Warning, It is a long one which is drama and bad language filled!
These are exchanges between Elly and Myself. Text from Elly has been copy and pasted with only names changed, so yes, I know some of the spelling is atrocious and difficult to read. But I am not correcting “her” spelling and grammar Errors. Go away Grammar police.
Keep in Mind that Elly is the girlfriend of My daughter’s father. She knows ONLY what he tells her. Most of my story has been kept to myself … until now.
Note: Kyia is 11 years old.
Note: Explanation of names in Page titled “Names”
First Message received from Elly: (Note a bit of explanations, that are not explained below in RED)
Hey Acrimonious Dragon, So I would like to say a couple things. I know you an Sean cant stand each other an that is fine. But im telling you ive never seen a man love a child like he does his. He misses that little girl something bad. I know hes not perfect lol an far from it we have all said an done our shit. But unlike most men who dont want nothing to donwith their child he does he misses her an loves hervas much as you . I just dont understand why I guess this keeps going on. The two of you dont have to or never have to get along ever. But it has to stop effecting the parenting part. I know hes an ass we all know that but he has made big changes an deserves a second chance. Kyia shouldnt be stuck in the middle of all this. I know you couldnt care less if he hurts because you two are bitter with each other. But im with him 24/7 and the past no one can change only the future. Just remember how u felt when you where working out there an she was here how much u missed her an wanted to just see her pretty little face or hear her voice. He goes thru that EVERY single day. I know ur laghing or just dont care but u should you have someone who WANTS to be a dad but cant. Thats sad an im sooo sick of watching the two of yous trying everything an anything to hurt each other selfish is what you guys are that little girl is gonna rebel one of these days because of the two of you. I know I was in Kyias shoes an it hurts to hearvmom say things about dad or mom. You will always be her mom an he will always be her dad an trying to turn her from one another is gonna back fire. It really is it may not be today or tomorrow but one day it will. An this ONE day crap u pulled down here (We, Kyia and I, went “home” for a 1 week vacation) that right there was a control thing my ex does itcall the time an u know something you shouldnt go back on your word on things an yes Kyia wanted to do supper but u knew damn well Sean wouldnt do that an instead of saying as an adult an mother no Kyia I think you an daddy should spend alone time you went with it an that was terrible. Anyways im frustrated with all this back an forth u need to be a mom an tell her not ask. Tell her to call her father spend time with him. Not ask her. Anyways she will thank u in the long run. Thanks mom for making me talk to my father all those years. This is the most fucked up situation I have seen an it needs to stop ur a lucky woman for a man to want his child in his life an want to give you a break by having her for 2 weeks but you cant give up the control. The two of you are so much alike its why u but heads. Its not about control anymore or who has the upper hand its about time with Kyia an that man loves her an misses her dearly. Ive never seen someone pretty much lose there mind every single day missing wanting to just hear there voice its sad what ur doing to him an yet again I know ur prob laughing but its not funny this man is gonna snap hes fuck up Acrimonious Dragon because all he wants is to hear her voice see her beauiful face I know eh shoot him for loving his daughter horrible indivdual. Deat beat dad eh… ridiculous. You won ur out there (We moved away to the other side of the country, to better our life about 2 years ago) shes away from her father you got all rights (I went to court to get legal full custody). As much as you want him erased from ur life an hers hes always gonna be her dad. They will one day have a relationship all on there own when she is old enough to understand that her dad called an texted every single day he loved her every single day she will learn all that on her own that he tried an tried. Im 32 an I am getting a relationship with my dad an im anger I missed all that time cause of my mom but its never to late I guess. Anyways hope you have a great day Acrimonious Dragon an put ur differences aside. Please.
