All posts by acrimoniousdragon

About acrimoniousdragon

Nerdy, Sarcastic and Opinionated. What else can I say about myself? Apparently I should say something to intrigue you, to entice you to like my page and follow my blog… but I have nothing spectacular to say.

Still in Mourning – RIP Nanny

Every day my heart aches missing you, but some days are worse than others.  On New Years Eve I think about the one New Year’s Eve that we shared a pina colada before I went out. I had never seen you with a drink (that is ok, I drank enough back then for both of us), but when I walked in with Pina Colada coolers and you looked at them longingly and said “Oh, I used to love pina coladas” how could I not offer you one. Sharing that coconut and pineapple flavoured drink with my Nanny made my night. I was late for my party and I did not care. Drinking was (sadly) my thing in those days and you took a moment to share that with me. Sitting across the table from you, watching you enjoy that Pina colada, savouring every sip, while you shared stories of your life was so heartening. I bragged to my friends all night. How could I not, you were their Nanny too. They all knew how much you meant to me, and to be able to tell them we shared a drink was one of my proudest moments.

Every Easter season is impossible not to miss you, I see those carrot shaped, all orange, Reese’s pieces and nearly cry (and sometimes do). The smile on your face every Easter morning when you woke up to your white bunny and those Reese’s pieces that you loved so much. I loved playing the Easter Bunny for you after the millions of things you did for me. Nothing made me happier than making you smile. You always made sure my Easter was awesome with your little scavenger hunts to find our treats, drawing little pictures to find the next clue. The least I could do was make sure you had your second favourite candy.

Mother’s day kills me because no one was more of a mother to me than you. I have had a handful of strong women assist in my upbringing, but none compare to you. No matter how hard life got and how homeless I became, you were ALWAYS there to bring me in and help put my pieces back together. You were always there to listen to my many problems. You were always there to set me straight. You were always there to give advise and always there to give comfort. I tried so hard to make you happy on Mothers days. Spearmint leaves, pink sweaters, sappy cards, my time. But I could never top the year we got you a trip to Montreal to see Shirley and Andre Rieu. I remember your face like it was yesterday; the shock, the disbelief, and even the denial, and then the happiness and love. I couldn’t have arranged a better gift without putting Mr. Darcy in the seat next to you. Kyia and I will spend today watching your Mr. Darcy in your memory.

Thanksgiving. There is no one I have ever been more thankful for (until Kyia came along and even then, you were so close in second place, we might as well call it a tie). What is Thanksgiving without you? It is hard to give thanks when the person you are most thankful for is gone. I miss spending the day with you and our crazy ass family. I miss your Turkeys. I miss your mashed potatoes. I miss your Gravy. I even miss your can of cold peas. You always thought your meals were just OK, but Nanny I wasn’t lying when I told you how delicious they were. I can still taste every delectable detail. The mushy carrots and the homemade tart cranberry sauce. Remember the year we had that processed turkey made by my sister… the whole meal was a disaster, dry turkey, over creamed potatoes and so-on, but we ate it anyway. You refused to complain despite everyone else’s complaining and bitching. You were better than that. You were better than all of us. But it was a pretty good laugh later.

Nanny

Your birthday is a really tough one because it is the one day that is all about you. It is the one day where, this year you should be 86. It is the day that this world was gifted with the most kind, beautiful, funny and forgiving person I have ever known.  It is the one day that white cake is on the menu … white Sobeys cake. (Unfortunately I will not be able to partake in the cake this year with my newly discovered gluten intolerance…but Kyia will have some).

Christmas is family time and I miss spending it with you. Your heart being so thoughtful, you always made dinner early so that everyone had time to go to visit other family. Not having any of your Christmas ornaments that you made tears at my heart. Never again being able to wake up with your tree to admire leaves me grief-stricken. But Christmas is most hard because I was planning to come home for Christmas last year. I was planning to come home to see you. We were going to surprise you and show up Christmas morning to be by your side and make your holiday season bright. We had gifts and plans and held onto so much excitement. But that didn’t happen… Now with one grandmother who passed away just 2 days before Christmas, and one who touched my heart like no other gone…Christmas just doesn’t seem right. Sure I fight my way through it for Kyia’s sake, but really I don’t even want to get out of bed. Last year it took everything in my power to decorate and pretend to be happy. I am sure this year will be much of the same.

There are so many days, sites, circumstances, events and items that make me think of you and cry, but nothing hits harder than today. Today tears fill my eyes and I cannot control the flow, the anniversary of your death. 1 year ago today my phone rang around 5 am, waking me up from a deep sleep. It was my mother. My heart sank. I knew. I just knew. Why else would she call me at 5 am on a Saturday. I grabbed my phone, got out of bed and left my room. I shut my bedroom door as to not disturb Finn with the call. I took the first step on the stairs, my heart sank and my body shook, as I answered the call knowing what was coming, but hoping it was something else. I heard her cries, her sniffles and hysterical sobbing, I still hoped. Then her words went threw me like a knife. “Mom died…” I am sure my heart stopped momentarily as I dropped to the floor. There was nothing I could do. My body just stopped working. My mind faded and there was suddenly a waterfall of tears making their way down my cheeks. Mother continued talking, but I was in a fog. I heard and understood nothing after those first 2 words. My whole person was numb. My insides were tearing apart and my outsides were soaked with tears. Realizing that I will never again see your silly smile. I will never again hear your kind words. I will never again feel your unconditional love. My heart and soul held more pain than I ever thought possible. I wanted to wake up from this horrific nightmare … I still do.

I thought about sharing my favourite memory here, but I can not narrow it down to just one. 40 years of memories were made and they all hold an important place deep in my heart; like the time you used the term “deadly” or the time you told me the story of the cast iron frying pan you threw at Grampy or the many summers we spent in Maces Bay walking along the beach collecting beach glass or golden grove picking berries or the Owl clock I made for you in shop class or the games of Aggravation Rummy where you always kicked my ass or the the time I ran away from home and you told me that I always had a safe place to go and that you would always be here if I needed you. well I need you, Nanny. I always need you. Every time I remember you, I smile at the memory and then cry in anguish from missing you so very much. My heart fills with warmth and then falls to pieces. The saddest part of all is … with you gone, who is supposed to help me put the pieces back together…

You were my Grandmother, my mother, my rock, my stability, my conscience, my friend and I miss you so very much. I don’t know how long it will take to heal, to feel better, for it not to hurt … but 1 year is not the number. I hope you are resting peacefully. Nanny. I love you.

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Is Education Free in Canada? NO!!!!

Not in Alberta! Maybe I am overreacting … Maybe I am not …

When I realized (in January) that despite my best efforts I still did not have a job and could not afford to pay Kyia’s school fees, which I had been putting of in the hopes that I would find a job and be able to pay them, I requested a “Fee Waiver” from The Calgary Board of Education (CBE). This was VERY hard for me. Between my pride and my anxiety, it made me cry that I had to “ask for help”.HighFees But there is no possible way for me to afford the nearly $400 they want for school fees. YES you read that right. $400 fucking dollars per year (PLUS the hundreds they want you to pay for field trips, and additional school activities throughout the year) for a “FREE” education. I understand that some SMALL fees (Small=$25-$50 MAX) may be acceptable but $400+ is just outrageous!! This is Canada for fuck sake. How in the fuck does CBE justify approx $400 they say noon super vision, transportation, school supplies etc….
1. My child does not get supervised at noon!! She is in grade 8 and leaves the school grounds most days. And seriously!! These pussy-ass fucking teachers who BARELY even teach kids any more can’t SHARE lunch supervision?? I respect teachers, don’t get me wrong…well I used to…but these days it seems the teachers need to be coddled and babied. They don’t teach our children the things they need. They baby them by “passing” everyone. They rarely discipline (I don’t mean straps, just detention or even a goddamn scolding!). And they cut out essential core studies … like Cursive and multiplication tables!!! The teachers need to “man-the-fuck-up” and TEACH our kids! …oh I am going off topic … The teachers are paid for their day in their salaries … They should NOT get extra to monitor lunch hours. This should simply be mandatory shared tasks INCLUDED IN THEIR FUCKING JOB!!!!
2. Transportation … I cannot bitch much about this one really… Because we live in a different school zone, my daughter does not take school buses. We chose to not send her to the school in our zone so I am not “charged” this (additional $335) fee and I buy her a monthly transit pass to get to school. However … I believe the rate for school bus transit is a bit much … I have not fully researched all of the other provinces, but I do KNOW that the majority of the provinces do not have this fee!! (Or ANY of these overpriced fees!)
3. School supplies … Oh this one makes my blood boil!! I BUY HER SCHOOL SUPPLIES!! The BUDGET Buys teacher supplies. What the actual fuck is this bullshit!! I go out and spend $100 ish dollars on the LIST that the CBE gives out for instructional supplies and then they try to charge me (Approx $150)for more!! You don’t pay … they THREATEN YOU!!! New Brunswick School fees $25 and buy your own school supplies OR $35 School supplies INCLUDED (NO transportation fee, NO supervision fee, NO Bullshit!!). If you don’t pay, you don’t get threatened, you just don’t get the school planner. FUCK YOU CBE!!! FUCK YOU!!! Greedy fucking dickface CBE!! Again, FUCK YOU!

https://www.albertacanada.com/opportunity/settle/education.aspx
Alberta Canada -Education

