthday is today. I would not know that my friend has been to more concerts than I could ever imagine. I would not know that my friends are doing ok. I would have no one sharing new recipes, fun quotes, silly jokes or those cute animal videos. And, I would not be able to share my life with them. So, I am thankful for facebook and I am thankful for those who I call “friend”.

I am thankful for orchids.https://lamberdebieflowers.wordpress.com/2012/03/29/orchid-plants-a-perfect-house-plant/

I am thankful for books. How can anyone not love books. I could read and read and read… wait…lately it has been listen and listen and listen, oh the sweet sound of audio books. Whether you prefer to pick up a physical book and turn the paper pages (if you have time for that sort of thing) or you like the Kindle app glowing at your touch or you like the soothing sound of someone else reading to you, books are amazing. Should I be thankful for books or authors here? BOTH! I am thankful for books. I am thankful for the authors. I am thankful that I can read.

I am thankful for music.

Bonjovi_illbethereforyou

I could go on and on and on and on and on and on (you get the picture) about the things I am thankful for big and small, but seeing how I would like to post this today and not in 143 years (that is my guess as to how long it would (consecutively) take to type out all I am thankful for…Yes, that much), I will end it here.

So, this is me being thankful for you.

A Happy Post … My Daughter

My Daughter, Kyia.hugs
11 Years old at the time of this post.

This young lady is the love of my life.
From the moment she was born she has put the sparkle in my eye with the sparkle in hers.
So What can I say about her to describe her. The proper words elude me, and I may bounce all over the place, but let us see what I can come up with.

Kyia is: Beautiful, kind, spirited, thoughtful, courageous, smart, courteous, soft spoken, loving, stubborn, sentimental, stunning, bright, playful, silly, warm, sincere, intelligent, respectful, picky, cool, funny, polite, helpful, sweet, friendly, comical, clumsy, popular, obsessive, weird, fabulous, well-behaved, spoiled, emotional, happy, talented, quiet, giving, artistic, fun, brilliant, tall, inspiring, and interesting, to name a few.

Kyia loves kitties, and animals in general.
She loves children and babies.
She loves movies and music and books and life.
She likes to draw and paint and craft.
She enjoys cooking and eating.
She loves her family and her friends.
She wants to live a long healthy life by trying to eat healthy and exercise.
She has wanted to be a paleontologist, an artist, a musician, a veterinarian, a teacher, and to work in her favourite store(s) for the discount.
She has loved and lost at such a young age.
She has had her blanket and a special stuffy since she was an infant.
She likes to shop and hang at the mall.
She loves camping and vacationing.

Kyia feels deeply. She loves deeply, she cares deeply, and she hurts deeply.mommys_little_bambino_oval_decal

I love her more than there are raindrops during spring showers.
I love her more than there are stars in the sky.
I love her more than myself. I would, without a second thought, give my life for her.

Having her in my life has made me the best person I can be. For her.
She is my treasure. She is my inspiration. She is my hope. She is my joy. She is my blessing. She is my dream. She is my heart. She is my headache. She is my soul. She is my love. She is my daughter.

She is my Reason.

Single mom Vs. “Single” mom

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Single Mom (or dad … Note: I will use mom, but it’s context will actually mean any parent, I am not being sexist or whatever you want to call it this week, I am only using it in this way as I am a single MOM) = Mom who is raising the child independently. The Father (AGAIN NOTE: I am only using father/dad to differentiate, this could in fact be either parent, so don’t go getting your panties in a bunch) is not in the child’s life, does not help financially, emotionally, mentally or physically with the child’s upbringing whether due to death, or because they are a “deadbeat” etc. A single parent is the sole provider for the child.

Note: A single mom is NOT one who does not allow the father to see the child. A single mom is NOT one who pushes an “actual” willing father away. 

“Single” Mom = A mom who happens to be single. A mom who has the assistance of the father to help with the upbringing of the child but the parents are not together.

“Wilful single mom” I believe the mother who does not allow the father access would fit in this category.

Note: If a GOOD man who is ACTUALLY willing to be in his child’s life and help out in any way he can and be unselfish by always putting that child first and the mother does not allow it, she is an evil C^#% and is ruining her child’s life. I HATE these women. I will discuss this more later …

So here is my situation. I am a single mom. I was lucky enough when my daughter was a toddler to have assistance from some family and friends. NOT her father. (if you read my previous posts Let me get this straight and The battle today … should she get the response or should she be ignored? you will get a bit of background).