Elly sent Kyia a Guilt filled message about Kyia ignoring her father about 2 days before ( I think she sent me her second message
Second Message Received from Elly: (Sean just received documents requesting a change in Child support from 285/mth to 485/mth) (For approx 7 years Sean was to pay 113/ mth for child support, He rarely made payments. After the approx 7 years the payment was upped to 285/mth….which he only paid for about 6 months when his wages were garnished, He then quit his job and worked under the table. He found a “legit” job again and his wages are being garnished again, He is approx $10,000 in arrears)
This is gettin ridiculous… You think Sean is making all this money??? He’s not I will swear on my kids he makes 427 a week that is it an after he pays for Kyia he has 300 an you want 200 more a month holy shit Acrimonious Dragon. “I” pay for this place my car all the bills cause he can’t afford to after he pays for food an his two bills that’s it money gone. Like we need to survive also an that man works fucking hard an he doesn’t mind paying for his daughter at all. But Jesus Christ Acrimonious Dragon he couldn’t even go get a second job cause u would go after that also an that would beat the purpose. Like you won’t let him see his daughter couldn’t even have her for a couple days when u where here an now you want to fuck him completely over with a bigger payment you are one of the selfish people I’ve come to know. You not only hurting him ur screwing with me also an I’m sick an fucking tried of this bullshit I fuckin sit here an watch that man cry watch him want to give up on everything because of you hold Kyia away. You are unreal. An I’m sick of playing nice an sitting back watching you tear my boyfriend apart the way you are. Yes he can be an ass but that’s between you an him leave Kyia the fuck out of it. He has every god damn right to see his daughter an you do everything in ur power to stop him from being a father. This is retarded an you have gotta everything you wanted but it’s still not enough for you. Must make ya feel good to take EVERYTHING from someone. You are not yet again only hurting him but me as well an you don’t want to piss me off Acrimonious Dragon I’ve been nothing but nice to you an ignored his stories about you to find the true you myself an wow you don’t stop man. Anyways I am done ranting an I hope you set back an look at the big picture an realize what you are doing an change ur ways. Let that man see his daughter when she’s around at least give him that for god sakes he wants her for a week I think he should get her. But that’s just me one mother to another could it wouldn’t feel to good shoe on the other foot an sometimes u gotta suck it up an think how would I feel in that situation??? Right. Have a good one Acrimonious Dragon.
And Finally, My Reply: (which I have not sent… should I? Should I send her a response, or should I just ignore her foolish misguided rants?) (Red text below is more explanation, NOT part of my reply)
Wow, First of all, you mention me “laughing”, but I am not laughing AT ALL, in fact I am utterly disgusted with how WRONG you are! … Except that Sean and I can’t stand each other, which you got right. But first let me tell you why (at least a couple of the reasons): I hate Sean because he treats his daughter like shit. He makes her cry, He hurts her, He neglects her and I have to pick up the pieces of her continuously broken heart. I despise him as only a mother can. Here is why I believe Sean Hates me: I call him out on his bullshit. He hates that I left him. He hates that I am no longer fooled by his lying manipulative ways. He hates that he cannot control me. So here is a bit of background for you … (whether you believe it or not, I do not care) But if you are going to throw your “2 cents” into the mix, you should probably know more than the lies he has been telling you …. I left Sean because he was abusive (I won’t get into those details, but I could write a novel). I was pregnant and had a baby to protect. I left (Mid Alberta) and moved home to the Maritimes. I called Sean almost daily during my pregnancy, why? Because he is her father. He was drunk everyday (as usual). For 5 months I called all the time. Listened to his slurring nonsense, his occasional threats, but made sure he knew the due date and how things were going and where I was and stuff like that … he never seemed to give a shit. But “I” kept trying. Because I too grew up with My mother keeping my father from me. I wasn’t about to do this to Sean (or Kyia!), no matter what a piece of shit he was/is. I wanted my child to have a father. He stayed in Mid Alberta the entire length of my pregnancy; he gave me no support or assistance, financially, or emotionally. I had to live off friends and family because it was a difficult pregnancy and I was barely able to walk let alone work. Did Sean care? Nope, too busy in Mid Alberta partying and sleeping with whatever he could. So I went into Labour 36 hours and had Kyia with Sean nowhere to be seen. He finally showed up to the hospital the day AFTER Kyia was born… HIGH AS A FUCKING KITE!!! He met his daughter on god knows what drugs he was on … but even the nurses were concerned with his state (one of the nurses actually asked me if they should call security!! I obviously told them no!). When I first brought Kyia home from the hospital he spent a lot of time with us… mostly passed out drunk and/or high. He picked a fight nearly every day. (As a side note: I had a few