Anyhoo, Back to the “Fee Waiver”, I was apparently never approved…Yesterday I received an email from the CBE basically threatening me. Pay or we will send you to collections!! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!! I sent an email stating that I applied for fee waiver months ago…ATTACHING the original email and including a snippit from their webpage showing that I had applied. The message they sent back was that I need a “Child Health Benefits card”. Um. No. No I fucking don’t! I am not going to the goddamned government begging for fucking anything. It is bad enough that I am back on the dreadful EI. I will not go to them for ANYTHING (unless absolutely necessary… like EI because work is scarce and I need fricking money…also I paid into that shit). So I told them that (in a nicer way) I simply said, “I do not need nor want a benefits card. You have my financial information. That is all you need. They came back with basically a too bad, that is our policy. You have to go to Alberta Works and basically apply to be low-income and get that Child Health Benefits Card. Are you fucking kidding me!!! I lost it. I literally walked away from the computer and left my reply until this morning. Which was still kind of nasty…because I am still PISSED So Here is what I sent off:

“To whom it may concern,
I have submitted a fee waiver and have forwarded my EI income information already- MONTHS ago!! You threaten to send me to collections KNOWING that I can NOT afford to pay these fees. I am disgusted that you will NOT approve the fee waiver just because I am not on social assistance/Welfare?! I am on EMPLOYMENT INSURANCE! I have ALREADY stated this! I do NOT need nor want a health benefits card and there is NO reason that I should be forced to get some letter calling/labeling me “low-income” or forced to get this health card thing. YOU have my financial information!! Why do you want to embarrass, belittle and STRESS people and families by forcing them to announce to the world that they are poor? I have enough stress and anxiety in my life, I sure as heck do not need The Calgary School Board adding to it! I have shared my financial woes with you, yet you want me to go to a multitude of others announcing my struggles. This process is despicable. This process is WRONG. I have sent you the information and there is no reason for you to force me to embarrass and stress myself further. I am on EI. I make LESS than 2000 per month. My rent, bills and food expenses meet and sometimes exceed that amount. Last year I made under $40,000 and the ONLY reason it was that “high” is because I did work for 6 months of the year…but still technically below the poverty line! Unfortunately I was let go in early October, JUST after an emergency trip to NB (that I am STILL trying to pay off!) leaving me unemployed and BROKE. I expect The Calgary School Board (or ANY school board for that matter) to be a bit more respectful and understanding to people in these situations. When YOU are provided with sufficient financial information to approve a family for a fee waiver. JUST DO IT! Don’t send them to the government agencies. Don’t send them to the school. Don’t force this embarrassment onto them. And for God sake do NOT Threaten them!!! Just take that information and make the darn approval. We live in CANADA. Education is supposed to be FREE!!!! Maybe it is my pride talking or maybe it is my social anxiety, It does not matter, DO not force people into uncomfortable situations. Period. Now please look into this. Thank you.”

Too much? Should I be this Mad? Am I over-reacting? I don’t think so. Why? …

freeeducationEducation is MANDATORY in Canada. Education is a RIGHT in Canada. Education is FREE in Canada. FREE you fucking idiots. FREE. Not $400 dollars or we will send you to collections. FREE!

So Now I apparently have to go to the principal of my daughters school and beg them to approve the waiver “in house” …what a fucking hassle for this free education. Did I mention…

FUCK YOU CBE and FUCK YOU ALBERTA EDUCATION!!!

FU

First Boyfriends and the Panicked Mom.

So Kyia has her first boyfriend … How the fuck do I deal with this!!! My mind is scattered all over the place with this one. Inside I am freaking-the-fuck-out!! Outside, I am playing the cool mom whom Kyia can tell everything to … It is killing me!!So lets go over some points …

I was a teen girl once, but at 13 I had no boyfriends and little interest in the idiots I went to school with…seriously, one or 2 of them WERE cute, I suppose… BUT Assholes and Morons!! Sure I had crushes on “celebrities” like Jon Bon Jovi, Jason Bateman, Charlie Schlatter and “Bo Duke” (John Schneider) also …. ummm … well …*cough**cough* Jon Knight *cough**cough* and maybe *cough**cough* *cough**cough* Wil *cough**cough* Wheaton *cough**cough*  But, Well, Believe it or not, as the saying goes … “sweet 16 and never been kissed”. I was actually 16 when I had my first “real” boyfriend and my first kiss and lost my virginity (I say “real” because I had a boyfriend named Jimmy when I was 4 or 5 that probably lasted like a day. And I actually had a Boyfriend at 14 … but I literally said yes to this dip-shit just to get him to leave me alone. *Eyeroll* He bugged me and asked me to be his girlfriend over and over and I repeatedly told him “no” over and over until I finally said FINE! We lasted 3 days… when we went swimming and he pushed my, unable to swim, little sister into the deep end of the pool … I dumped him and threatened him that if I ever saw him again, I would beat the shit out of him … I never saw him again…I was a little “rough around the edges” and tough as nails with a temper that would scare Satan when I was younger. LOL). So back on point, I went fast, or so I think I did, now… I had my first boyfriend and first kiss, 6 months later we broke up and I got my second boyfriend and just over a month together, I lost my virginity … Terrifying! But this plays in my mind, this and KNOWING how boys think and what they think about … *shudder*  Despite still being a girl and having girly thoughts and feelings (that I hid) I grew up, kind of “tomboy-ish”. I have always been “one of the boys” I relate better with the guys… frilly, prissy, catty chicks piss me the fuck off!  Being “one of the boys” allowed the guys to speak freely around me… so yes, I KNOW how and what they think. Anyhoo…As a teen girl, if my mother told me no … well I did it out of spite. My mother said I can’t hang out with a certain person? I would do it more. My mother said I can’t go out? I jumped out my bedroom window. I know better than to pull the “Your too young for a boyfriend” crap … that will make her want it more! So ….

I play the cool mom. Kyia informed me of her crush a couple of months ago, and she told me as soon as he asked her out (about 3 weeks ago). She told me when he tried to kiss her (a few times) and how she dodged it and she told me when she did finally let him kiss her (last weekend!!)…I died inside, just sayin…She trusts me enough to tell me these things. Why? Because, despite the fucking devastating bomb that just detonated in my guts I hold it together and smile and talk to her about it…or just smile and say something nice … depending on both of our moods. She trusts that I am not going to tell the whole planet about them. She trusts that I am not going to tease and ridicule her (much). She trusts that I am going to be there for her. She KNOWS that I am her best friend … no matter how much she pretends it is the other kids… lol. She knows. She trusts. I listen. I respect.

My insides are going to cause a nuclear meltdown. I mean seriously … I suffer from Anxiety, occasional Depression (which is currently “on”), a little OCD and over-protectiveness …. and My baby girl has her first boyfriend!!! PANIC ATTACK in effect!! The emotions and thoughts are running rampant! Kissing, Sex, Heartache, STD’s, PREGNANCY!! OMG OMG OMG, Breathe!! Breathe!! A woman I used to work with has a 15 year old daughter who just had a baby … that is fucking retarded!!! When I was a teenager, A girl I knew who was 12, TWELVE, got pregnant! Jesus Christ! 12 and 15 years old, That IS a baby!! AIDS… need I say more! And for fucks sake what am I going to do when her heart is broken …although I do have LOTS of experience here since her dad has been breaking her heart for 13 fucking years ..fucking scum bag piece of shit dead beat…. but seriously … I know I “look” like I am holding it all together, but I am not. I want to tell her “NO dating until you are 16 (or 40)!” I want to scare that boy away! I want to ground her for life and move to a secluded island where there are no boys! I want to cry!!! There is so much responsibility that comes with boyfriends, love and sex. there is so much danger in it if one is not mature enough and or prepared. AND in this day and age, parents should be DRILLING information and facts on Sex, Pregnancy and STDs into their teenagers heads! Scare the shit out of the little bastards so that they will never have sex … hey! A mom can dream!! This is NOT the earlier 1900s when talking sex is Taboo … TALK TO YOUR FUCKING KIDS!!! Yes, it is awkward and uncomfortable, but I talk to Kyia about her menstrual period, boys, sex, STDs, Pregnancy, drugs and so-on. We both hate it, yes, but I want her informed. So we talk … sometimes too much … she gets so annoyed when I go on and on and on …. Hell sometimes I annoy myself! lol… So I “try” to have these talks in small doses, when a topic arises. Have we had all of “the” talks? No not yet, but she is 13 and we are starting them….also I need time to mentally prepare ME for these talks! THIS on top of the teenage “attitude… I think I am going to die!

The Boy … Kyia had him over this weekend. They hung out all day and we brought them out to Dinner. I drilled him with Questions…nothing too crazy… what do you like to do? got brothers or sisters? pets? You know, those type questions … they may get more “difficult” with each visit… muahahahaha! He SEEMS like a pretty good kid. He is Athletic, Plays (and is apparently fairly obsessed with) Basketball. He plays for the school and (I think) for a city team and he watches the NBA and he plays video game basketball. He is quiet and a little shy. He is in Band. He “used to” play World of Warcraft. He played D&D once. He lives with his dad. He seems smart. The boy has a nerdy side (BONUS!). But … His preferred music Genre is Rap… could he pick a worse (IMO) Genre… fak…Well everyone has flaws I guess. He talks more quietly than Kyia. He is too shy (and indecisive) to make a decision. They took a trip to the park for a couple hours and we had our dinner trip, but other than that, they hung out in her room most of the day…with the door WIDE open and Momma “passing by” randomly. I caught him attempting a kiss at one point and went right in the room and sat my ass down… both of them bright red … I sat there for a good 10-15 minutes just “chatting” away. I didn’t know how to react. I wanted to grab him by the scruff of the neck and throw him out the window…or through the wall! But instead, I calmly interrupted his attempt and sat down to continue the interruption. NO Kissing in my presence!! NO Kissing in my house!! I know they have kissed (now keep in mind this is 13 year old kissing… pecks on the lips) and I am not going to ground her over it, but I do NOT condone it. I do NOT approve of it. She is my Baby!!!

rules

What I am doing … reading, researching and communicating…also breathing, a lot of calming deep breaths and crying… a lot of very emotional cries … I recently had someone (a couple someones actually)  tell me, Just tell her not to do it. She is too young, do not allow it. But realistically … She is 13. Boys are a part of her life. Teenage attitude, especially if she is anything like her mom, can be very spiteful. So it is MY opinion that in MY circumstance,  MY parenting for this is to make sure she is informed. To make sure they always have a chaperone (of sorts) even if it is a group of friends. But to do that I need to inform myself so….