Note: Kyia’s father is the worst kind of deadbeat piece of shit. Why? Because he uses her for his convenience. He shows up after months of no contact, usually to impress someone. He is not in her life, but he shows up enough to confuse and hurt her. He treats his daughter like shit, avoids support payments, lies and manipulates and then tries to make it look like it is all me. Let me do a sum up … if I can. He refuses to see her for years unless it is convenient for him, he uses her, for example, to impress a girl; he will take kyia for a sleepover, Or to make this girl feel sorry for him; he will ask me if he can take Kyia on a day he KNOWS we have plans so when I say no, he can say “see she won’t let me see my daughter”. He refuses to willingly pay child support, it must be garnished from his pay check … if and when he holds a legitimate job. He has refused visitation schedules (which were more than fair). He puts guilt trips on his daughter to make HER cry and feel bad for HIS behaviour. He is one of the 3 people I truly hate (See # 15). He is what I am classifying in this blog as a pretend dad.

I could go on and on and on, but I am veering off topic. So back on track … single mom vs. “single” mom.

As an actual single mom I get very disgusted when mom’s who are “single” moms use the single mom status to get free things. They use the single mom status to use and manipulate people to get what they want. These people are despicable. Let me tell you something. As I mentioned before my above rant, I was lucky enough to have assistance from family and friends when Kyia was younger (Declan, Keira, Viona, My Mother, My aunt Lacey, My aunt Bridget on occasion, even my sister Bree, to name but a few). Because of their help I was able to go back to school and achieve a technology diploma. It was a long hard road, school, work and parenting but I did it. I was a single mom, but as I had so much love, support and help, I did not use my single mother status as a cry for help. I did not need it. (although I did state it on a couple of occasions which I may discuss another time) With that said, let’s say hypothetically that I did not have this support and I did need “outside help”; would I use my single mother status? This is where I would condone using this status, but not abusing it. As I mentioned before, I did on a couple of occasions throw my single mom status into the mix. It helped get me a scholarship to pay for my schooling. It helped in getting assistance to pay for child care while in school. The thing is (for the most part) I mentioned it. I did not request a pity party throwing every pitiful detail of my pathetic life. It was basically an “I am a single mom trying to better our lives” and then I moved on to topic.

So if you are an actual single mom and you legitimately need help every now and again, ask for it. Throw your single mom status into the mix, it works. But do NOT abuse it. Do not take and take and take. Do not expect handouts from everyone. Do not sit your ass on welfare. Do not cry for pity. Get up and do something. Accept peoples charity but only if you need it and/or are bettering yourself otherwise allow that single mom who actually needs it have it.

I am going to go back to what I will call the “wilful single mom”. I hate this woman! If there is a father who truly (I stress the word truly to rule out the pretend dads from this category) wants to be in his child’s life and you are refusing him access you are the lowest of the low. You are that dreaded “C word” most women hate … yes, you are a Cunt. Now keep in mind I am not referring to women who are hiding their child from an abusive man for the safety of their child (or for some LEGITIMATE reason… smoking pot is not a legitimate reason, smoking crack daily in the presence of children is. Social drinking is not legitimate, falling down drunk daily in the presence of children is. He cheated on you is not a legitimate reason, cheated on you with a child (pedophilia) is. Do you see where I am going with this), I am talking about that skank, who out of spite, keeps the child away from the loving father. The woman who will do whatever it takes to hurt the man who left her crazy ass. The woman who uses her child to cause pain and agony to a devoted dad. Do NOT call yourself a single mom if you are this evil shrew. You are not a single mom because you have a second parent willing to be in the life of his child. You have a second parent who is willing to support his child. You have a second parent who is willing to love his child. You are nothing. Just so you know … what is just as bad as this cunt is the piece of shit who PRETENDS (to others) to be that devoted dad. I despise this “pretend dad” too. But this is another topic all together.

Now onto the “single” mom. Just because you and the father are split up does not make you a single mom. If the father is part of the child’s life and upbringing, stop using this status. You do not get to pull the “I am a single mom, pity me” card EVER. You are a mom and you are single. Find a dating site.

I have personally known at least one person from all of these categories of each sex (meaning: I have known at least 1 single mom and single dad, “single” mom and “single” dad as well as wilful single mom and wilful single dad … as well as both the pretend dad (and a mom), the deadbeat (Mom and dad) and the loving parents in each situation) and …I forgot where I was going with that …

So to sum up.

Single mom: Single handily raising the child. Earns the right to ask for help and assistance as a single mom IF NEEDED.

“Single” mom: A mom who is not with the child’s father, but receives support in the upbringing of the child; financially, emotionally and physically. Should NEVER call herself a single mom.

Wilful single mom: Scum of the earth right there next to pretend dad. Should not even be classified as a mom.

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