infections after birth and was in pain and moved very slowly for 3-4 months after having her). Quite often Kyia would pee in her diaper at feeding time and he would lose his fucking mind, “change her, she fucking stinks!” he would scream. No matter how much I argued that I would change her when she was done feeding because she is hungry and her diaper is not that full, he would scream and holler and threaten me (He honestly believed that even a tiny dribble of pee needed to be changed immediately, if he had his way, Kyia’s diaper would be changed every 30 damn seconds!!!). On a few occasions, my sister, Bree, who was staying with me would take Kyia and hide in her room, while I had to kick Sean out because he would not stop fighting and screaming… But I always let him back in a day or 2 later … So Kyia would have a dad. I often wish I didn’t, but I did. I moved to another apartment when Kyia was 2-3 months old. It was on at this apartment that I made the decision that Sean could see/take Kyia but ONLY supervised. He is an abusive drunk … no way in hell am I leaving my daughter alone with that!! I want her to know her father and have him in her life, but I want her SAFE! Sean lived with his dad, Eamon. Eamon was with his wife Orla at this time and I trusted both Eamon and Orla. So I agreed to allow Kyia to spend time at their Place. She went over a few times (When it was convenient for Sean). I tried to make a schedule with him at this time and his exact words were “Go fuck yourself cunt, I will take her when I can” So she would sporadically go; 1 weekend here, 1 day there, 2 weekends in a row then no word from him for months. When HE had time for her, it was/is all about HIM. Sometimes he would come spend time with her at my place… or so he would have people believe. He would come over hold her for a few minutes, I would feed her, change her, comfort her when crying and ALL of the parental stuff (I am not sure he EVER changed her). When she would go for her nap, Sean would either make some feeble attempt at sex(which never worked) or pick a fight. More often than not, his visits would end in me kicking him out (sometimes physically shoving him out the door) because of him acting like a jerk in one way or another. He would tell everyone I kicked him out for no reason. He would tell everyone that I wouldn’t let him see his daughter…. You know … the stuff he still says. I actually remember 1 phone conversation quite vividly (this is how fucked up he is)
Sean: Can I see Kyia this weekend?
Me: We don’t have any plans so yeah sure.
Sean (screaming): You fucking cunt you can’t keep my daughter from me!!!
Me (shocked as hell): What the Fuck are you talking about… I just said you can take her.
Sean: (Still screaming): You are always keeping her from me, I will take you to court, You (insert multiple name-calling curse words here)
Me: (screaming back at this point) Who the fuck is with you?
Sean: (and yet still screaming): No one you stupid cunt, I just want to see my daughter!!
Me: (Still Screaming back) You Moron!! You are obviously trying to convince someone that I am keeping her from you, good luck with that. (Hung up phone)
Another time “I” ASKED him to take her. He said yes, then when we were on our way he called back and said no, never mind, he was going out. I had made plans for dinner with friends so I asked his brother Conner to watch Kyia for a couple hours and he initially said yes, then he called back minutes later and apologized that he couldn,t watch Kyia because Sean said he wasn’t allowed!!!
For a second time (Kyia was around 6 or 7 this time) I tried to make a schedule for Sean where he would have her every other weekend AND 1 night every week! I put it all together with a letter and a calendar in a little package and gave it to him, thinking this will surely end this feud. He ripped it up and called me every name in the book and saying things like “I can’t do this I have to work” ….. Ummm …. SO DO I!!! My response was “find a sitter like the rest of us parents do!!” I was a single mom going to school full time and working!! But his job was of course more important … Shit it’s not like he paid child support to help pay for the child care I had/needed!!!!
Do you see where this is going yet Elly?
On MULTIPLE occasions Kyia herself asked Sean if she could go to his house and he ALWAYS had an excuse … I am working. I am busy. I am going out of town. There was always something.
He has made plans with her and then just not shown up, no phone calls, nothing. And for years I lied for him. Daddy probably had to work honey. There was probably an emergency. (knowing full well that he was out getting drunk or high or both) I stopped lying when Kyia was around 6 or 7 and simply would say: “I am not sure, you will have to ask daddy” This is a perfect response, I am not “bashing him” by telling her the truth and hurting her more, and I am no longer a big Liar.
When People are “around he “pretends to care about Kyia and act like it is all me. But Let me tell you Elly, when no one is around to hear him, he Says things a lot differently. He is very sneaky and conniving. The MAIN reason that I do not talk to him is because he will do 1 of 3 things.
- Make up an imaginary conversation for whoever is beside him to think the worst of me
- Be all fake and nice to put on a show for whoever is near him
- The REAL conversation. Where no-one is around and there are no witnesses to hear him call me every name in the book. Yell obscenities at me and threaten me.