I bought this baby from chapters a few days ago: Parenting a Teen Girl: A Crash Course on Conflict, Communication and Connection with Your Teenage Daughter

and this one I bought the same day from Audible – the audio format to listen to in the car: Smart but Scattered Teens: The “Executive Skills” Program for Helping Teens Reach Their Potential

and I think this one is next … but for the 2 of us to go over together: Being a Teen: Everything Teen Girls & Boys Should Know About Relationships, Sex, Love, Health, Identity & More

I will get through this. I will get through this. I WILL get through this.

 

 

 

 

Failure. I feel like a failure.

Why do I feel like such a failure today? Why is today such a bad day? Why am I so depressed today?

Let me start with a little back history for any noobs who are not aware of “me”. I am a single mother who for the last 10 + years suffers from Anxiety and for the last 2 years, progressing Depression…meaning every day seems a little worse.  My daughter’s father is a lying, scumbag, deadbeat, abusive, alcoholic/drug addict, piece of shit. My family is filled with cunts and assholes. My childhood was shit. My adult life is shit. And well I feel like shit.

Today is a VERY bad depressing day. I literally forced myself out of bed today…twice. I really just want to go back, but for now maybe some blog therapy will help….? Doubtful, but let’s give it a go, writing it out does occasionally help so let’s see…if not maybe I will colour. It all started yesterday (actually it started WAY before that, but for the sake of this post, we will say yesterday) when Finn got an interview and was offered the job during the interview…now hold on to your judgement… back up a tiny bit with a sum up, Finn was laid off 8 months ago. In the last 8 months he applied for ONE fucking job (Actually I think there may have been a second one that I harassed him into applying for), got an interview and the job. I spent every goddamn day (well every weekday and occasional weekend days) for the last 7 months looking through thousands of postings, going to/cold calling dozens of companies, applying for HUNDREDS of jobs and attending dozens of interviews and job fairs. So yes, despite my happiness that Finn is finally getting off his lazy ass, I am resentful and bitter that I work so hard and he does next to nothing. No, I shouldn’t be and I try to fight it and hide it but this is what depression AND anxiety does to a person. All I can think about is how un-fucking-fair this is. “They” say good things happen to good people… Well Fuck “them”, fucking liars. When the fuck is my “good” going to happen? I do good deeds ALL the time, Despite (currently) being classified as poor, I still give to charities and those in need, I am kind to people, despite not liking people very much, I care WAY too much. I help people even after they lie to me, abuse me, cheat on me, betray me and/or hurt me. I often go without so others have. Yet, here I am, a 40 year old fucking failure who can’t get nor keep a fucking job despite being, hard working, reliable, honest, punctual, ethical and intelligent…? (Maybe I am not that smart, maybe I am getting dumber by the fucking day, that sure is how I feel lately) and whose daughter is a selfish, ungrateful, materialistic, entitled, spoiled brat. And that brings me to today’s set off.

I had a little vent with Kyia this morning, after a horrible sleep due to “someone’s” tossing and turning and alarm at 4am (Because you know, when one needs to be a 30 minute drive away at 7 one must get up at 4… asshole). I was a bit cranky and I made a complaint about Finn not only not applying for the better paying job that I pointed out to him a couple days ago but also not even looking into it (Double pay compared to the job he just took, also better job with better company). So after that mini rant Kyia started her own (very teenage snotty) rant about Finn better apply for the other job because she is tired of being poor…Wait… what the fuck. You need to understand that while we are FAR from rich, and are actually what one might consider “poor” (at the moment, I have had some good jobs over the years, but right now I am on EI) we get by with NO help and I make sure that we live as if Finn’s income doesn’t exist, without him, we can live as we are now. (Because I swore when My own sister fucked me over that I would NEVER rely on anyone or anything again … I know, kind of petty but you don’t understand how horribly I have been hurt, betrayed and ripped off by my own family…over and over…So no one ever again will have me in any kind of state of dependence and invulnerability). My daughter gets everything she needs and almost everything she wants (which granted, has been a bit less the past few months). Despite being on EI for the better (worst?) part of the last 2 years (wait before I start this list, remember that a lot of this was purchased while I was working in decent jobs and with savings and such. Don’t you dare judge me and what I spend MY money on!!). Her entire wardrobe is Lulu Lemon, Bench, Nike, Roots, Converse, Thrasher, Brandy Melville, Pink etc… you get the point, all expensive name brands. She has her own custom built computer in her room she has a brand new phone, an ipod and TWO UE Mega-booms!! She HAD 2 tablets but destroyed them with her destructively jamming in the charger this also happened with 2 of her phones and yet although I refused to replace the tablet the second time, She always manages to get a new phone. She goes to ALL of her school events, which ALWAYS cost money, I buy her a monthly bus pass so she can attend the school her friends go to which is not in our district, I bought her hundreds of dollars of art supplies because she wanted it and she never touched it (this has actually happened with many “fad” things! …We have a Wii U so she could play Zelda and wii-fit, she doesn’t touch it, and an Atari – the new one with 101 games pre-loaded, because she wanted it to play frogger, she hasn’t touched it). I drive her all over hells creation because her 2 best friends live 20 minute drive away from us … in opposite directions!! I give her money whenever she needs it and almost always when she asks. Our fridge and cupboards are ALWAYS filled with food, good fresh food. She has her own space heater in her room in case she gets cold and that’s just the tip of the iceberg. FFS. So I snapped at her, I actually forget exactly what I said but it was something like “I am sorry if this life I have fought to provide isn’t good enough for you, but too goddamn bad!”

She had the fucking nerve to continue with “but I haven’t got anything new in a long time” … Christmas which brought in THOUSANDS of dollars in new clothes was less than 5 months ago!!! AND EASTER was just last fucking month (granted, Easter is a lot smaller, she did get new “roots” shorts and socks and the Atari)!! I lost it! I yelled. I literally yelled at her. Sure I raise my voice at her at times, but yelling is a rarity. I was so fucking mad that I called her selfish, I called her ungrateful, I called her selfish again, I called her materialistic and I called her selfish again. I freaked. And when I realized that my parenting skills of trying to raise a kind, thoughtful, Grateful, appreciative, daughter failed, I stormed off into my room, slammed the door and stayed in there crying for hours. I didn’t even walk her to the door when she left for school. I didn’t give her a hug and kiss goodbye. And I didn’t tell her I love her. I sat in my room and cried. I cried in disappointment, I cried in failure, I cried in depression. And then of course I started thinking about all the things that make me a failure and I cried some more. Of course it is my fault. I go without so that she can still have this stuff. I go without so she can have her lulu lemon tights, and roots jogging pants. I go without so she can have her Pink sweaters and Brandy Melville shirts. I go without so she can take the bus to the school she wants. I go without so she can get drives to her friends. I go without so she can have a phone. Maybe I gave her too much. Maybe I spoiled her too much. Now all that matters is her and her stuff. I spent the last 13 years suffering through hellish stressful days and shitty jobs. Suffered immensely just for her to become selfish and ungrateful. I did this. I can’t even express my disappointment in both her and myself. I can’t even express my hurt. I know she is only 13 but she watches me struggle every day and still throws being poor in my face. I can’t even. I just can’t. Because I am not depressed enough and I apparently don’t feel bad enough about myself and I don’t feel useless enough. I have never been so disappointed in my fucking life. I sit in my room and cry because I thought I raised her better. Guess not. I guess all my efforts have failed. Failed. Just like me.

So what do I do now? Is there still time to save her from becoming this person, this selfish and ungrateful bitch (NO, I am not calling my daughter a bitch, dumbass, I am asking how to stop her from becoming one!). Do I clean out her room, taking away everything that she holds dear, all of her expensive “stuff” INCLUDING her clothes and phone? Maybe ONLY shop at Wal-Mart and Value Village. Shall I give her the worst Christmas and Birthdays ever by giving her nothing? Grading present? NOPE! Shall we not go see another movie or not another meal out? Shall I transfer her to the school in our district so she can walk or take the school bus and miss all of her friends? Shall I make her live off of shitty ass cheap food? Corn flakes, Kraft dinner, Mr. Noodles and hot dogs EVERY day? No more drives. Anywhere. No more comping trips or day trips. What? There is a new “item” she wants. NO! FFS. How does a depressed parent, who can barely get out of bed teach a 13 year old to be appreciative … especially when the depressed parent feels like she has nothing to be grateful for most days …

 

Welcome to my Nerdfest!!

I am a Nerd. I am also a geek. And pretty Dorky. I know it. I accept it. I love it. I own it.

…AND The Calgary Comic Expo starts tomorrow!! So what better than a nerdy blog post to wind up!!

I obsess. I really obsess over some things. My newest and current big obsession is Dungeons and Dragons! How did I not play this years ago!! So much fun … Ok I will get into that in a minute. I obsess over some of the typical nerdy things, TV shows, games, movies, and occasionally some nerdy science related shit…i8sumpipiLike π … who doesn’t fucking love Pi(e)!!! It is so functional and delicious. You can’t determine the size of your pie without Pi. I mean really 3.14159265359…what a beautiful number. We still have not found the end of Pi, I mean we are talking TRILLIONS of places and still no end in sight, it is astonishing really … Right, Obsessing. But there is some “Typical” nerdy shit that I don’t care for … for example, Not a huge Harry Potter Fan… *Cowers* don’t hurt me! The movies were ok and the books were good, but not obsess worthy to me. Star Treks … Love TNG and Enterprise and some of the movies ….but the original, DS9 and Voyager… not my cup of tea … oh Tea, I love tea. A nice cup of tea while reading is so delightful … off topic, oops. Comic Books. Don’t like em. Minecraft … Ulgh. I guess those are the big ones that have actually had people spew “You don’t like ‘that’! You are not a true nerd!”…Seriously. Judgemental fucks.

I don’t really consider myself a “gamer” … but I probably am. I mean I love games, but I am pretty picky I think. There are so many games (video and board) that I really can’t get into, just not my thing …those would mostly be war/shooting games typically. I like board games, but so few are 2 player (For me and my daughter to play…Finn is usually too fucking busy on his computer watching stupid Youtube videos … no no really…flat earth stupid). If I had to pick a fav board game … Nope, cannot pick just one. I am not a huge monopoly fan, BUT I own Princess Brideopoly! So that is a top of the list pick along with Dixit, Scattergories, Flipping Out and Supernatural Clue which was one of my favourite birthday gifts from my Kyia and my Finn. They know me so well. And adult time brings everyone’s new fav – Cards against Humanity. I love a couple of the old GaldraeAtari games…Space Invaders and Yars Revenge!! My favs!! ♥ So much so that I bought a “new” Atari console with 101 games … just for those 2! I used to play Evony, and I miss Lord of Ultima so very much. I occasionally play the Wii that I spent a small fortune on when it first came out. When I do, it is usually Lego Star Wars or Zelda: Twilight Princess.  I am “For the Horde” in World of Warcraft and always play a caster. I am no good with melee, and well…. MAGIC!!!  My 2 mains (Favs) are a Troll Warlock and a Blood Elf Mage…I even played back when it was just Warcraft! D&D, my current obsession as I mentioned above needs a whole paragraph to itself …

D&D = LOVE!!!DnD
Love playing, love watching, love learning, love buying, love making … fucking love it all!! Wizard. That is my thing. I am trying out all of the magical characters… but Wizard! I was only introduced to D&D in January …Seriously, 3-4 months ago!! How have I been deprived for so long!?! I quickly joined a (second) D&D group to play and may indulge in another for a weekly weeknight adventure. I bought books, modules, novels, miniatures, dice, more dice (I am now obsessed with Dice), I made a battlemat (it’s rough, but it works), I create characters like it is my fricking job, I even started DMing an adventure (thanks Matt Mercer, you are my inspiration for that one) … Not sure I like DMing though, but I fucking love playing!! I started looking on you tube for D&D how to’s, tips, and such… then I fell upon Heaven *Cue heavenly music*…CRCritical Role!!!! I saw Felecia Day on an episode of this D&D thing and seeing how I adore Felicia, The Grand Fucking Dutchess of Nerds, I thought I would give it a looksee ….OMFG! The best looking and most talented fucking group of nerds I have ever seen. Playing D&D. Online. Live. Weekly. And they are voice actors, so their role playing is fucking amazing! I am in awe with each episode. It is the Nerd soap opera I have been waiting for. I laugh, I cry, I sit on the edge of my seat, and occasionally I drool. (I have a huge ass crush on Matt Mercer, and a bit of a crush on Liam O’Brien, but they are all decent looking and uber nerdy!!). fi_CR2I mean come on… LOOK AT THEM!

What Nerd/Geek doesn’t have a long ass list of TV shows and movies that they obsess over … I don’t want to sit here for 1528 hours typing out all the shit I love … So just some of the, well…obsessions. PRINCESS BRIDE!!! the-princess-bride-poster.jpgBest fucking movie ever made. Ever. I could literally watch multiple times every day…or act it out if you prefer. AND Wallace Shawn will be at the Calgary Expo this year…So fucking excited!!! Oh you know I have my photo op booked! Inconceivable! OK what else …Labyrinth, Goonies, A Knight’s Tale,  Boondock Saints, Percy Jackson movies, Wrath and Clash of the Titans, Monty Python and the holy Grail… and well, Monty Python, Immortals, Divergent Series, Willow, Evil Dead Trilogy, all the Lord of the rings, all of the Hobbits, all the marvel superhero movies!! …wait except the Amazing spiderman movies… I hated those 2, so very disappointing. But Thor, cum on now…drool and swoon. Serenity is another, and oh how could I forget the Star Wars’ and Star Treks …but not the original Star treks… ick, I guess that’s as good of a lead into TV shows as any… So many TV shows. I guess I better start with Star Trek … As I have mentioned before, TNG and Enterprise, that is it. Janeway’s (spelling?) voice makes me want to punch her in the face and gouge out my ears and DS9 is just meh. EASY! It’s just my opinion. No, I am not a full-fledged “Trekki” but I know (most of) the characters and do fucking love TNG, likely because I have a weird crush on Jean-Luc Picard and I LOVE Enterprise! supernatural-dl-2I, like many women, obsess over supernatural and all of its hotness. My Favs… Charlie and Crowley. There is of course the show everyone is crazy over… No not Walking Dead! Have no interest in watching that one. Yeah yeah, “but it is so good!” “But Jeffery Dean Morgan is in it now” “But NORMAN REEDUS!!”but this and but that, but nothing. I don’t want to watch it. Whether it is because Zombie shows do not interest me, because the hype is too big or just that I have too fricking many shows that I am watching… just let it go. I meant that OTHER show that everyone is crazy about, Game of Thrones!! George R. R. Martin is one sadistic dude. It is fucking Awesome!! I also so fucking love Reign and the Tudors and pretty much anything medieval (ISH) CR1you put in front of me…maybe that is why I fell so hard in love with D&D? There is also the IT crowd, Big Bang theory, Arrow, Legends of Tomorrow, X-files, Firefly, and my sad it is over, but even more sad that the ending SUCKED, guilty pleasure, Vampire Diaries. Also, Critical Role!!
Yes, I did have to throw that in there!!

I do love to read and wish I had more time to read even more….but comics, not my thing. Although I am not a “comic book nerd” I have loved Stan Lee from the moment I knew he was the creator of Spiderman!! spideyAt 5 years old, I was determined that I was going to marry Spiderman. Not Peter Parker. Spiderman. He is my man. I remember moving into a new apartment (I was 4 or 5 ish). My mother made sure the TV came in first. Stuck it on the floor, plopped me in front of it, put on an episode of Spiderman and I did not move…They were free to unload without having to worry about me… I was with my boyfriend. At last years Comic expo I finally got to meet the man who had been an idol (and obsession) to me for as long as I can remember. I got my pic taken with Stan Lee and his Autograph. I unfortunately missed his Panel due to an illness and a trip to the hospital. Also, my dream of meeting Stan Lee was not as exciting as I wanted/expected it to be, thanks to travelling around the expo with Mr. Cranky pants and Miss Sicky Girl (guess who is ditching those 2 this year… That’s right, this girl!!). It was devastating because he announced that this would be his last visit to Canada … and my experience was less than par … don’t get me wrong, still the most exciting moments of my fucking life… but not what they should have been. Well when the Expo sent out the email a couple weeks ago, stating that Mr. Stan Fucking Lee was coming back, I cried. I literally cried like a little fucking baby. The tears of joy poured from my lacrimal glands. But guess what. I am going alone this time bitches!! Photo and autograph is all for me!!! (Neither of them really care, but I am going to try to rub it in anyway) …I need a new Spidey Shirt…

Yay! A new spidey shirt … I may have a problem with Nerdy T-shirts. The problem is that they cost money (Which I don’t have much of) and I want them ALL!! Teefury, Teevillian and shirtpunch are my vice. I have ordered so many shirts from their daily tees … it is just scary. Mash-up shirts are just …I just … well they are kind of … I cannot even explain the deep emotion that overwhelms my when I see a mash-up shirt of 2 things I love. I am getting teary eyed thinking about it.

I have a thing for Nerds too. I mean not gross nerds…If you are a big disgusting slob, living in your mother’s basement, haven’t showered in weeks and have week old pizza sauce stuck in the beard that has grown over the weeks of not moving from your computer chair and when you do finally get up you have to literally peel yourself from the chair …well you are not my type…and I don’t even have a type. nathan-fillion-1-sizedBut the likes of Matthew Mercer, Nathan Fillion, Jon Bon Jovi, Liam O’Brien, Vin Diesel, Johnny Galecki, and my daughter’s science teacher Mr. L, well they sure get my juices flowing…I may even have a small secret crush on Wil Wheaton… shhhhh. Oh and we can’t leave out Hugh Jackman and his handsome good looks that go lovely with his superior intelligence … I know, I know “down girl, go take a cold shower”. I can’t help it, intelligence and nerdiness just do it for me…especially if they are good looking too!! But don’t get me wrong, you don’t have to be “known” for your brains to be attractive, I am sure Jason Statham is very smart…. But who the fuck cares! My God that man oozes manliness… and that body … and Jesus, the things I would do to him … ok. Cold shower, Be right back…