So No, I do not speak to him. I do not allow him to play these games with me. IF there is something he needs to know I will text him, you or call his Dad. That is it.
Neither of you has a fucking clue how much I have lied for him and defended him to her; as to hope she will grow up NOT hating him. You think I tell her all this shit, well, I do NOT! When he “beat up” his ex and went to jail, (Note that his story is that she attacked him and he pushed her away and she broke her ankle) I did NOT tell Kyia! I fucking lied for him (because Sean was supposed to take Kyia somewhere that weekend)! When he doesn’t show up for plans, I lie for him!! When He Lies to her, I make excuses for him. When he screams at her, I make more excuses!! I am out of lies and just about out of excuses!
When I was working out west (I worked in the oil sands, 2 weeks away and 1 week home) I made it clear to all who watched Kyia (My mother, My grandmother and my sister), that IF Sean called and wanted Kyia for a day or weekend (with the exception of my week home of course), he had priority … yeah, even then, “I” kept trying. But how often did that actually happen … And YES, Sean was informed of this “rule” as well!!
While out here in Alberta, Kyia said to me “why doesn’t daddy love me” I sat down with her and in a long drawn out way said “Your dad loves you, he just has no idea how to show and display it”
Yes I have slipped up and called him an asshole in front of her … But it is typically on an occasion where she is crying after talking to him… because HE MADE HER CRY!!
So with that all said (and trust me hun, this is a minimal amount of information … I have HUNDREDS (thousands?) more incidents I could tell you about) I will NOW reply to SOME of the things you mentioned in your lovely uninformed note and text message… (I will only respond to SOME for 2 reasons … 1. I replied to some in the explanation above. 2. Some of your comments and/or accusations are so ridiculous that they are not worthy of a response… sorry)
YOU: But unlike most men who dont want nothing to donwith their child he does he misses her an loves hervas much as you. I just dont understand why I guess this keeps going on. The two of you dont have to or never have to get along ever. But it has to stop effecting the parenting part
ME: I do not doubt he loves her. I doubt he knows what to do about it. I think he needs help. I think he is mentally ill and seriously needs help. He is violent and angry. He is delusional and believes his own lies … It is scary really. “This” whatever it is, is NOT affecting “the parenting part”. I am Kyia’s parent. I have always been her ONLY Parent. I am raising a beautiful, smart, kind and considerate young woman with no assistance from her biological father. Parenting is not being affected. Kyia’s emotional damage from her father is the only thing being affected and I am dealing with that on a daily basis.
YOU: I know hes an ass we all know that but he has made big changes an deserves a second chance
ME: A SECOND CHANCE!!!! Sean has had more chances than ANYONE ever deserves!!!
YOU: . I know ur laghing or just dont care but u should you have someone who WANTS to be a dad but cant.
ME: If Sean wanted to be a dad, he had MANY opportunities to do so … He fucked every one of them up.
YOU: An this ONE day crap u pulled down here that right there was a control thing my ex does itcall the time an u know something you shouldnt go back on your word on things an yes Kyia wanted to do supper but u knew damn well Sean wouldnt do that
ME: WOAH. I got news for you. Kyia did not at all enjoy her time with her dad. THAT is why she wanted me there. She felt awkward and uncomfortable. And For your information, I TRIED to convince her to spend a couple hours with him, SHE CRIED!!!!! I offered Sean a full day Monday (and secretly told Kyia that IF she wanted she could stay overnight and spend Tuesday and I would pick her up at 4 on Tuesday providing SHE wanted to) SEAN chose not to book a day off, not my problem. He was told at least 4 weeks ahead of time that we would be in town from the 13th to the 20th He could have booked that whole week off or even called in sick Monday… (MY DAD took the whole week off just to make sure he would be available when we were free… just saying) … about dinner … She only said she wanted to see him again before we left because he put her on the spot … AND I WAS willing to put up with him, for Kyia, over dinner… a man who continuously hurts my daughter, who breaks her heart, who makes her cry … I was willing to suck it up for HER, I even told Kyia that if daddy showed up I might sit at another table so he could have a bit of privacy with her . We sat there for over 2 hours, because she HOPED he would show up. So where exactly do Sean’s priorities lay? They are not with his daughter!!!