OK Time to move away from the cute boys topic…Maybe I should get into my inspiration for writing this blog … Calgary-Logo-no-dateCalgary Comic Expo – Every Fucking Year….Well since I moved out this way anyway. I spend way too much money to meet, get Autographs and/or photo ops with all my fan-girl favs!! Last year there were 2 biggies! Of course the legend that is Stan Lee and JOHN FUCKING BARROWMAN!! I was ecstatic! This year is going to be just as amazing…if not more so! Stan again, Wallace Shawn, Peter Capaldi, Nathan Fillion, and Ruth Connell to name just a few! Plus I ALWAYS look forward to the vendors … they are pricy… but I don’t care!! NERD MERCH!! Last year I found an amazing vendor who made teeny tiny origami jewelry!! I am on the hunt this year for some cool D&D stuff…of course as well as all my other favourite fan-girl merch and some Birthday and Christmas gifts for my Nerdy-ass friends and family!! My excitement cannot be contained! Eeeeek … time to go start getting my shit together and ass ready. Excited!!! How jealous are you?!? :p

It is not Job hunting, It is Job Begging

Looking for a job while the market is down is one of the most frustrating things I’ve done.

to-whom-it-may-concern-please-give-me-a-job-pleasepleasepleaseplease-pleasepleasepleaseplease-pleasepleaseplease-pleaseplease-please-04bed

EVERY day (well mon-fri, I take the weekends off!) I spend anywhere from 2 to 10 hours (usually 4-5 hours) searching and searching for work. I hunt through Indeed, Workopolis, Glass door, the JobBank, Monster, Recruiter sites as well as a few company specific sites (I have a “watch list” of specific companies that I think would suit me perfectly and I check in on them regularly). I have literally applied for hundreds of jobs over the last 6 to 18 months … that’s a big spread, maybe I should explain …

In Oct 2015 (18 months ago) I was laid off due to the slump in the economy, the bust part of the boom and bust cycle. Although I had some issues with my micromanaging, spying, arrogant manager, I loved everyone and everything else about my job. It broke my heart to be leaving my “Dream Job”. I spent the next 6 months going through the job searching process until I landed a job at (the corrupt) JOBHP in May 2016 … which after only 2 days, I discovered was a HORRIBLE place to work.

 

depressedwoman
Picture found here

I immediately carried on my job search, but as I had a job, as despicable as it was, I was a little more picky in my hunt. In Oct 2016, I was fired before my probation period was over… Sum up … I was better at my job than the spoiled favourite, she didn’t like me because of it, I was called into HR as a witness to a harassment case being investigated on my immediate manager, interviewed by the HR personnel who is of course her (the manager’s) FRIEND, and I told the truth about the abuse suffered by ALL from that bitch manager, then (a couple weeks after the HR thing) my grandmother passed away and I took an APPROVED leave to go “home” for 2 weeks. 3 days after I returned from my grievance leave, I was fired….You can read a longer version here

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/55521007881162018/
Picture Found here

Thanks to JOBHP, my Anxiety went through the roof and thanks to 18 months of job searching, 13 of which I spent unemployed, Depression set in…I hide it, but it is there. Every minute of every day … Do you know how hard it is to get out of bed to get ready for an interview while depressed? Do you know how hard it is to be in an interview while in a depression? Do you know how hard it is AFTER the interview with Anxiety? Hard, Harder, Hardest.

So, back on point, I have literally applied for hundreds of jobs over the last 6 to 18 months, I have been on dozens of interviews including 3 with companies on my “watch list”. I fail. Over and over I fail. I am so nervous in my interviews that I end up bombing them (that bombing means to fail miserably, to not do well, to lose … not literal “bombing”, for fuck sake, you morons). I actually had a small handful of interviews that I thought went amazing…but still got the big … “yeah, sorry, your not what we are looking for”. You know, I actually had one process that carried on for 3 months, all the while being told repeatedly that they were very interested in me but had a few more interviews scheduled, just to be told in the end that they decided to not hire anyone, because no one “fit their criteria” ….What the actual fuck! “Dance little puppet, dance!” And that is ALWAYS the response…you didn’t fit our criteria, you don’t have enough experience. Here is some advice Employers … STOP FUCKING LYING TO US!!! We can not improve ourselves with no information on what we need to improve. If you wanted me to literally beg for that position then fucking tell me. If I was too jittery in the interview (due to nervousness, not heroin withdrawal!) then tell me that. Maybe you thought I wasn’t prepared because I was so nervous, say it! Maybe you just didn’t think my personality would fit in with your “stick up their ass” employees, Say so! Not enough experience in a certain area, point it out. Be more specific, “you don’t meet our criteria” is not a fucking reason, it is a cop-out …because if I didn’t meet your criteria…why did you call me in for an interview??? depression(As a side note … in all the interviews I have gone to, one actually gave me legit feedback. It was nice…well as nice as constructive criticism can be. lol. But I truly appreciated it.)

So seriously, I think they want you to get on your fucking knees and beg. “I want this job more than anyone else, please, please, please, pick me, I will do anything, see I am on my knees …..”. Seriously. Like they say “it’s not who you know, it’s who you ….”

Age discrimination … right there!

young-and-fit-no-employer-nameOh how I love to Rant and voice my opinions. “Young, Fit, Construction Personnel Needed ASAP”.  Do YOU see anything wrong with this? Maybe I am over-reacting with this one and acting like one of those “offended by everything” assholes, but for some reason this just pissed me the fuck off.

dis·crim·i·na·tion

dəˌskriməˈnāSH(ə)n/
noun
noun: discrimination; plural noun: discriminations
  1. 1.
    the unjust or prejudicial treatment of different categories of people or things, especially on the grounds of race, AGE, or sex.
http://career.iresearchnet.com/career-development/age-discrimination-in-employment-act-of-1967-adea/
Your too Old!

I get that they don’t want a 95 year old who can barely lift his head let alone a hammer and I get that they don’t want someone who can’t physically do the job, but this heading is screaming “if we don’t hire you, make sure you sue us for discrimination!

https://www.insidehighered.com/advice/2014/08/13/essay-age-discrimination-faculty-hiring
Go away.

” The “Young” part really gets me. What exactly do they consider young? Oh wait, IT DOES NOT MATTER!!! if a person can physically do the job, whether they are 20 or 50 years old does not matter!! Maybe it is because I am getting older that this is pissing me off so much. Companies are not “allowed” to age discriminate, but they ALL do! They lie about it but they do. Everyone want the younger person, the younger person has the potential to stay longer (but companies are stupid, it’s those of us that are a bit older that will stay, we are more likely to want to “settle down” with a long term career). But to actually advertise for a young person … oh fuck, that pisses me off!!! And “fit”, I “kind of” get this, but not entirely, I get that one has to be able to lift a lot. moving 2x4s and drywall etc. But instead specify “must be able to carry sheet of drywall”or 75 lbs or whatever. There are many “unfit” people who are more than capable of doing construction work and DO IT WELL!!

https://www.dol.gov/oasam/programs/crc/2011-age-discrimination.htm
Must be under 40!

Here is what one might decipher from this heading alone. The company is age discriminating (that is illegal!!!!!) what other illegal things do they do? The company seems to be assuming that only young and fit can do construction work…we all know that is NOT true, I am sure we all know some excellent construction guys or gals that are not “young” or “fit”! The company probably wants a man, I mean they specified young and fit. They are already age discriminating and physically discriminating (if that is a thing), why wouldn’t they be sexist too? Why wouldn’t they have the mentality that women shouldn’t do men’s work, women aren’t strong enough or “fit” enough. The Company appears to be looking for eye candy … come on Young and fit? This sounds like an advertisement for a dancer or model.

http://taboojive.com/ageism-the-undying-prejudice/
Ageism

I know 50 year old people who are more “fit” than some early 20 year olds!! I am utterly disgusted by this posting and I hope legal action comes to this company! I really do. As a 40 year old woman with a background in the trades, I too am tired of being passed over by younger, fitter, men. So to this company, and all others with this mentality, I say FUCK YOU! I need to wrap up now as the more I write, the more pissed off I get. So to get over it, I complete my rant.

This company, as far as my opinion goes, is a lawsuit waiting to happen. I am disgusted and will never apply for a job through this company, I would never work for a company that is so blatantly discriminatory.

http://henniegurlluvez.blogspot.ca/2011/10/end-of-our-friendship.html

No break up is more heartbreaking than that of the betrayal of a best friend.

I have lost contact with a lot of “friends” over the years but she hurt me the most.

Nora and I had a complicated relationship. We hated each other, then loved each other, moved in together as roommates, stopped talking, friends again, and again and again, and then along came Byrne.broken-heart-painting-on-wall

A little history… Nora and I met in 1996 (I was 19-20 and she 16-17). She was pregnant with her first baby. The father (We will call him Laur) was one of my roommates and a scum bag that invokes a whole other story, but this story is about Nora. We hated each other at first. Not for any good reason, we were young, I drank … a lot … and Nora was pregnant, stuck around a bunch of drunks and has those “natural bitch eyes”. Laur made her terrified of me by telling her stories about how mean, and evil I was. Don’t get me wrong, I could be pretty mean and nasty if you pissed me off, but considering all I did for him, (for starters, He lived with us for free as he had no-where to live. Yes I was that person). Anyway, obviously I was not nearly as “evil” as he made me out to be, but I was very strong, confident, loud, vocal, and independent, so along with Laur’s lying horror stories, I scared the crap out of meek little Nora.

2 or 3 ish months after the baby (Corliss) was born, Nora and Laur (he moved out somewhere along the way … actually, I am pretty sure I may have told him to leave) had a house warming type party as they got themselves a new apartment. This is when Nora and I finally really started speaking and getting to know each other. She was not nearly as bitchy as her eyes portrayed and I was not as Evil as Laur portrayed me. We became friends.

Keep in mind that as I stated before, Laur was a scum bag. When Corliss was about 6-8 months old some (abusive and illegal type) shit went down between Nora and Laur, leaving Nora needing a place to live, me being that person who took in strays (for lack of a better term) invited Nora and Corliss to stay with me. I had another roommate at this time who hated Nora (she was actually quite jealous of the growing relationship between Nora and I), to the point where she would pick fights with her and literally wanted Nora out on the streets. To make this part of the story short, it got so bad that I kicked out the roommate and Nora stayed. We lived together for the next 2-3 years. We quickly became the best of friends ….

The best of friends except for 1 thing. Nora ALWAYS let men come between us. Usually “hers” but once, mine (…in her defence, she was right that time … he was an asshole).

Just about every time she got a boyfriend, she stopped talking to me, started a fight somehow, or, once she actually told me that we can’t hang out because the BF didn’t like me. Nora had a type. That type was possessive, controlling, abusive, assholes. Most of her boyfriends didn’t like me and I was ok with it. They were dirt-bag losers who thrived on intimidating “weak women”. I was far from weak and intimidated them instead. They hated that I did not cower and I figure they were very afraid my strength would rub off on their new slave. Sadly when Nora did find a “good guy” she would dump his ass pretty quick or wreck that relationship before it even started. Because of her choosing Men over everyone I always said, “Nora and I are not true friends. I keep going back for Corliss.” Don’t get me wrong, I love Nora, I still do, we went through a lot together and I was ALWAYS there for her, and she was ALMOST always there for me, but she was never a real friend to me and I knew it. Sure she listened to me vent (when she was single), and we hung out and partied together, we called each other daily and we did just about everything together … as long as a sack of shit narcissist was not controlling  or even just in her life. But she always put men first … even went as far as to sleep with some that I cared about …But I still loved her, like a sister even.

We only ever had 1 fight that did not involve a man in some way. It was the stupidest, dumbest fight ever! We were both cranky, hungover, out of smokes and caffeine. I think I will leave it at that.

publilius-syrus-quote-a-friendship-that-can-end-never-really-beganThen Nora met Gabor. I didn’t care much for him at first (likely because I thought he would be like all the rest). He was a drunk. I was in the process of coming out of my heavy drinking stage. But, He eventually grew on me … like a tumor. Why? Despite his drinking and extreme annoyance when drunk, he was a pretty good guy. He was not an over powering scuz bucket. He did not abuse Nora. He didn’t “control” Nora. He worked. He was fun. He was easy to talk to. If I called for Nora and she was out, Gabor took over as the ear to listen. He became one of my best friends too. You know when you hang out with a couple and you feel like a third wheel … I never felt that with Nora and Gabor. They were together for quite some time (Well it was over 8 years anyway). Got married had a baby and then separated and finally divorced. I stayed friends with both of them…

In late 2008 Nora met Byrne, the beginning of our end. He was a married (supposedly separated) man at the time, but that didn’t stop Nora. They started seeing one another. At first I thought this was great. I liked Byrne, I thought he was pretty cool and fun. In fact she met him through me (no, not as a set up). He was a friend of mine (or so I thought). Sure he flirted with and hit on me a few times, but I shrugged it off, because he flirted with lots of girls and was really friendly with everyone it seemed. When he and Nora started dating (I hoped) that would be the end of his hitting on chicks. Well it wasn’t. It was worse. We went out together one night, the three of us, and I was going to crash at Nora’s. Naturally so was Byrne. Well Nora was so Drunk that she went up to bed. Now if this was Gabor, we could have sat together all night, laughing, drinking and having a good time as friends. No hitting on me, no flirting with me. Just hanging out. Well this was NOT Gabor. Byrne came on strong. Byrne tried to “sleep” with me. In Nora’s House! Naturally I shoved him away from me (a couple times) and made him go to bed then I called a cab and went home. I couldn’t sleep there knowing that he was there and could try something on me at any time. And being intoxicated, when I passed out … I may not have woken up right away if he did try something. I was pissed off and left. I initially intended to tell Nora first thing in the morning but I thought 2 things, Nora will likely “choose him” and his story over me, and our friendship will end. So I kept it to myself, chalking it up to drunkenness, it won’t happen again. I won’t let it. I would not be alone or drunk around Byrne again. Nora and I drifted apart a bit, still called each other “friends” but it was ending. She would go to Byrne’s house for the night or weekend (which was directly across the street from me remember) and I wouldn’t even know. She wouldn’t call or visit. Neither her nor the kids.

In early 2009 (mid Feb), Gabor ran into a rough patch and I offered him a place to stay. He too was my friend after all and at this point a better friend than Nora. So he moved in. If you’ve read previous blogs, you know this is a bad habit I have, taking in “strays”.

Mid 2009 (June 30th actually, we were bringing in Canada Day) Nora, Byrne, myself and a few other people were partying at a bar on the boardwalk. It had been a while since I hung out with Nora, I missed my best friend and I was having a blast! Then Byrne ruined it. That fucking pig. He took me aside and tried to make out with me. When I pulled away, he said “why aren’t we together?” He told me he wanted me and always had. He went on and on about how we belong together and he is only with Nora because he is not with me and all kinds of bullshit of that nature. I tried to ignore him and walk away, but he was persistent. So I faked sick and went home. I again made the mistake of not telling Nora right away. I waited about a month. (But I believe for good reason) It was eating me alive. I knew I had to tell her, but I also knew it would ruin our friendship. Forever this time, I could just feel it. So i mulled it over and I talked to a lot of people and they convinced me to tell her. I wanted to tell her in person but she could not seem to find the time to meet with me. (I honestly believe to this day, that Byrne was trying to keep us apart to avoid me telling her… Little did he know, friends don’t matter to Nora, Men do.) Weeks went by and I just couldn’t wait any longer, so I sent her a message. Spilling everything. Everything about Byrne, a couple other events that pissed me off and how upset I was. A few emails/messages back and forth and that was it. End of friendship. Why? Well or 1. She completely ignored the part of the message where I told her that her married boyfriend (Who was infact still fully married, living part-time (weekends) with and sleeping with his wife… long story) is a cheating piece of shit. And 2. She then tried to blame me for our drifting apart!! What the actual fuck! First saying it was because I let Gabor move in with me. I came back with “Are you fucking kidding? This started WAY before he moved in!” Then she came up with some other excuse to shift any blame from her and Byrne. It was ridiculous. I couldn’t even believe what I was hearing/reading.

httpfavim.comimage1683910Over the next year we barely spoke. But our kids were all raised together, so we still shifted kids and had sleepovers. Then that stopped. Nora started making excuses and lies to keep her kids away from mine. Her youngest, who was best friends with Kyia, invited Kyia to her Birthday party. Days before the party, Nora UNINVITED HER! I kid you not. made up some lie about there not being a party. THIS made me lose it. I messaged Nora and went up one side and down the other. If she wants to hate me because her cheating boyfriend would have likely “chosen” me over her, given the chance, then fine. But who the fuck do they think they are punishing and hurting the children! This, I would not stand for. She did not reply. But she stopped being (that much of) a cunt. The Kids stayed out of it after that.

Today. Kyia still talks to the girls. I still talk to the girls. Nora and I speak on occasion and are “acquaintances” but we will never be friends again. I will always love her and she will always hold a place in my heart but I will never trust her. No break up is more heartbreaking than that of the betrayal of a best friend.

http://www.slate.com/blogs/outward/2013/10/17/gender_neutral_pronouns_will_they_ever_catch_on.html

LGBTabcdefg….gender neutral?

Warning! Beware the language!

My friend sent me a link to a video a few days ago and it made me want to do a post about how annoying (some) “LGBT….” people can be. The Video itself is hilarious! Have a click…

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Don’t get me wrong, I do not have a problem with gays or lesbians or homos or what-the-fuck-ever “they” are calling themselves these days. Love is love. Sex is sex. Humans are humans. Your preference is none of my business. I truly believe that you have every right to “be with” whomever you want, man or woman (you know, so long as they are of an appropriate age and willing…you rape someone or touch a child, Straight, gay or otherwise, I hope you die the most painful death imaginable and then after death you suffer in agony in the depths of hell).

I have some very good friends who are gay. In fact my second mom is gay (my best friend of over 30 years’ mother). She is one of the strongest and most amazing women I know! She “came out” during a time when it was a lot less accepted than it is now. She does not “flaunt” her sexuality and she doesn’t care if you are gay or straight. She is an inspiration. I also spent many years thinking my best friend was “in the closet”. I told her 25 years ago that if she was gay and came out I would still be her best friend. I told her I would be there for her and by her side no matter what. She screamed at me that she was not gay, so I let it go. But in the back of my mind I thought there was still a possibility for many years. I may not think it anymore, but still have an open mind and if she did tell me she is a lesbian, I’d cheer her on! I know some assholes who happen to be gay. I have an Ex friend (are they exes if they were friends?) who is one of the biggest douche bags I know. He is a liar, abusive and a “troublemaker”. He is judgemental and makes fun of people … the ironic (is that the word I want to use here?) thing is, he is unemployed, not very attractive and I believe an alcoholic, who the fuck is he to make fun and judge? He is hateful toward most straight people.  I have some great straight friends. For some reason I feel like I do not need to put examples in here … this, is what society has done to me … but I will. Let me give you an example of the most amazing “Straight person” I know, my grandmother. Nanny was a very catholic/religious woman, but she was acceptant. She may not have “understood” gay people, but she accepted them.  She was kind but strong. She taught me to have the open mind that I have. I know some real big dick head straight people. We all know there are many straight people out there who think gay is wrong, period. If there wasn’t there wouldn’t be an issue. And we likely all know (at least) one. The ones who really piss me off are the ones who are hypocritical pigs as well. You know, the disgusting Men who demand that being gay is wrong, it is evil and you are going to burn in hell! but lesbians are ok because girl on girl is “hot”(Met a lot of pigs over the years like this one)…And the women who do the same thing. Homosexuality is a sin, it is disgusting and unnatural, but a threesome with 2 men would be so awesome though!