YOU: I think you an daddy should spend alone time you went with it an that was terrible. Anyways im frustrated with all this back an forth u need to be a mom an tell her not ask. Tell her to call her father spend time with him.
ME: No, I do not and will not force her to call, talk to or see her dad anymore… because despite me keeping all this BAD information from her, he continues to show her what a piece of shit he is ALL ON HIS OWN!
IF and when SHE chooses to speak to him it is at her discretion. She has her own phone and will answer it when SHE wants …. Kind of like he would only see her when He wanted … Karma is a bitch ain’t she…
YOU: This is the most fucked up situation I have seen an it needs to stop ur a lucky woman for a man to want his child in his life an want to give you a break by having her for 2 weeks but you cant give up the control.
ME: SERIOUSLY!!!! 1. LUCKY! After reading the above, do you still think I am lucky … or would you like to hear MORE!! 2. I gave him the stipulations on her going there for 2 weeks and he basically told me to go fuck myself. She could have gone. HE fucked that up NOT me!!! All he had to do was sign the papers stating I have full custody to avoid court, I HAVE full custody anyway, I always had full custody, because Kyia Always lived with me. I just needed the legal documents so I can take her to Disneyland. We have tried to get him to send a “permission note” so we could cross the border before … He DIDN’T!! So I needed the legal documents so we don’t need his permission to go to Disneyland or shopping across the border or anywhere! He also had to Pay for HER part of the trip and agree to bring her to see my grandmother for a couple hours each week. That was it, Sign papers, pay her flights, and visit Kyia’s great-nanny twice… he refused it all and got nothing. His problem. NOT mine.
He will ONLY see her at his discretion Elly. It has ALWAYS been like that. It is about him, not Kyia. And he can not accept that I will NOT allow that. It SHOULD be about Kyia and her Needs and wants … NOT HIS!
Now on to your text message…
YOU: “I” pay for this place my car all the bills cause he can’t afford to after he pays for food an his two bills that’s it money gone
ME: I am not surprised you pay for everything, He is a mooch. I worked 2 jobs to support his ass at one time. When he did work, he spent all his money on booze and/or drugs. I still paid ALL the bills!!! But alas, I too made excuses for him, just as you are. In the last 14 years I have known him, he has either lived with a woman and/or his father … think about that.
YOU: he doesn’t mind paying for his daughter at all
ME: Oh? Then why does child support ONLY get paid when the courts track him down and garnish his wages? Why is it ANY TIME I have EVER asked him to buy something for her, he refuses!! (with the exception of 2 winter jackets… which I honestly believe Eamon paid for, NOT Sean!) I have had to ask his father to help with things for her on a couple of occasions, because I needed Diapers or food. That sure sounds like someone who wants to support his daughter….
YOU: now you want to fuck him completely over with a bigger payment.
ME: I only want what is fair for Kyia. I pay everything for her and always have. He pays next to nothing, and ONLY when it is forcefully taken from him via garnished wages. Even with what I “asked” for, this is only a small percentage of Kyia’s expenses. The courts will be fair and adjust it to where it needs to be.
YOU: You not only hurting him ur screwing with me also
ME: I am sorry you feel you are caught in the middle. But this is the place you are choosing to be. There is nothing I can do about that. I truly am sorry you are hurting over this. My intentions are what is best for Kyia, not to “screw” anyone over.
YOU: you don’t want to piss me off Shawna.
ME: I surely hope this is not a threat Elly. I truly do. As I know you are upset, due to believing Sean’s Lies, I am willing to let that slide and pretend it was not said for the time being.
YOU: Let that man see his daughter when she’s around at least give him that for god sakes he wants her for a week I think he should get her
ME: He has had so many chances to see her. He screws them up, not me. The choice is up to Kyia now
So to sum up Elly; I appreciate that you care about Kyia, but, I think you better KNOW ALL sides before you throw your 2 cents in. Also as a side note, If you EVER attempt to guilt my daughter again, you will be blocked from her. I know you think you were only trying to help by sending her that text message, but you upset her a lot. There was nothing really “bad” to speak of, other than you made her feel bad. Her father neglects her and she has to deal with that and then you make her feel bad about being upset with his neglect. Not good. Not good at all. She has every right to feel the way she does about her father, because HE made her feel that way. Not Me or anyone else. HE did it all on his own.