Humans are humans. We are ALL equal no matter who we love, what our preferences are, what colour we are, what size we are, what language we speak, what sex we are… What sex we are… that brings me to my point I think…So, what is this (vent) post about? What do I have a problem with? Well …

When you call yourself a gender that you are not… or worse gender neutral. Males have a penis and Females have a vagina. PERIOD. You can be a male who “lives as a woman” or you can be a female who “lives as a man”, but if you have a fucking dick between your legs you are a fucking male. FACT is there are two and two only genders. Humanity has 2 fucking genders – FACT. Male and female. Penis and vagina. See the picture below? If you are a person who has anatomy like the diagram on the left, You are Male. You can be homosexual, you can be what I think you call transgender which I believe means you “live as a woman”, you can be a cross dresser, you can be Bi-sexual but you are still MALE!  If your anatomy looks like the one one the right, you ARE Female. You can live as a man, sleep with women, and dress like a man but until you get an actual “sex change” operation, you are female!

http://www.medicaldaily.com/male-and-female-reproductive-systems-harder-label-some-others-271039

Gender Neutral (regarding sexuality or gender…not the green or yellow you paint the babies room)… What the actual fuck is this?? “they have actually introduced pronouns to replace he/she, him/her and his/hers … No joke, Xe, Xem and Xyr are some of these newly invented pronouns. The only scenario in which I can fathom a person legitimately calling themselves “gender neutral” is if they are born with NO FUCKING PARTS! …or maybe if they are a hermaphrodite… I am not afraid to say that if I EVER run into a person who calls him/her self gender neutral, I will immediately assume they are the dumbest motherfucker to walk the planet, and instantly turn and walk away in an effort to avoid my IQ dropping from just being near them. Yes instantly, not another damn word. You are officially a moron. There is NO SUCH THING as gender neutral. It is simply something “easily offended” shit disturbers made up to annoy the hell out of actual intelligent people and have a way to use discrimination as a way to start a fight. For Christ sake, gender neutral. This topic makes my blood boil. I have never heard a more idiotic classification.

While we are on the topic of what I have a problem with…

When you throw your sexuality in my face. I do not give a fuck if you are gay, straight, or Bi, I don’t want to see you making out with your partner and I sure as hell don’t want to see you walking around in ass-less chaps (I threw the ass-less in there for effect … all chaps are ass-less other wise they would just be called pants! fg3jgh20160602115037  )Gay, Straight, old young, Put some damn clothes on and get a fucking room! Seriously! Have some fucking class. Being gay (or straight, or Bi) does not mean you have to walk around advertising who you sleep with! I am straight, I am proud to be straight. My vagina loves cock. I don’t walk around showcasing my love for dicks! Be who you are, but do it subtly and humbly. For Fuck sake. Now wait, before you flip, I realize some people are “flamboyant” due to their personalities, That is different. Be extravagant. Be Dazzling. Be glamorous. But do it with out exposing yourself. Have some self-respect and decency. And What in the fuck is all this sexual shit… Gay, straight, Bi, a-sexual, transsexual metasexual, pansexual, there are so many! …and Lesbian is a category all on its own?… because lesbians are not gay?… JESUS CHRIST!! There are 4!!! There are only 4 sexuality classifications; Homosexual – Your preference is someone of the same sex, Straight – Preference is someone of the opposite sex, Bi-Sexual – No preference, you are good with a boy or girl and Celibacy – You don’t want anyone. That is it! Your a guy who likes guys who look like girls? Then you are gay. get it? good.

When you determine that “all” straight people are the problem. (no really, I have personally been snubbed by some loser gay guy because I was straight … no joke! His words “oh, your straight” and walked away all snooty. My friend I was with told me this guy has it out for all straight people. I laughed my ass off. As if I would associate myself with the likes of that anyway! Not because he is gay, but because he is a self absorbed douche bucket!) Fuck you dickhead… YOU are the problem … If you ever say “All” of any class of people are a problem or whatever, I hope you trip, smash you head on the pavement and live your remaining days with amnesia, forgetting what a world class scuz-bag you are. All of any category is never the problem (except spiders… all spiders suck!) There are some sexist men, there are some sexist women, there are bad people who are gay, there are bad people who are straight, there are stupid white people, there are stupid black people, there are evil Muslims and evil Christians. There are also good people of every kind. There are good Muslims, my landlord is one. There are good Christians, My Grandmother was one. There are good Gay people, My friend Paul is one. There are good straight people, I am one! For the love of all that is holy, stop blaming everyone else and look in the mirror.

When you ask for “equality” but actually want more. Your not fucking special. You are human, I am human. Do I think Gays should be able to marry? Hell Yes! Do I think that you should be treated the exact same as me? Hell yes! Do I think you should celebrate who you are? Hell Yes! Do I think you should have the same rights as me? Hell Yes! Do I think you should have to hide your partner? Fuck No! Do I think you should get special treatment? Fuck no! Do I think people should “walk on eggshells” and be very careful how they address you? O My God Moron, are you not paying attention? Take your self-righteous ass and go jump off a bridge. EQUALITY is just that. Being equal, being treated as equal and treating others as equal. Equality does not mean you get special fucking treatment.

So in summary, there are 2 sexes. TWO. Male and Female. Gender Neutral does not exist (unless you were unfortunate enough to be born with no male or female genitalia). If you are easily offended… your problem, not mine (and you likely should not be reading my blog). There are 4 sexuality classifications, Homosexual, Straight, Bi-Sexual and Celibacy. If you are a male who lives as a woman, I will contently go along with it and call you “she” but, I will NEVER call you xe and know that if asked (such as “hey is that a dude or a chick”), I will always say you are a MALE who lives as a woman and prefers to be called a she. Equal means we are EQUAL. Your being offended by all straight people is your problem.

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Live how you want. Dress how you want. Fuck who you want. Be who you want.

I hate you, Mom.

Two nights ago, Kyia and I had a huge ass daughter hates mother, mother thinks daughter is a disrespectful and ungrateful brat fight that lasted about 6 hours (well 3-4 hours of it was calmer and involved talking and discussing and compromising). We both said some hurtful things. I fucked up by bringing her deadbeat fathers name into it. 13 years of keeping my insults and hatred towards him to a minimum (in front of her) and mostly hidden came flying out. I may have slipped up and spewed about his abuse … she never knew. I always just say “we just didn’t get along” when she has asked about why we broke up or are not together. I hate myself for that (the fuck up, not the break up). I didn’t give a lot of details, but I said more than enough, more than I ever should have. She did not EVER need to know about the abuses I encountered at the “hands” of her father. I am so sorry for this. I know it did not help at all. I know. In fact there is a chance I made things worse. As a child who had a mother who spewed insults and hatred about her father, I know the resentment I feel towards it.

Back on track. During this fight Kyia glared at me with what looked like hatred in her eyes and said in her nasty hateful tone, “What exactly do you ever do for me?” First, I laughed. Really Child? Someday you will be a parent and you will know that the things a mother does for her child are unlimited. The short answer to that question is “literally everything!” The long answer is much more detailed and complex. This is what I want to talk about today.

What have I done/ do I do for my daughter?

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Well, there are the obvious things such as, I put a roof over her head, food in her belly and clothes on her back. I give her all the necessities of life. But let’s dig deeper and be clearer. I am not going to point out “everything” I do, I don’t have the time or space for that, there is just too much. I am going with what I think is important right now. Kyia, my answer to your question (FYI, before you get all high and mighty and self-righteous, this is the answer that she won’t be actually getting …at least not the “your father is an abhorrent dick ones).

I left your father for you. He was a violent alcoholic, a liar and a cheater. He was possessive and controlling. He was an abusive scumbag. He was mentally, emotionally and sexually abusive. He was on his way to being physically abusive, it was only a matter of time. I had my bags packed and was making plans to leave when I found out I was pregnant. Being raised without a father, I decided to stay a bit longer to try and work things out. I hoped that the idea of being a father would make him a better person…it works this way with most people… not with him. He did not get better, he actually started to get worse. So after about 3 months, to protect you from his abuse, I left. I moved across Canada to be surrounded by loved ones. You gave me the strength to protect you. I left him for you.

I endured pregnancy and child birth for you. When discovering my pregnancy I cried for 3 days straight. Literally. Barely slept, barely ate. Could not stop crying. There were two reasons for this sniveling sob-fest. The first being the father. I would be stuck with this vile douche bucket for the rest of my life if I had a baby! The second, I did NOT want children. Ever. I considered my options, all of them. It took me 3 days to realize, yup, I want this child. I fell in love with you. My love for you outshined my hatred for your father and my annoyance with other people’s children. I wanted to love you, raise you and protect you. I then spent the next 8 months suffering cramps daily, nausea constantly, dizziness, pregnancy brain and extra stress. I did not have an easy pregnancy. I did not have the worst pregnancy, but it was not easy. I was not the glowing mom-to-be as a lot of pregnant women are. I was sick every fucking day. I was in pain, every fucking day. I suffered, every fucking day. I spent 36 hours in labour. During your birth I ripped. I ripped 13 stitches worth of ripping. I ended up with a UTI AND an infected tear down there. My Vagina felt like it was on fire for 6 weeks! It did not want to heal. I endured pregnancy and child birth for you.

I protect you. I protect you from your father.  If he had his way when you were an infant, he would have taken you only to show off to some chick while they were getting drunk and high while you slept, likely on a bed in which you could fall off. I made the rule that he could only “take” you IF he was with suitable supervision, His father and his father’s wife (ex now) mostly. I knew your grandfather would keep you safe. I allowed you to go there anytime they wanted you. But only if your grandfather was there. I protect you from yourself. You do some stupid things. If I let you do every little thing you “wanted” to do, spur of the moment, you would be in a casket in no time. I will not be having that. I don’t allow you to touch the fire, I do not allow you to run in front of cars, I do not allow you to jump off bridges. I do these things, not to be mean and hurt you, but to protect you. I protect you from others. I talk to you about strangers and the dangers they could impose. I teach you that when you are in trouble (or even think you are) to get help from a trusted adult (mom, police, teacher etc.). I protect you from as much as I can without putting you in bubble wrap … or at least not too much bubble wrap. I protect you.

I fight for you. I fight you. I fight your dad. I fight my anxiety. I fight myself. I do not like to fight. When we fight, it is usually because I am trying to have you behave in a more respectful manner. I do not want you to grow up to be hated by people because you are a disrespectful, hateful spoiled brat. I want you to learn that you need to treat others as you want to be treated and if you are mean, there will be repercussions. When I fight with you, I am fighting for you. I fight with your dad for you. I fight my depression and anxiety every minute of every day. It pains me to be such a worrier. It pains me that I just want to stay in bed all day. It pains me that I have no motivation. It pains me that I have no strength. But for you I fight it all. I force myself out of bed. I force myself to let you out of my sight despite the scariest imaginable thoughts racing through my head about the worst case scenarios that could happen to you. I force some fake motivation so that we can do things such as road trips or Day trips to the zoo or even a quick visit to the mall. I force the strength to be your mom. I could easily just lay in bed and let you do whatever you please, but what kind of person would you be? I need the strength to tell you no and to hold you accountable for your actions. It is a daily battle. I fight daily for you.

I take blame for you. How many times did I tell your father that you “weren’t allowed to go” when in reality you did not want to go, so he would be angry with me and not you. How many times have I told you to blame me if you need to hang up on him, to tell him I took the phone and hung up. When you wanted to leave Bree’s house, during our visit home, because “she is mean”, I said it was me who didn’t want to stay there (although that was true as well, we left because YOU did not want to stay). I take the blame when you will be the one hurt otherwise. If someone will retaliate and be angry with you, I take blame for you.

I went to school for you. I would have been content working at menial jobs for a long time and likely never would have had the ambition to further my education. But having a baby changed that. Your life is too precious to me to raise you on “welfare” or in poverty. I needed an actual education in order to support you and give you the life I never had, to give you the life you deserve. I spent 6 years struggling every day, trying to find a balance of school and home. I studied, I fought, I cried, I begged, I pleaded, I tried, I passed and I failed. It was the most difficult 6 years of my life. I went back to school for you.

I moved across Canada (again) for you. I needed a job. The whole theory of going back to school in order to get a better job to support you was destroyed in NB. Despite my graduating a very good course, work in NB is scarce. The only way I could succeed was to move where the jobs were. So we moved. I didn’t really want to, deep down, but we did. I moved for you.

I stay for you. I want to go home. I want to be near my family, friends and the support they offer. Since we moved away there have been a lot of opportunities that have opened up in the Maritimes. I want to go home. I actually don’t like it here much. I have met some nice people, made a new friend or 2, but it just isn’t working for me. But I know deep down that you are happy here. You have friends. You have more opportunity here. So, I stay for you.

I went to court for you. Your repugnant deadbeat father decided he would refuse to sign a letter allowing me to take you into the states. Not because he thought we would stay there, but just because he is a dick and would do anything to hurt me and piss me off. He told you he would send a letter so we could go to the Seattle zoo, he told me to fuck off. He refused to send one allowing me to take you to Disneyland during the only time we were financially able to do so. So I spent hours talking to councillors, I spent weeks researching, I spent days filling out paper work and I spent hundreds of dollars so I could get “legal” full custody with the travel clause (Meaning I do not need his permission to leave the country with you). I went to court for you.

I taught you and I teach you. You knew your alphabet and numbers and how to write them and your name by the time you were 3, you didn’t learn that on your own. I helped you learn how to walk. I taught you not to touch the stove (without shoving your hand on the burner like parents did in the “old days”, yikes). I am teaching you to cook. I taught you cursive. I am teaching you multiplication. I am teaching you how to memorize. I taught you to be kind. I taught you to be thoughtful. I taught you to be respectful. I taught you these things by doing them myself. When we went out at Christmas time with our little candy packs, I taught you to be giving. When I give you a toonie to give to the busker, I am teaching you to be caring (and kind and giving and empathetic and an array of other characteristics). When I told you we do not give money to people unless they are doing something (people on the street “bumming” money vs the guy with the guitar playing a song or the homeless guy trying to sing), I am teaching you that you need to work for or earn what you want. When I tell you why I am putting on my blinker, I am teaching you to drive. When I scold you for interrupting me when I am talking, I am teaching you patience and to not be rude. When I say no, I am teaching you that life will not always give you what you want. When I lecture you for being rude, I am teaching you to be respectful. By not giving you everything you ask for, I am teaching you to be grateful.  When I punish you for misbehaving, I am teaching you that there are consequences. When I hug you when you are sad, hurt or crying, I am teaching you compassion. When I make your breakfast, hug you, drive you to your friends, read to you, laugh with you and do any little thing for you, I am teaching you love. I teach you.

I punish and discipline you. You think punishment is a bad thing, but it is not. I don’t beat you or abuse you. I try to punish you to fit the “crime”. You fall behind on school work because you are too busy snapchatting friends, you lose your phone. You room is a mess after being told to clean it every day for a week, no sleepovers this weekend. Punishing you teaches you. I scold you, I lecture you and I ground you. It teaches you that you cannot do “whatever you want” It teaches you there are consequences to your actions (or lack thereof), it teaches you to not slack off and to not be an asshole. I discipline you.

I nurture, comfort and care for you. I care for you and attend to all of your needs. I promote your growth through love, discipline and hard work. When you are sick, I go to the store and get you apple juice, ice cream and chicken noodle soup. I get you blankets and serve you. I take your temperature and help you to feel more comfortable. I bring you to the doctor and hospital if necessary. When you are sad, angry or upset, I am the one sitting by your side holding you as you cry. I am the one reminding you that I am here for you and everything will be ok. I am the one who nurtures, comforts and cares for you.

I am your maid and I cook for you. I pick up after you constantly. Sure, lately I have started making you do it, but that is because you have started doing nothing. You have become lazy and began taking advantage of my “spoiling you” (for lack of a better term). But I still pick up after you a lot. I make your breakfast, lunch and dinner every day. Yes there are occasional exceptions where I may say “screw it, I am not cooking” and make everyone reheat leftovers or chomp on “snacky” stuff. There are also occasions where we eat out at a restaurant. For the most part, I cook or make all of your meals. I bake often providing you with a healthier and tastier alternative to all the junk cookies we could buy in the store. I do 90% of the chores so that you have more time for you, your studying and your friends. I cook so you eat and I clean so you do not live in filth. I clean and I cook for you.

I attend for you. Every play you act(ed) in. Every music concert you play(ed) in. Every music lesson you attend(ed). Every parent teacher meeting. Every sporting event you participate in. Every Tuesday and Thursday for Tae Kwon Do practice for 2 years. Every birthday party you have. Every hospital visit. Every playdate you enjoy. Every drop off or pick up you need. I attend all of your functions, for you.

I miss work for you. If you are sick or have a play, I miss work. I will call in “sick” to stay home and help you. I will call in sick just to have a mommy/daughter day (but only once a year…I have to keep my job, when I have one, for you too!). I will stay home to attend events and functions. But if “I” am sick, I will usually go to work. If there is a function that I want to attend, I will still go to work. I stay home from work for you.

I fuck up. I am not perfect. I try my hardest and do everything I can to mould you into a caring, kind, intelligent, loving, thoughtful young woman. I do everything I can to help you learn about and understand life. I attempt over and over to teach you lessons to survive on this god-awful planet. But I mess up. Just the other night, divulging you fathers abuse towards me, that was a fuck up. Just like when I let my emotions get the better of me and I over react. Just like when I lose my temper over “not good enough” school work. I am human and I fuck up.

I am your mom for you! I kill spiders and bugs. I open jars. I forgive. I listen. I take you shopping. I get you a drink. I fix things that won’t work (or at least I try to). I tell you stories. I find your lost things. I let you stay up late on weekends. I make sure you get to school. We go to the zoo. I feed you. I clothe you. I give you privacy. I am here. I will never leave. I bought you a bed. I clean up your vomit when you are sick. I do your laundry. I buy groceries. I make your doctor appointments. I bring you to those doctor appointments. I tuck you in. I kiss you goodnight. I walk you to the door. I changed your diapers. I stayed awake all night to keep an eye on you. I’ve bathed you. I’ve washed you. I carried you. I hug you. I play board games with you. I picked your nose. I taught you to ride a bicycle. I wake up early. I took you fishing. I held your hand. I bring you camping. I rub your head til you fall back to sleep. I remind you to brush your teeth. I potty trained you. I let you sleep in my bed when you are scared or lonely. I support you. I give you rules. I give you boundaries. I keep your secrets. I listen to you when you have pretty drama filled issues with your friends. I give you advice. I take you on vacations. I joined snapchat. I let you have snapchat. I cancel my plans to accommodate you. I go without. I save your work. I brush your hair. I pay for your entertainment. I take you to movies. I push you to be the best you can be. I breathe. There are a billion more things I could list, but the most important thing I do for you, I love you. Unconditionally.

It is daunting at times, but there is nothing I wouldn’t do for you. So, the next time you look at me with hatred and want to know what the fuck I do for you…

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